How to successfully get Mom to the dementia care living facility and out of her home?

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After years of using agencies and caregivers that come and go, mom's care is no longer manageable in her own home. I had visited many assisted living care facilities near my home and found a couple that specialize in Dementia/Alzheimer's care only. The home is a few hours away from where mom lives. The care home told me, you get her here, and we will take it from there.....Didn't have much advise to offer on how to get an unwilling participant to go. Mom is very emotionally charged, and does not want to leave her home, although it's not viable anymore for her to stay. Mom is very alert, angry, upset and frustrated all the time, and flat out would refuse to go, and of course there is no rationale or reasoning that will work due to her dementia. I wish mom had a docile, sweeter disposition, but mom is quite nasty most of the time...
I am POA, and just need some practical advice. Do I just say we're going for a ride? Please share your experiences of what worked for you, getting an alert, unwilling parent to a care home.

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Great! Looking forward to finding out how things are going!
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Thank you Christine73. I hope so too, and will follow up and post experience.
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Caringkat, it took a very short time for my mother to adjust to the nursing home and feel that it's her home, and she loves it! The first week or two was kind of rough, but now she has friends and she's so much happier than she was at home. I wish the same thing for you. :)
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All great answers, thank you! Christine 73, I think we have the same mother, very similar experiences. I will update how it goes. Mom is in the hospital for evaluation, and I took the opportunity to pack her bags and photos, and will be moving her directly into the Dementia care home, no stops on the way. Mom thought the hospital was her home, and was yelling at patients to get out of her house!.....I'm hoping mom will think her room at the care facility is her home too. Fingers crossed.
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Mthr adores my husband, so hubby went to get her without me (she's always distrusted me). She was very weak and confused, but he was able to bring her 5 hours from her home to our memory care facility. They did have to stop for the potty a couple of time, but he would wait outside or knock on the ladies room door first and point her towards a stall, then run to the men's room himself and return to wait out side the door.

I already had a bunch of clothes moved into her room. When he arrived at this "hotel", the head nurse was waiting with an aide. They hustled her into her room and into a shower (Full service hotel, no?) and hubby took off. Whenever it was time to leave that first month or so, the staff helped us distract her. Once she was on the anti depressant it was SO MUCH EASIER!
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I was in your exact situation last October. A NH bed had opened up for my mom at one of the dementia units I'd applied to. The thing is, my mother often did not want to leave the house, and she's very strong willed. I'd had to cancel a number of appmts last minute because even with a couple of hours of coaxing, I couldn't get her to go.

So I went to her house the night before to talk to her and pack a bag. I had no idea what I was going to say. I'm not a fan of the "therapeutic lie" and I could not bring myself to tell my dear mom, "you're going into a nursing home." When I got there, the door was open and there was a note from a cop on the kitchen table. Apparently, the cops had been called by the neighbors because my mother was knocking on their doors frightened, paranoid, and could not be calmed. She was in the psychiatric ER for evaluation. I knew they would just observe her and release her to me later, so I used that as an opportunity to pack her things and put the suitcase in my car before picking her up at the psych ward.

When I came back the next day, I had her put on something warm and comfortable and told her I had a surprise for her and she was going to be sooooo happy. We got into the car and I drove her to the NH, focusing on the trees, the blue sky, nice scenery, anything pleasant. The ride was about an hour and a half. When we got there, I took her suitcase out of the trunk and off we went. I felt a little bad "lying" but I had no choice. Actually, it was a half lie. I did hope mom would be happy. She had expressed to me several times that she wanted to leave her home where men came through the walls to molest her in the night and girls came in the night to steal her stuff. (Hallucinations.) She had previously said she wanted to "leave and never come back."

I feel for you. It's extremely hard and very sad. It sounds like you found a great facility with understanding staff so kudos for getting your mom into a good place. Too many people take whatever is available and don't shop around. So my suggestion is, from experience, tell her that something desirable is waiting for her. Tell her whatever you have to say to get her to the place where she will receive the care she needs. I would also have her use the bathroom before getting in the car so you won't have to stop on the way. I've had my mother think I was kidnapping her when we were on a long ride and an unfamiliar place. She tried to escape when I stopped so she could use the bathroom in 7-Eleven. She told the clerk she was being kidnapped. Cops were called, and it took 3 hours to get her back in the car. She never even had to go to the bathroom. It was just a plan to "rescue" herself. So if at all possible, once you get going, don't stop the car. After that happened, I wouldn't stop, even if mom said she had to go to the bathroom again. I reasoned that, worse case scenario, if she had an accident I could get the car detailed. If she ran off in a panic and got lost or hit by a car, there would be nothing I could do.

When I was a child, my parents very lovingly manufactured some reason to make me look the other way as we were passing Adventure Land in the car. It was what was needed. Take comfort in the fact that you are doing what is needed now. Please keep us posted.
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Most facilities offer respite or temporary periods of care, usually 30 days. You may be able to coax your mom into a short stay and convert to long term. Personally, I wouldn't be against stretching the truth a little to make this happen. I'm going to be facing the same situation very soon with my parents. Good luck.
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Discuss this with the MD, very often anxiety meds are needed for a month or so. She sounds like she may need an antidepressant as well. It is important to modify her anxiety BEFORE she makes the move. Sometimes with the right meds, you can keep them at home longer.
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