My husband and I have been caring for my FIL who has early onset alz (diagnosed in 2018) our situation is unique because MIL has been terminally ill since 2010 and FIL was her care giver for many years. We live with FIL and have for years because we wanted to support him emotionally and financially. MIL lives in a hospital herself and FIL used to spend 10 hours a day there with her because she is paralyzed. We never thought that Husband and I would be living in his childhood home for 10 years unable to move out and being tasked to fix every issue with a house that was falling apart. Not to mentioned kind of guilted into staying in a house we never wanted. We are now in our early and late 30's with no house of our own and no family of our own. We have become perpetual care givers since 2010. This past year FIL's alz regressed a lot. To the point where he needs care beyond what we can provide. He doesn't know who we are he doesn't know his wife, who he was a care giver for for over 10 years. He forgets why we bring him to see her at the hospital. He is comfortable with us and knows to some extent that we are "family" But has no clue husband is his son. He also believes daily that he's never been in the basement of a house he's lived in for 30 years. We do everything for him, prepare all meals, turn the shower on, give him clothes to change into, we do everything for him save for actually putting the food in his mouth or physically putting his clothes on him. He still has mechanical functions, but pretty much has no idea how to take care of himself or what to do with himself. A psw comes two times a week for 2 hours, apparently there is a shortage of them right now so we barely get respite. We actually can't leave the house together at all, as FIL needs 24 supervision. He doesn't wander much, but he has walked off a few times and it has scared us because he doesn't recognize the streets near the house anymore. There's so much more but it would be pages long to go into detail. Husband is already at his breaking point and having issues focusing on his job (he works from home) he has been put on a higher does of anti depressants, something he was weaning off of a year ago. MIL wants FIL to live with her at her hospital, we have put in the paper work for FIL to move there with her. However, they don't usually accept alz patients, so they would have to grant us some kind of exception. We have now heard that the odds are not good, but MIL won't accept any other situation. We have tried to talk to her about the list of other care homes we'd like to place FIL on, but she completely shuts down. She wants it her way or no way even if it causes her own son more pain and suffering. We try to include her in these hard decisions and have even brought up the idea of maybe seeing if she could move to a facility with him, but she doesn't want to leave the hospital she has been in for 6 years now. I understand her perspective and I know she is hurting, but we have tried so many times to softly ask her for her support. We need her to be on our side. We have done so much for her and given up so much of our own lives for her and her husband ... It's terrible to say but I feel like the more she does this to us the more resentful I become. She is stopping us from 1. having a meaningful life of our own and 2. getting her husband the actual care he needs. She believes all homes are terrible and like they were in the 80s. She doesn't believe that the care homes have good programs, even though all the ones we chose are some of the newest more expensive with great programs. How can we get her to understand and to be on our side? On another note. I find no information on how long we can expect to wait for FIL to get into a care home.. for anyone who has had their loved one on a wait list, how long was the wait on average? Getting to a point where we need MIL to get on the same page as we are afraid wait list will be another year and we can't do it anymore.
So your DH is losing both his parents? To age, illness & dementia? That IS big. But you do have your own lives to live too. Or do you? What about your own house, kids, careers?
Seems you are both stuck. Living his parents life with them. Tell me.. what do you both want to do in your own lives? Before middle age hits?
I ask because I have also been stuck. (Those apron strings can be awfully thick sometimes).
FIL gets placed in a good Memory Care Assisted Living right away and MIL is told nothing. It's that simple. Memory Care ALs ARE taking new residents all the time so get him placed now and move on with YOUR lives.
You've done more than enough.
All the best.
Obviously a hospital setting isn't what he needs, and in fact, he'd deteriorate far more quickly without the proper care as she would without proper care.
I realize she feels like she's doing her part to be his "caregiver" as best she can, but she needs to be taken out of the decision making process now.
Wait times vary upon location and facilities. The facility itself would know the average timeframe better than anyone else. If your first choice isn’t available now, choose again.
The only thing stopping you is making a decision to go forward.
If FIL can’t visit now, how would MIL even know where he lives?
She is beyond knowing what is best for any of you.
You need to say "no more", step away and let the state of Florida take guardianship.
Please tell her that these are her choices. State guardianship or a good Memory Care unit.