My parents are elderly and live in a house by themselves. My mom 83 and dad soon to be 90. Mom has dementia and is a mean dementia and my father has fallen into a deep depression and has some memory issues and has withdrawn from everything. My mom doesn't take him out of the house but goes to store daily and leaves him home. He doesn't shower or get dressed. My mom says she can take care of him but she forgets to. She refuses help. My dad is down to 124 lbs. he is just a shell of a body, when I visit he just sits there in a daze. It's like he's waiting to die. It's so sad. I ask my mom to take him out and she rolls her eyes and she is very belittling to him. She argues with me all the time. I tried to get a housekeeper she fired them, my dad had a stroke and when he was getting in home rehab she drove them away too. She constantly thinks she is dying and isn't concerned with my dad. It is so sad, I know its the disease but how can I get someone to come bathe my dad and make sure he is getting fed? She won't let us kids do anything. I thought about calling APP, but then I have read horror stories. Any suggestions?

When did your father have his stroke?

When was your mother diagnosed with dementia?

If you've been able to talk about his situation to your father, what does he say he would like? - for example, if he tells you he would like to engage in-home services to help him bathe/shower, you can act on his instructions (and so can an agency sending in aides).
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Reply to Countrymouse

I agree, Call APS to help them. Or try to get POA or guardianship so you can help them. These situations are indeed tough. Hope you are successful, all the best.
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Reply to Lvnsm1826

CATSKO, you need to decide what you think "help" looks like. Also, your ability to help them depends on your legal authority: did they assign you as their PoA? If not, and you can't get your Dad to do it now, then your only real courses of action for resistant elders is either for you to pursue guardianship or for the county to get it. You can call APS and get them on the county's radar and they will do an in-home assessment and they may qualify for some services. Typically the county will work towards guardianship if no one else steps up for it and will eventually place them in a facility and control all of their assets and possessions and you will have no say or input as to where that is or what kind of place. You getting guardianship is a legal process that will require time and money through the courts but you will have say in working for their best interests. My stepFIL was a ward of the county because he was an uncooperative jerk. He got cared for, was fed, was safe, had a clean bed and received medical care. Not a nightmare. FYI every state's services and protocols can be different, so please call the Dept of Health and Human Services and speak to a social worker. I wish you peace as you make decisions to help your parents.
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Reply to Geaton777

She is no longer making sound decisions, who has the DPOA for them? Are all their documents in order?

I would not rely on "Horror Stories" to make a decision. There are some people that spread both untruths and singular episodes as the truth.

The idea is to explore all your options and then make an informed decision.

Me, if I was as concerned as you, and unable to get your mother to comply, I would consider calling APS. There are times that one needs to do what they need to do. The first priority, to me, is to make certain that they are safe.

I went through something similar with my mother, she finally had a stroke and my brother and I sprang, she is now in AL, where she has needed to be for years.
The only difference is that she lived alone, she did not have anyone to care for except herself.

Do what is best for your father, it appears to be time for someone to step in.

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to anonymous912123

Your mom is in no position to care for your dad. A person with dementia can’t be expected to provide care for another. You need to go pick up your dad and take him to see his doctor as soon as possible. Tell the doctor the living situation. This isn’t safe for either of them. Do you or someone else have POA? If so, it’s time to use it, they can no longer make sound decisions for themselves.
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Reply to Daughterof1930

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