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My elderly disabled in-laws live in our home, Dad had a stroke several yrs ago, mom is morbidly over weight, and now her rehab center tells me she needs 24 hr care, the thing is I myself am semi disabled, my husband works, and its down to dad and I to look after mom, apart from 4 hrs a day a carer comes in. Its Not enough, mom gets dad up anywhere up to 4 times a night. He's making himself ill and she won't go into 24 hr care and the rehab place says they can't make her. We're at our wits end, dads to the point he doesn't want her home, she's demanding, does nothing for herself, won't bathe, has excuses for everything, nothings her fault, all shell do is watch tv and dad never gets the remote. She wont go to bed, instead she sits in her chair all night.

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They just said as she wasnt making progress and just complains all the time, they cant make her stay there or go into 24 hr care, and to have her reevaluated, they think by sending her home shell end up making the decision herself, we however, dont see that Happening. Ive spoken to dad and he knows shell just go back to her old ways, shes not bothered how it affects him or me or my husband.i asked my husband to go have a word and he said no, he wasnt telling her she couldnt come home.
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She needs a complete evaluation of her mental health and as to why she's morbidly obese. Has rehab no suggestions?
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Ive tried to get her to go outside, she says she cant she has allergies, her latest thing is" Ive got a headache. "She wouldnt govto our wedding last may, nor too the reception in our yard, but pulled my friends boyfriend to bits for not coming in and introducing himself to her!! As for the food, im not sure where she gets it, ive said many a time to my husband , im sure shes getting up in the night and getting into food, because i feed her and theres no way she should be the size she is on the portions and food i give her.
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terilou, you Mom-in-law should be losing weight unless the family or her husband is bringing the food to her.... I don't think she is getting in the car and driving herself to the grocery store or to carry-out restaurants. Again, stop enabling her. Go through the cupboards and start tossing anything that has unless calories, even if it means the rest of the family goes without.

As for her knees, the skeleton wasn't designed to carry a lot of heavy weigh, and sadly it is the knees that scream the most. As we all know, losing weight can help with the pain. But it has to be Mom's decision to do something about it.

