My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.
I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.
I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!
A woman daily leaving messes for a very pregnant mother of a 2 and 4 year old should be considered okay?
Having her hijack husband every evening so he has no time with his children is good behavior?
Obviously the OP cared, she let her move in, she just didn't expect her house to turn in grandma's house and her be the servant to this inconsiderate woman.
By the way, you don't get evicted for nothing and it doesn't happen in 12 hours. She chose not to say anything to these young people until she was sure they had no choice but to let her move in. That is manipulation and reason enough for anyone to get the conniving old hag out of their home.
If she already has raised her hand to your child thinking it was the dog, thats a VERY VERY dangerous situation.
It sounds like she needs mental help also besides being a slob!
I would start contacting your state AHCCCS program to see if they can help you put her somewhere. Find out who handles that sort of thing in your state. Contact a social worker and fill out papers to put her somewhere. Contact your local “agency on aging” dept. Tell them you are in a dire situation and need help NOW!
You are in a dangerous situation!
Your husband needs to understand that she may make a mistake one day with the knife thinking its the dog and its YOUR CHILD!!
Her stabbing your poor dog with the knife would be horrible but her mistakenly stabbing your child with the knife because she thought it was the dog, would be tragic!
Get that knife out of her hands! Lock them up! One day you might be sorry you didnt.
(I finally got my husband to find a place for my father in law who lives with us. I told hubby “Its him or me!”
”I cant live this way anymore!”
He saw me packing a bag one day and got scared. Sometimes they need a visual and to be told the consequences before they realize they need to pull their head out of the sand and stop ignoring the problem.)
Good Luck and prayers for you
Plan B would involve having your husband walk in your shoes for a week. Let HIM take care of the kids and her while you find peace somewhere else. That should convince him. If not, get the heck out of your marriage! It’s not worth your happiness!
Good luck to you.
But yes, this dirty old woman needs to go somewhere she can be medicated and not have access to knives..or dogs...or kids. Yikes!
Have a good day!
It sounds to me that you’re afraid to present these options (that have been suggested ) to your husband. No one knows your situation better than you. It’s
Your grandmother in law walking around with a knife that is serious enough to call her primary care doctor so he can send the department of aging to do an in-home evaluation. It’s not as easy as people are saying to put someone out on the street. Believe me! I’m taking care of two parents both of which have dementia and are very very unreasonable. I have two dogs that I treat like my own children whom I love dearly that I would never consider getting rid of. I also watch my granddaughter four days a week.
Bottom line:
Get the responsibility off of your shoulders by calling her primary care doctor. Request an in-home assessment. Explain the situation. He will then send the proper professionals to observe and determine the best solution for her. If there is not a power of attorney in place, you could give the doctor permission to make the proper decisions for her.
I can see this has put you in the middle, You feel stuck and you feel helpless. It sounds like you had a very happy home before this woman came. You absolutely cannot risk the safety of your children or your dogs especially with a person walking around with a knife that will strike at any time! You will be in my prayers often. Please, please call her primary care doctor or the department of aging in your town.
Ps. Your husband is not acting like your husband right now. He should be doing everything in his power to protect you and the children. I don’t know why men tend to run away or turn their heads during these situations. I’m begging you to stand your ground. Don’t be afraid to speak the truth to your husband making sure you are clear and you fear for your children, pets, yourself.
*Your marriage simply will not survive*
To those who wonders if grandma has kids, maybe she does and they have their honest reasons for not taking her in.
I say this because once my bf had a friend of someone to be removed from his house via his doctor. He went to take this paper from the doctor to court, saying this lady is a threat to his health and she had to go.
Sit down with your husband to create a plan to get her out of your house before your marriage is irreparably damaged. It’s an emergency.
Unfortunately Grandma sounds like a bit more than a handful as a tenant - previous eviction, choice between homeless shelter or OP's house, plus a whole kaleidoscope of behavioural symptoms :( I personally feel the OP would do best to leave her husband out of it and go direct to the professionals. Emergency is the word!
good luck
Grandma needs to go, one way or the other.
Someone is going to call the police with a tip about your in-law running around with a knife. In the meantime, if your husband is not going to respond, you need to tell him you're getting "help". Then have a 3rd party, possibly a social worker or someone who will come in to 'help' you clean house while they are observing then start writing their report the incidents protection services and try to help you find assistance. Don't leave - yet. It doesn't cost to have a social worker to come in. They can tip off the police, scare the HE double hockey sticks out of your in-law and husband for this matter. OR... if you take you and your kids to a shelter do you think it would alarm your husband and nock some sense in him? You need several options to work with. My prayers are with you.
Thought it may mention wives submitting to husbands, but husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves His Church and died for it.
Your family no longer is first priority once you are married. I'm not saying you cannot be there, but if spouse has legit concerns, to not push them aside. Bummer she cannot put up a video monitor hiding somewhere, even of it is old cell phone that is smart phone, or can she?
Whoever said stress is bad for the baby, absolutely! And stressed mom, and the stress can get taken out on kids who cannot defends themselves, so they are stuck.
Good luck.
Important to set boundaries even though your husband wants to make all the rules. Put your foot down and let them both know what you want and want needs to be done to bring harmony for you in your house. This is suppose to be your safe haven and grandma and your husband need to see this. Have a good talk with him, set boundaries even if he does not like it, and change things around.
