How to get rid of our caregiver?

How long has he been employed to care for her?
How long have you been living with her?
Who hired him?
What does he do during his working week?
What is his other job?
What are your mother's care needs, would you say?
Does your mother have capacity?

I realise that's a lot of questions and no answers. But from what you say, your mother enjoys this person's company, perhaps gets some reassurance from there being someone around to call on in an emergency, and altogether thinks he's worth the $20K + a year that she's spending on him. Sounds like plenty to me, for not much in return, but this is up to her if she is still in charge of her own life and her own house.

What kind of plan have you as a family made for her care as she becomes older and more frail? If there isn't one, perhaps you'd better approach her about it; but don't start from the premise that this man, whom she likes, has to go or you'll get nowhere. You may resent him but clearly she doesn't.

You can call adult protective services in your area and have them do a investigation. A guardian can be appointed to oversee her affairs if she is not capable to do so. If he is not living up to his obligations the will get rid of him,

It sounds like Adult Protective Services may be needed. If they don't consider this exploitation - and they may not be able to say that it is - then you can't do much unless you or someone else obtains guardianship.

Elderly people have the right to make mistakes. Upsetting as this is, unless it can be proven that something illegal is going on, or that you mom isn't capable of making her own decisions, there may not be anything that you can do. I certainly see why this is upsetting to you, but if she's happy with the arrangement and nothing illegal or abusive is going on then you may be stuck.

Please keep us posted as you learn more.
Carol

If she doesn't want to get rid of him you will not be able to do anything unless you can declare her incompetent.

Was this fellow hired as a caregiver or a companion? A companion is just that, someone who is there to keep the elderly person from being alone and lonely. They do not have to dress the person or do nursing-type duties. Who hired this guy, where did they find him, and what exactly are his duties? If you are there with your mother I would imagine you would be her companion so I'm not certain what he was hired for. Is he a relative? I suspect there's a lot more to this story that you haven't told us and we can't give informed advice without knowing exactly what's going on.

tinacanepa12345, your Mom is paying this caregiver $400.00 per week, which is $20,800 a year.... and if he worked a 40 hour week, that comes to $10.00 an hour.

How much do you think he should he be paying from the paycheck for room and board? Plus paying his estimated quarterly income taxes? You mentioned your Mom's home is worth $3M, thus from a real estate point of view and depending on location [like near a large metro area], room and board would be around $1500 to $2k per month. Thus, no Caregiver could afford to live in such a home being paid only $10/hour, paying estimated taxes, and also paying room/board. This young man isn't building up much of a nest egg... living like a King, far from it. No wonder he needs to work another job.

As for sleeping elsewhere at nights, after 5pm and on weekends is his time to do whatever he likes.

I had kinda the same issue. Only I was on title of the house. I tried moving mom in with me, she hated that and yelled at me and family...She really is a sweetheart..THE AGE OLD MANTRA: I WANT TO GO HOME: After awhile that is not realistic. I moved her in a board & care and sold the house to take care of Mom. Now, my MIL is giving us the same mantra. We listened. Put her back in her non functional home for her.. kitchen on one floor and bathrooms and bedrooms on another....She got a stroke, finally we had to move her toa baord & care, and gave caretaker 2 week notice..

WE this maybe being a 3 million dollar house really isn't what she needs. It's what she wants, but how is the layout of the home?

Let me shorten this: What does the house look like? Can she comfortably live on one floor? Full bath with tub and shower; bedroom, living space, and kitchen? If not: This may not be the place for her. Look at senior liviing places for her with actvitiies. She may benefit more with this type of living, socializing with people.

Talk with mom about a smaller more functional home for her, maybe a 6-pack: 2 caretakers and 6 residents in a home.....

Look at different options. Ifthis man is givng you issues, give him a 2 week notice. You may want to shop around for another czretaker first, don't let him know. Is he bonded? Do you have insurance to cover this man if he 'injures" himself? I have a friend in Moms 6-pack said she lost everything to her caretaker; due to back injuries. She says she lost everything that's why she is where she is.

Get his key and show him to the door!!

tina says mom lets him work another job when he is supposed to be there 9=5,, so I took that to mean he is NOT there 9=5? So when is he working with Mom?