"im old and i dont have to do anything"??? My Mom is 97 and no one waits on her hand and foot... we will drive her somewhere if need be... other than that she does all the cooking for her and Dad, all the laundry, all the house cleaning, even helps Dad out in the yard... mind you she has her limitations because she is legally blind, but she does what she can.
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I have learned from experience. I have a 93 year old aunt who lived in an apartment complex, refused to take her meds, has a seizure disorder and had a massive seizure one night. I am her trustee, her health care proxy and her power of attorney. After the seizure, she was hospitalized, and placed in a ALF because it was not safe for her to be alone. She was beyond having anyone come in and help care for her because it would have to be 24 hour service. I learned through experience, her doctors evaluated her and determined she could never go back to living alone. I had a rep from the county health care, a rep from an ALF, myself and her doctors make the decision jointly she had to be placed into the ALF.
First call the office of aging and tell them of your situation, and if they cannot help you, ask if they direct you to who can. Do not discount doctors as in these situations they can examine your mom, determine the best course of action for the sake of her health and you and your dads. If you do not have a health care proxy in order, run the forms off from the internet, fill them out, and they must be signed by two people outside of your situation and will make a clear, informed decision on her care. You may have to consult with an elder care attorney for advise on how to get through this process, I did. I am an Ombudsman for NYS, I advocate for the rights of they elderly, and I learned a lot about laws and how to work through them. I also had my aunt psychologically evaluated which can be done by your doctor. There are a lot of people who can help resolve your situation, and make life livable for all. No, your mom will not want to go into an ALF or nursing home, and she will be angry, but remember you are doing this out of love for all involved. I am living through a nightmare with my 90 year old dad, my aunt but I will not be made to feel like a failure, I won't feel guilty. Doing what is right for an elder loved one is tough, I have had my moments of shedding tears, wishing I was dead, but I am not going to live with that anymore. If I can help you please let me know. Good luck...
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If dad doesnt get up she will either scream til anyone gets up,or lie there andcwet herself. (im up at 5) im going thru the change of life and am taking something to help me sleep, (its not the easiest time for me either) i explained this yesterday andcshe said " well I never did need to do that, i dont see why anyone would". her sons ex wife had told her flat out, youre not living in my house, but when she left him, he moved them in, it was company for them and hed know they were ok. I hate to say it, but i see why his ex said what she said.
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Easier said than done unfortunately, we got someone in to 'help' its made things worse, she has no reason to get up ,speaking to the family it seems she told a member of the family about 30 years ago, that she couldnt wait til she was old , then everyone would be w aiting on her hand and foot, she then about 20 yrs ago just decided she wasnt doing anything ever again, "im old and i dont have to do anything", she has diabetes. Its under control, her glucose levels are better than mine, and my doc said mine were nothing to worry about. Apparently there issome degree of arthritis in one knee, the thing is she pitches a fit and shouts at everyone, or shell start crying, and dad cant stand seeing her crying. But he cant handle her, neither can i, she gets stuff muddled and tells you what she thinks she heard, we called 911 twice in a week before she went into hosp , i told them she needed attention, or wed be calling them again in a day or two.. She called dad and said she had pneumonia, dad got a ll upset, when i spoke to her nurse she said, she was br ought in with suspected pnemonia but after testing her all she had was an ongoing UTI. she gets dad up to help her go to tho toilet, she wont even wipe herself.says she cant. if its not directly in front of her, she cant reach anything. She got new glasses a few months ago and it was amazing how well she could see, til she realized that we were making her find stuff around her chair for herself, then suddenly she can't see again. As i said were at our wits end. Ive called her case worker and asked for a reevaluation, but more hours isnt the answer, she needs to be where she can be looked after, since thats what she wants. She said some nasty things yesterday to dad her husband for 54 yrs, said he obviously didnt want her, and thats fine if she cant come home then shell go to california and live with her sister, (extremely unrealistic).
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It sounds like your FIL needs some respite. Poor man. It sounds like he needs to get a safe haven where he can get away and get some sleep.

I wondered if your mother has seen a bariatric specialist. Carrying around extra weight is not only a burden on her, it has become a burden on the rest of the family. She needs some help in shedding those extra pounds. I am all for people being able to enjoy their food, but not to the point that they handicap themselves. It seems that if she shed some of those pounds that the quality of life for everyone would increase. Do you think there is any way to tackle this problem, or is she totally resistant? Seeing her weight come down and her energy go up may be enough reward for her to live healthier if only someone could get her headed in that direction. (I know, easier said than done.)
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Sadly when one is morbidly overweight there isn't much they can do... just walking a few steps feels like walking up a steep mountain. What are her other health issues besides weight issues? Why does she need to get up so often in the night or does she want something that Dad need to get?

If the whole family pitches in and eats only low calorie meals like a lot of salads, with no snacks in the house, no ice cream, maybe Mom-in-Law will start losing some weight.

One thing you all need to do is stop enabling her.... unplug the TV if need be.... Mom has to start moving around on her own and start doing things for herself. If she is able to stand for a certain amount of time [I know it won't be easy], have her wash the dishes or do laundry.

Would an agency be able to send out an Bath Aide to help Mom bathe, which I understand can be very difficult for someone who is carrying a lot of weight?
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Your dad is correct, she will put him in his grave unless ya'll stand up against this.
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She needs a comprehensive evaluation. No one can make her go anywhere, but you can state to the discharge folks at rehab that there is no one to provide 24/7 care. You, your husband and father in law are going to have to stand firm on that.
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Noone has poa, but dad signs most stuff for her due to cataracts, the nurse shes under was going to see her Dr , she. Says she is almost certain he wont discharge her. In the mean time, shes susupposed to come home on tue, dads worried sick, as am i. Hes alot stronger than he was a month ago, but he said yesterday, "shell put me in my grave"
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Has she seen her doctor for an evaluation of her health mentally and physically?

Does anyone have durable and medical POA for her?
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