All I can say is that your living situation sounds like a mess, and I would get rid of those dogs instead of his mom. Sometimes children can tease dogs like bite their tails or pull on them that can make them vicious.
Children MUST be supervised around pets.
IF his mom has mental health issues..is that safe for your kids? She needs help. Not be thrown out on the streets.
I would make a list for hubby and tell him what his job is in terms of cleaning up after his grandmother as you will no longer do it.
You don’t say why she was evicted but it’s possible there is section 8 housing or low income housing for seniors she can afford. But to put this in your plate is mean spirited of your husband. Being married is being a team, and he is not on your side. An objective counselor could help him realize the issues. In the meantime, hide all knives and do not leave the children with her. If you see her threaten anyone call 911.
Im so sorry you are dealing with this. Your husband is showing his true colors and unless he wants to be paying child support with visitation rights, he needs to step up and out you and the kids first.
i cannot imagine being pregnant with two toddlers and dealing with such situation.
Your husband is not being considerate. Who is the selfish one?
it is not your responsibility to care for his grandmother. Let him clean after her, that may help him reconsider.
Does he have parents? Why isn’t the grandmother with one of her children?
You need to be strong and think all about all that lies ahead for you and your family and drive your husband to make the right decision for you and your family.
Best of luck
You have to either stay away so husb comes home to clean up the mess everyday without fail. Or you leave it as is. No matter how gross. Done. You no longer see it. What mess?
Your job is to take care of kids. He is now responsible for her. Period. Hes a guy. As long as he isnt put out by her behavior, its not going to effect him. He didnt care how it effected you. He also might have family thanking him, telling him hes a hero. Or guilting him into keeping her, so they dont have to get involved. Probably both. Their not gonna take her. Hes feeling guilty. Thats why he took her.
Youve taken on too much. You need to change. Now.
Guess what? Doc told you to rest now. Cant clean, cant bend over. Must come home and put feet up. Im serious. Let him clean up, get dinner for everyone, baths ready, laundry etc. You are now in late stages of pregnancy. Your done. Doc says no stress. Harmful for you and baby. Which it is! So you make sure you have no stress. Cant have it. Let it all fall on him. Let him get a taste of what your going thru. Go in bedroom with kids. Watch tv relax. Dont worry about dinner, dogs getting put out. Nothing. Now he will see things differently. No begging, whining, cajoling, arguing etc. Calm only.
Your on strike. Dont tell him that!!! Just flip the script. He comes home and takes care of it all. Your on hiatus. Stop taking care of grandma! Not your job! Its been his job and you took over. STOP IT!!!!! Not one cup, mess, napkin. Nothing. Let it pile up and go to #@#$. And it will but too bad. Thats what you need to do so hes sees and HE has to deal with it. Your not allowed to have stress. Things will change when HE is inconvenienced. Do not feel guilty and fold or you will be back to square one. Stay the course. After baby comes you have that to deal with so you still dont clean up. Dont do it. You just have to wait it out. It will change when he cant come home and relax. Just put on rose color glasses. Let the mess pile up. He will hate coming home to that, so will do something about it. If the mess looks gross take a walk, get in the car and take a drive. Id leave him with the kids too. Cant have stress gotta go. Be back when I destress. Dump it in his lap. Act nonchalant about it too. If he asks, you cant have stress. Act innocent. Never say you did it on purpose. Docs orders. He will change quick. I give it 2 weeks before it changes. Hes gotta see how it really is. Id call adult protective services or police if she pulls knife on kids tho. Just 1x. Shes not dealing in reality and neither is he for thinking its not that bad. If they take her. He deals with it. You dont step up to deal with it. No more stress.
My mother lives with me and is nasty, surly, mean and ungrateful. I'd never ever have took her in given it to do over. Don't feel guilty over ornery old people. They were probably that way their entire life. Getting old doesn't give them a free pass to be complete jerks. Hubby needs to realize his own family should be his priority. She has already lived her life, and needs to stop ruining your family.
please get out of there
do you have family or friends to help in the short term
do you think your husband has done this to get you out of the house and his life?
i don’t wish to be rude but he sounds like a complete d*ck
get some legal advice. Move him and his grandmother out or move yourself
sorry but it seems to me like tag team wrestling
https://seniorresourceswmi.org/resources/
From their website:
"Tell us your story. . . We're here to help.
Call one of our trained Options Counselors: (231) 733-3585 or 1-800-442-0054 . . .
We will listen to your unique life situation, present options, and help guide you to information and resources. We can help with eligibility for government supported programs, application processes, options for long-term care services, and we can serve as a neutral source for aging-related information."
I see from the website that the phone line is open Monday-Friday, 8 AM to 4 PM.
She flat out needs to go or you do with the kids.
I guarntee if I went to jail, my kids would/could not take in my mom, nor would I want them to.
Does that mean all the female relatives on his side of the family carry knives around and are complete slobs? Just curious.
I would put my foot down about you having to clean up after little miss piggy, she is so flipping wonderful, have at grandson because you want her here, you get to deal with all the work she creates.
I have no patience with pigs, I would traumatize the old bag for leaving MY HOUSE a pigsty. What kind of house guest does that. Don't answer, it's rhetorical.
Do you have anyone that can and will help you? This situation will not get better, she has already set him and you at odds, she feels like wonder woman and who knows what she will pull next.