How to get mom to spend her money on care?

Find Care & Housing


My mother plans to save our inheritance, which will be split four ways amongst me and my brothers. She fully expects me to do more than any of my brothers in working to keep the inheritance intact. She gave me her car, which she thinks benefits me more than her. I was forced to become her taxi driver, and she did not take it well at first when I set some very strong boundaries.

She should hire a housecleaner and someone to monitor her showers and help her get dressed. She refuses to do so. I refuse to be the free help.

She should sell her condo and use the money for Assisted Living. If she ever gets to the point of needing a SNF, she has excellent LTC insurance (unfortunately won't cover AL). Her LTC insurance would cover in-home help, but she showtimes and grandstands so much, she won't admit that she needs the help.

I'm just the Dummy Daughter Driver. I'm not even allowed into the doctor visits with her. I detach as much as I can. She is housebound, isolated and has no idea how she is accelerating her decline because of her stubbornness. I've given up in attempting to make any sort of changes for her.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to CTTN55

I took out a separate bank acc't in mom's bank & transferred money from our joint to my sole one then wrote cheques from that one - then I could look mom in the eye & truthfully say I paid for 'it' from MY back acc't -

Remember it is your time that you spend on her NOT YOUR MONEY - hire the help you need & even get a cleaning lady 1 or 2 times a month & that could be 50/50 with her as she lives there too -

Does she pay room & board? - if not then she should & figure in the help needed into the amount she pays
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to moecam

It also sounds like she shouldn’t be handling her finances. If you can take that away from her you can tell her you are paying for the caregivers so she doesn’t have to worry about spending her money (even tho she really is)! Good luck.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Barb53

astemecula, I see from your profile that your Mom lives at home with you, and she has general age decline.

Are you doing the hands-on caregiving or are you able to continue working outside of the house so that you can fund your own retirement?

I couldn't get my parents to blow the dust off their wallets to pay for whatever issue came up. They still lived in their house which had a lot of stairs, and being in their 90's both were fall risk. They were just so use to doing things for themselves and Dad could fix anything around the house, except Mom would only let Dad wash the car, not do any repairs on the car.

There are times we need to not enable our parent(s), thus give them back the independence of making decision while they still can. My parents decision was the stall big time until I was available to help them.

I found on-line grocery service which was available in my area. What a relief not having to make two trips to the grocery store, one for my parent(s), and one for myself. I hated shopping !! My Mom wasn't all that trilled with the on-line service but I stood my ground, even though guilt was thrown that way.

Someone here on the forum told me a few years ago to start practicing saying "sorry, I can't possibly do that". It's funny, whenever I visited and had to leave soon, I found saying "I have laundry in the dryer" it was acceptable to my Mom :))
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to freqflyer

Astemecula, can you give us more information on your mother's situation? I assume she's at home but doesn't want to pay for private duty care? What are her needs? Housekeeping chores vs. ADL issues?

Does she live alone? Does she need assistive retrofitting? More information will help guide responses.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to GardenArtist

They seem to not think they need help but want us to do it so they do not have to pay. I had that problem with my MIL. She did not want to pay if she sees the bill she freaks out. The problem with dementia is they need care but sometimes they think they can do anything. The other times they need help doing everything.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to helpwithmil

Refuse to do for her anything that can be paid for.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Kimber166