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Mum has always been stubborn and resisted any help, that is apart from me! She has not yet fully been diagnosed (due to stubbornness) but she’s well on her way with dementia. Lately she thinks she has conversations with the tv and that she ownes 4 houses and knows important figures personally. When I bring up the topic that if she wants me to keep caring for her as well as look after her finances, she needs to put her affairs in order. She just tells me, well of course it’s you, who else! She is divorced and there is me and one brother left (who is in a care facility). I tell her it’s not as simple as that and she cracks it! I ask her, do you want the government to make decisions for you or me and she says “YOU off course, they need to keep their grubby hands off or" (then she does a little cut throat inactment). So as you can see she does not want a bar of anyone else interfering in matters but yet refuses to awknowledge that she needs to do the paperwork to appoint me rightfully. I fear it’s too late and her worst wishes will come true. She lives with me but recently was in hospital and there they scared her by saying she might not be released back home which was a shock. I had to comfort my mum past visiting hours and calm her down. Then the nurse had to again call me at 5am as Mum was crying again about wanting home. The nurse asked me to calm her. In the end the doc released her to say she misses home very bad and it’s clear you guys are very close. However I fear if something like this happens again her affairs won’t be in order! There is no reasoning with her, to her it’s black and white. I take her to the shops, doctors etc and do what she asks me and she is used to it. In her mind, this is not going to change. She likes being independent but having me to rely on. I keep asking her, but in the future.. when you can no longer do these things, do you want me to keep being able to help, and she just says it already is like that. Ughhh

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If your mum can clearly state her wish that she wants you to be her POA, when she is calm and less confused, then I think you may be able to pull it off without getting guardianship. You will need to find a lawyer who will work with you ASAP and let him guide as far as assessing if her wishes are clear and acceptable. She *may* still be competent enough to name you as POA.

Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
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Reply to ExhaustedPiper
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Contact an elder law attorney yourself, give them all the info needed, pay them to draw up the documents, then make an appointment to bring mum to attorney (or maybe attorney comes to see mum at home.) Use your judgement--will mum be impressed and on her best behavior going to an attorney's office, or will she be overwhelmed? If she might be overwhelmed or intimidated, the attorney can come to mum. Will mum respond best to a woman attorney? Or maybe she'll swoon for a handsome male attorney? Some of the paperwork will need to be signed by a witness who is not a relative, so for that part it's easiest at home. Invite a trusted friend to be witness, and make a coffee party out of it. I did this with my mother and it worked out well. There were two visits--one in the office to review the paperwork that had already been drawn up, and one visit at home with the witness to sign. Elder law attorneys should be used to visiting the client at home. Your mother needs to demonstrate only orientation to place and situation in order to have the level of capacity to sign. If your mum can carry on a coherent conversation about real life for 15 minutes, she probably has the necessary "capacity." Go for it! PS: Don't tell her how much it costs, because then she'll never agree. If you have a credit card, pay for it yourself beforehand without letting her know the cost. If you choose an attorney who is just a one-person practice, their office won't look too fancy. Another tip: Create at least two sets of signed originals. That way she keeps one set (and hides its somewhere), while you keep the other complete set of signed originals.
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Reply to Beekee
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In one of your replies you mentioned that Mum is still advocating for your brother and appears to be worried she will not be able to do that if she prepares her paperwork.

Perhaps you can use that as a starting point. “Mum, I am worried after your last hospital visit who will follow you wishes for my brother if you are incapacitated? If we get your paperwork up to date, I will have one less worry if you go into the hospital again and can act on your behalf re brother.”