Next time you hire a caregiver, go through a PEO (it is like the caregiver is working for that company and you are the supervisor with no liability. The PEO is responsible for unemployment insurance, workers comp, taxes etc. You pay them a small amount for this service. In the meantime, see about having your mother declared incompetent. In GA it would be her doctor's opinion that would have the weight in this situation. The only thing I see wrong with the man who is your mother's caregiver is that he is double dipping. My mother's caregiver has an apartment in our house and we furnish all the food, cleaning products, paper goods etc. I feel very lucky to have her here. She is officially paid for 25 hours per week. Some times she works more, sometimes less She has a second job in which she works a 24 hour shift on one of her days off from us. We are flexible with each other as my job requires more time from her some weeks than others. It sounds like you might need to have an adult conversation with your mother's caregiver and find out what she requires of him.

Are you your mom's POA? If so, fire this caregiver, change the locks, have his belongings delivered to his 9-5 job, and be done with him. I'm assuming there's no agency or work contract. I don't think the 30-day month to month lease applies here at all. Get rid of him. Next caregiver, be vigilant, have a stated list of their responsibilities, and no outside employment, no sleep over girlfriend (if that matters to your mom's safety). If mom needs 24/7 care you may need 3 caregivers plus a weekend crew. Probably easier to hire a caregiver manager who can supervise all this ( if you cannot).

Depending on the state, you could end up in court for unlawful eviction. Before proceeding in this direction, please consult an attorney. I tried to evicted a woman who was managing a horse farm that I bought it cost me a young fortune because the former owner had not served her properly. Ten years later this same deadbeat stayed on when a friend of mine bought a horse farm. I went to court with her but she still ended up having to let the deadbeat stay an additional 30 days. Tenant protections really over-reach and you can't get rid of a caregiver by changing the locks if that person is living on the premises. For $400 per week, this does not buy 24/7 care. It is also unlawful to limit employees from working second jobs. I've been down that road as well. If it is an hourly employee, what they do on their own time is their own business according to the law. If you want 24/7 I would expect that at $10 per hour it would cost upwards of about $1680 per week, then you get into the state's laws about overtime etc. If your mom doesn't need somebody to watch her sleep, I would suggest just insisting that the caregiver actually be there when he is being paid to be there and rent out the room with the idea that part of the rent is reduced so that somebody will be in the house nights in case of an emergency and spell that out in a written agreement.

Sounds basically that the problem is not about the caregiver at all (as you freely acknowledge your mother "loves" him. It's important to remember that caregiving sometimes is more about caring than doing. It appears your mother feels cared about by this caregiver. Do you have any idea how hard that is to find? That alone is worth its weight in gold.). The problem here appears to be more about you and your sister's poor relationship with your mother. Sounds like there is alot of jealousy over this caregiver who is appearing to receive the love from your mother that you feel should be going to you and your sister......but is not. Maybe there is a lack of love on both sides between your mother and you and your sister. It would be far wiser to do a work of healing in
your relationship with your mother, a work of forgiveness and apologies than to get rid of the caregiver. You didn't get to this point overnight with your mom, so it won't change overnight, but you can begin. It will take hard work, but be oh so worth it. Your mother won't be here forever. I challenge you to do whatever it takes to turn things around. You won't regret it and when she passes there won't be the regrets, the guilt, the anger.....but instead .....a peace, a joy.....that you tried.....and did the best you could to be at peace with your mother. This has the potential of affecting all your other relationships in a most positive manner and is sooo worth the effort. Get others to pray you through. God WILL help you all. Be encouraged. Many are in the same spot, but you have a window opportunity to turn things around that not all get. cadams

Hmmm ... this guy is a leech -- maybe. But your mother likes having him around enough to pay him $10/ hour whether he works the hours or not, and also allows him to maintain a room in her house, even though he often doesn't stay overnight. And apparently she provides meals (?)

If this gives your mother pleasure, and she can afford it, what is the problem?

Hmmm. What does "turning against my sister and I" mean? Is he actively trying to turn her against you, or is she mad about your efforts to "get rid of" something she likes?

You are right to be cautious of someone who lives in your mother's house. You have her best interests at heart, which is more than we know about him. But, and this is a huge but, if she is considered legally competent she can make her own decisions, even foolish ones. Keep an eye on the situation, but try not to alienate your mother as you do so. Your relationship with her is probably more valuable than the room and board he is getting.

Some posters are suggesting you fire the guy and change the locks. I think they are assuming that you have more authority over the situation than you really do. POA gives you the authority to handle your mother's affairs at her direction. If she doesn't direct you to fire him, I'm afraid doing so will stir up even more ill-will. She could, you know, appoint him to be POA. Yikes!

I can see how uncomfortable this situation is for you, and I don't blame you. But I caution you to keep an eye on the situation but not to overstep your authority. If Mom is truly incompetent, consider guardianship. Otherwise, keep in mind that with luck you will be 93 some day -- how much interference will you want in your personal decisions?

why would your mother want a man to take care of her personal needs?
It sounds like she is caretaking him, as they have some sort of bond. Why don't you get a great girl to come in when he is not there and show her what care is?

