How do I get my Mom to be satisfied in her new home?

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I had to move my Mom from her home in Mississippi to Georgia last year due to declining mental and physical health issues. She lost my step dad in 2010. She also broke her hip and had a bad stroke in late 2010. She lived with me for almost a year at that time but eventually moved back to her home because she just made life miserable for everyone. We then lost my brother, her youngest son in 2013. After that she declined significantly and it was recommended that I move her back to Georgia by several people including her doctor. I was able to get her into a handicap accessible apartment and hired a 24/7 caretaker. It has been a year and she has done nothing but complain, accuse the caretaker of stealing everything from her van to her clothing. She's even accused me of taking advantage of her and has called Adult Protective Services and reported me. Of course they called her doctor and he told them that first thing they should know is she has dementia. She is being treated very well and is waited on hand and foot. She is being treated for depression and dementia but it doesn't seem to be helping at all.


Now she has told me that she is taking her life back and is moving back home to Mississippi which there is no "home" to move back to. She says there is someone that said she could move in with that said she was more than welcome to come. The person she is talking about said he just didn't want to hurt her feelings but there is no way that she could move there and he is taking care of his own wife that suffered a massive stroke and is in a nursing home.


I have so much going on with her, I really don't know what to ask other than, What do I do??? How can I get her to get the idea of moving out of her mind? There is no place for her to go or anyone to take care of her.

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What worked for my mom- and it was night and day results: Risperidone and Citalopram. ALL, and I mean ALL her anxiety disappeared. Shes clear headed and sweet as pie. A huge difference from anxiety, suspicion, fear, hallucinations and allusions. Of course, it could be her chemistry agreeing so results may differ-- but i could have saced myself years of grief had her first doctors recognized that her anger and hateful ways is PRE dimentia symptoms and it only gets worse as the disease progresses. Best of luck.
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Nkirkendall, We have all been through the verbal abuse. My mother's tongue would let go when she had a UTI. After she recovered, she would apologize. I would explain that her brain was very tired, and she could not be blamed for things that she said.

As for the moving talk, it continued until the day she died. She did not like being in the Assistled Living and dreamed of getting her own place. I would laugh and ask her who would be able to help her cook, clean, do laundry, etc. She would realize it was a pipe dream and drop the subject until my next visit.

Make sure your mom does not have a UTI. It causes them to go into rants. Sun downing also makes them do and say horrible things. Good luck.
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nkirkendall - my mother has said the most hateful things to me over the past few years. Even though I intellectually know "it's the disease talking" some of the things said hurt tremendously and will most likely be seared in my brain until the day I die. Still - since my moms med change she has become 1000x easier to be around - no more hateful comments or accusations. I still take a rx "mood enhancer" prior to every visit as I experience horrible anxiety before each time I visit mom - guess I'm a little "shell shocked". That said, I am also trying very hard to let go of the hurt and move forward, hoping to create a few happy memories to look back on once mom has passed.
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nkirkendall, there is a book by Jolene Brackey that you might find helpful, too. It's called "Creating Moments of Joy for the Person with Alzheimer's or Dementia". I find most of it works with my Mom, but of course there are also some things I tried that didn't work. But there are lots of very concrete suggestions, like making sure she has her purse and it has the things she's used to having in it, or recommending the number and mix of clothing choices that are enough to be familiar, but not to be overwhelming, etc. -- lots of things I would not have thought of on my own. This IS the hardest thing most of us will ever face. And sometimes we have to find comfort in the joyful moments we can create and quickly let go of the angry and guilty moments and move on. We didn't vote for a character-building experience, but boy, do we have a giant one! Having survived this, we can only look forward to the remarkable people we will then be for the rest of our lives. Hang in there and don't forget to do nice things and create moments of joy for yourself as well.
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Thank you all for the answers, especially lindabf. This is the hardest thing in my entire life... I am going to have to get help for myself. She went on a rampage last night because she found out I talked to her friend that she claims said she could come live with. I just wanted to make sure he was aware that she was not capable of living on her own and that she needed 24 hour care. She was furious with me and even accused me of causing my brother's death and she wished I would have died instead of him because he was the only one that cared about her, etc... It was awful... I just don't know how I will survive this...But, thanks for all the kind words...
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Is there a reason why using a paid caregiver in a private residence is better than AL with memory care? I ask because we need my dad to live somewhere else and money is maybe doabke, but none to spare. Want him to have a better life than in a crowded home where patience is in short supply.
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It is EXTREMELY difficult, though not impossible, for an ailing elder to adapt to drastic changes such as a move.
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Love the answer that you are "getting the house ready", & all the stalling tactics.
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Their brains are busted. They believe weird things because their brains are busted, and they are kind of 'winding down', fixating on things from the past. No rhyme or reason, it's like a videotape winding backwards, getting stuck at a certain point and repeating repeating repeating. You mustn't take it PERSONALLY. It has nothing to do with YOU, it's a dying brain. My mom was convinced her parents were sleeping in her guest room and she set the table for them every night. I took the knobs off the stove and told her everyone was busy but would be by tomorrow, and that went pretty well! 'Oh, OK, we'll cook tomorrow, then' yeah, right. Medication is needed. Please, tell her doctor, and see if he can get her on some medication. My mom had a mild anti-depressant for years, and she was very good-natured. -
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Oh, for living in small towns. Many years ago, my 86 year old grandfather suffered from dementia. He lived in Ft. Sumner NM and thought they had rented a house from the Indians and after they moved out someone trashed the kitchen. He believed the Indians thought he did it and were standing in the street and were going to come in the house and hurt him. The De Baca County Sheriff, wrote my Grandfather a letter saying he talked to the Indians and they understand my Grandfather didn't do the damage. Every time he would start to get agitated my grandmother would show him the letter and it calmed him down. I can't imagine my county sheriff doing that here where I live. Perhaps you could try something like akdaughter and khood490 suggested.
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