Remind her too that by creating POA financial, Representative Agreement, healthcare, preplanning and paying for her funeral, updating her Will, she is not giving up control of her life, she is controlling who will make decisions on her behalf in the future if needed.
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Reply to Tothill
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You say that she was recently in hospital; yet she left undiagnosed.That was your opportunity to speak with a Social Worker to explain what is happening, and to get your mother diagnosed before she left, to have her doctor get the neuro-psyc exam she needed, and often the Social Worker can even get a temporary guardianship from a Judge or conservatorship. You say "mum" and you may not BE in our country. But rules, while they vary, may be similar in all of that.
Conservatorship gives you the right to take on the finances, keeping meticulous records for her, and to get her the care she requires. Guardianship the same.
It is quite too late for any POA or other "by choice" things to be done.
I advise that the next time she is in hospital this be done. Or you can see an Elder Law Attorney and find out how to do guardianship. This will, of course, require a diagnosis.
It is now no longer in Mom's choice, and it would be "We have an appt with Dr. ____ on Monday; he's asked to see you. And you will follow through in that way.
If Mom is entirely uncooperative in that, then you are down to next hospitalization. Which, of course, WILL COME. If you are not in the USA and you have any other agency to contact now is the time. If you are here, most areas have Counsel on Aging to call to get pointers on how to proceed.
As I said, it is likely too late for POA. That must be conferred at request by a competent elder. Too late for that.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Cappuccino42 Jan 24, 2021
Thanks for your reply. Yes, they had organised a social worker to see her at the hospital but once the doctors found out that we had not done paperwork, ie POA, the head doctor released her beforehand. The other doctor had told Mum (who was then distressed) that she may not be able to come home with me and be sent elsewhere once the social worker turns up if there is no paperwork to indicate I’m POA. Mum lives with me after my other brothers death in 2019 which resulted in mums state. With Mum crying on my shoulder I demanded to speak to the head doctor to ask about these as it was upsetting the other doctor had put fear into my Mum. She then suggested to go sort out paperwork (especially as we are planning to move interstate once covid settles) and promised Mum nothing like that would happen and said I can see how lovely a relationship you have. Then next morning I get a call to come pick Mum up before the social worker. So not sure what was going on there... was there really that fear?
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Teepa Snow is an expert on dementia and she has some very informative videos (for free) on YouTube. I think you would greatly benefit from watching some so that you don't lose your mind trying to "reason" with someone who is mentally no longer able to do so (been there, done that). May you have peace in your heart as you figure out how to act in her best interests.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Cappuccino42 Jan 24, 2021
Thanks Geatom777, I will have to check them out :) might explain the variation within her cognitive ability when relaxed VS angered. This topic is something that angers her.
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It sounds like the only option you have at this point is to see an Elder Care Attorney yourself and ask for Guardianship. then you would be in charge and can do what needs to be done to protect mom's assets so that you can follow through with what she wants done.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Cappuccino42 Jan 24, 2021
Yes I’ll have to have a look into it :( I definitely want things sorted before she goes to any senior residence. Now that she knows exactly what she wants hahahah, she will only budge at the higher scale ones, lol.
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The person that is appointing the person that they want to be their POA, has to be of sound mind to be able to legally sign the paperwork. Sadly it doesn't sound like your mom would be able to do that anymore, as she's too far along in her dementia journey. The only other option left is to file for guardianship with the courts. That way you will have the say as to what happens to your mom in her care and other matters. Without that, the state will be awarded guardianship, and they will decide what happens to your mom.

I know you're wanting your mom to "organize her affairs," but someone with dementia, can't even organize their own thoughts, so organizing her own affairs will be next to impossible. It's time to get the guardianship ball rolling. Good luck.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Cappuccino42 Jan 24, 2021
yes that’s what I fear and which is the one thing she definitely doesn’t want and neither do I due to what she’s been through with her son :( she has had her battles with the government in regards to her son. She was forced to put her son into care some 25 years ago (due to a mental disability) and it’s been a nonstop battle about his welfare. She still goes on about it passionately but when it’s time to talk about her,..it’s a different story.
Think that’s part of the problem... she knows by doing this to herself would give away her ability in regards to him forever. The government is his guardianship but they’ve listened to Mum to a certain degree. Like now the government moved him somewhere where he doesn’t want to be and his relying on Mum to sort it. He cries on the phone to her and off course Mum wants to sort it out now. It could not get more twisted honestly.

Granted her confusion at times regarding people on tv/sleep, she still showers, dresses and puts on make up, feeds the cats etc.
I honestly feel her “sound mind” is dependent on if she’s angered or relaxed. I can have conversations with her about other topics and she’ll remember accurate details and comment on them. But this topic angers her and then she loses the plot. Once she’s lost her plot, she’s 5 x worse. It’s the same if nurses / doctors quiz her. I can ask her questions out of the blue like, can you tell me the time, date and she’ll tell me or even a maths question and she’ll answer. If I ask her how much she spent at the grocery store, she knows. If a nurse asks her and she knows she’s been quizzed, she shuts off fully. I don’t know what that is all about?? Is this common? So frustrating! She has always been a stubborn person who walks to the beat of her own drum and has never done something just to appease. When I ask why she wouldn’t answer she says, I’m not going to comply.
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