I think we all need more information, like what are the tasks that this Caregiver needs to do? Could be he completes these tasks quickly thus it gives him free time, so to earn more money he goes to a 2nd job which he isn't hiding as the poster's mother is in agreement. Apparently the 2nd job isn't full time because the poster had written "works 9 to 5 when he is here". Curious, what is the 2nd job? Maybe the mother has an elder friend that needs some help.

I am not siding with the Caregiver... just giving food for thought.

Sounds like he is taking advantage of her. You may be right to want him gone. Does mom have a POA? Adult protective services may be a good place to start. What does mom say about the caregiver? She could hire someone who can come in daily and be able to offer care but also keep mom busy with activities she enjoys. There are many great caregivers out there. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services for more info on caregiving. You don't say if mom is cognitively capable of making her own decision. Her doctor may need to reassess her if there are questions about her competency. If there is no POA in place, you may need to petition the court for guardianship. APS can give you more info on this process. If this were my mom, the caregiver would be out of there so fast his head would spin.

If you live with your mother, why is a caregiver living there too?

Do you think getting paid $400/ week is really "living like a king"?

Unless he is supposed to be there 24/7, the hours that he is not working are his own & he can do whatever he wants to do on those hours.

It sounds like this guy is not a "caregiver", but a companion. Those are 2 totally different things. If your mom can bathe herself, dress herself, etc., then he is probably there to keep her company.

Why don't you keep her company so that she wouldn't need to pay someone $400 for that?

If your mom likes him, leave the situation alone. How much longer can it go on anyway? Stay away from state agencies or you may not like the outcome.

Lots of.good discussion here, need to to know most importantly What , if any, employment Contract exists? Without knowing that we are all left "wondering." Which gets us all very creative in our answers but to be objective you probably need to look at Terms of Employment as listed on Employee Contract (if any!).

This is a powderkeg. It sounds like this caregiver/companion is not hired through an agency, so he isn't bonded, in case he steals property. Also, if the mom isn't buying workers' compensation insurance, she could be on the hook for a very expensive injury (or he could have a preexisting one, and claim it happened in her employ). If she isn't paying unemployment and Social Security taxes on him, she could have an IRS problem. If there is no contract, his responsibilities are undefined. If she likes him so much, he might insinuate himself into her will. If you can't make Mom understand these dangers, get rid of him yourself, as Samara said. Hire a caregiver from an agency, so the caregiver is bonded, and insist in the contract that the caregiver can accept no gifts whatsoever, including a bequest in a will. Mom might be upset, but she will be safer.

Change the locks, pack his bags, put them out on the sidewalk, shut the door.

Then tell mom he quit.

And I wouldn't give him a two week notice.

I'm assuming that with your mom's money, she has an attorney?

I agree with WmHenry - it is a powder keg given today's state of mind.

Do you have power of attorney? It may be time to get her into assisted living whether she likes it or not. We need to stop worrying about our parent's feelings especially if they're so demented they don't understand what's going on. I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the whole thing.

Also, how is her will written up? She may have left him a lot of money in that, too, if she's treating him like this. And when she passes, if he's still there, he may be able to contest the will, suggesting that she treated him so well, that he deserves more. He's definitely taking advantage of her. But for some reason, she 'needs' him.

How old is this guy? Is there any chance that at some point she may have had some sort of personal relationship with him?

You need to become your Mom's best friend quickly. Since you already live with her start spending more time with her, do some outside activities with her, in other words have some fun with her by doing some things she enjoys doing. Then, in time, she will listen to you more and realize YOU have her best interests at heart. If she is lonely, living in a senior living, group living, etc. may suit her more. She would have her own apartment and could choose to be alone in her own place or join in activities / meals with others. Most elderly people are very lonely when living alone or with someone who has to work, and usually do much better when then can interact with others more often and have a semblance of a normal live. It is truly amazing how being around other people more often improves how the elderly view everyday life experiences. But please trust me when I say: the time you take spending time with and caring for Mom will be treasured in time.
TIME = TRUST = LOVE

PS : if you are living with your Mom, why is caregiver (male or female) needed if she can dress, feed and shower herself?

You need to become your Mom's best friend quickly. Since you already live with her start spending more time with her, do some outside activities with her, in other words have some fun with her by doing some things she enjoys doing. Then, in time, she will listen to you more and realize YOU have her best interests at heart. If she is lonely, living in a senior living, group living, etc. may suit her more. She would have her own apartment and could choose to be alone in her own place or join in activities / meals with others. Most elderly people are very lonely when living alone or with someone who has to work, and usually do much better when then can interact with others more often and have a semblance of a normal live. It is truly amazing how being around other people more often improves how the elderly view everyday life experiences. But please trust me when I say: the time you take spending time with and caring for Mom will be treasured in time.
TIME = TRUST = LOVE

PS : if you are living with your Mom, why is caregiver (male or female) needed if she can dress, feed and shower herself?

You quickly need to become your Mom's best friend and do some things with her that she likes to do. By sharing time and experiences with her, she will come to see you have her best interests at heart. If she is lonely, maybe moving to a senior living apartment, etc would benefit her. She would be able to see other people more often and join in activities if she wanted to or be in her own apartment. She would also have a choice of eating in or in a dining room with others. It is amazing how beneficial being around other people is for the elderly. It is also a safer environment than living alone. It is not perfect but many elderly flourish again when they are again around other people on a daily basis.

TIME = TRUST = LOVE

ANY / All time spent with your Mom will one day be treasured. I know some Mom's can be difficult to deal with but do it anyway so your memories are positive ones instead of regrets and what ifs.
You still have time to make some good memories !! Do it, you won't regret it

PS: If you are living with your Mom, why does she need a caregiver (male or
female) if she can dress, feed and shower herself?

Samara, I believe even if she does have her mother's POA, she can't just decide to have her mother declared mentally incompetent; she has to be able to prove it and doctors will be evaluating her too. If it was that easy, it would be a huge miscarriage of justice. Sometimes I cringe when I read comments in this web site. I'm 76; not getting any younger. Am intelligent, lucid and for now, live independently. I will NEVER depend on my children to take care of me when I can't do it myself anymore. I too often read from caregivers contributing her how they've grown to hate the parent they're taking care of. Every day I try to plan what I will do to end my life before having to live with one of my children happens. Couldn't live with my son and my daughter is raising young children as a single parent as well as having the most extraordinarily demanding job I've ever heard of and I'd never add her to her burdens. I will not live in a nursing home; what's the point? Death is not the enemy unless it happens suddenly and senselessly to an otherwise healthy person. As one's health goes "down the tubes" and every day its a struggle to do mundane things, you're in pain, can't get your breath or can't walk without help, that's when I don't want to be here any more and don't want to be anyone's responsibility.

No, please don't think you can have your perfectly lucid mother be declared insane so you can take over her affairs. Keep your eye on her checkbook and assets to make sure he's not convincing her to give him extra money, but otherwise, let her make her own decisions. Just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean they're wrong. Try to find a caregiver who only works for $400 a week - you get what you pay for!

Hello, it is always interesting to realize that this issue, is really upsetting to you and I am assuming your sister.

What exactly is he stating that makes you feel like he does nothing?

I have heard this line time and time again, where the mother or father is competent, and the reality is we (as adult children and caregivers), feel we know what is best for them.

I am just saying think about all of what has gone on. I will state that for 24 7 caregiver, first off, to the most magnificent person, that is very little money, and I would doubt that a person could support themselves on that.

Second, it is very unrealistic, unless he does have very little responsibilities to expect someone there 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

What kind of care does your mom need? I would say right now, if there is nothing illegal and it is just a matter of "our mother isn't in her right mind and is doing all this "crazy" or what appears to be crazy things.

Stop, slow down, realize that (and I believe you do) your mother maybe wants this kind of situation, and who is anyone to dictate to her the rea;otoes of what she really need and wants.

It is very hard to be a son/daughter/or a hired care giver, with all the great remarks in the world, to sit here and let you mother make decisions, when you believe, or this is what I am hearing from your posts, that the reality is, if she is not incompetent, she does have the right to make up her own mind, etc.

She is your mother, love her. You do not need to love her actions, but unless you have solid proof, that this gentlemen is not doing things correctly, really is is about "blood is thicker than water".

I wish you all the luck, as I am a paid caregiver and have been for 9 years. My mother fell ill to Alzheimer's Disease. The families that I walk in the door, and they want this this this, and that, sometimes, (I), we have to realize that in your case, this is making you mother happy?

Try not to ruin the relationship with her. You sound like a son that cares, and loves.

I admire you for writing, and really trying to get this functionally solved

It's not for you to judge whom your mother wants to be with, or what she wants to do with her money. It's her money, it's her life. Just because a person is old, forgetful or even demented is no reason why they should not be allowed to use their own resources to be happy. I suggest you support her in being free to live her life the way she wants, and focus your attention on living your life the way you want.