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I live 1000 miles away but have been staying with her. She doesn't want help but needs it. How do I get my Mom to accept in home help. I live 1000 miles away but have been staying with her. She doesnt want help but needs it. She is very stubborn. Has fallen and broken her pelvis. Has horrible arthritis so very much pain and trouble walking. She is a very strong willed person that is great, because she is not going to give in to the wheelchair etc. At this time she is still able (with great difficulty) to get around with a walker. She spent a month in rehab where she tried all the PT and Occupational Therapists patience. Is home now. . She wants to stay in her home, which I understand. I have been trying to have her go home with me, NO. So I have talked to a help agency here, which would do her shopping, and take her to Dr. Appointments etc. It sounds perfect for my situation. I still own a business and need to get back home. She doesnt want anyone other than me to do her shopping. She will not wear a help device either. These seem like such small sacrifices to stay at home. I am so afraid she will fall again. I dont want to be a bully, and I dont want to send her to an assisted living place that she doesnt want, but I need to talk her into doing the basics, like allowing these people to help her do the things that have to be done between my visits. And have a med alert system. Just at my wits end. She is still capable of the bathing, laundry etc. She just cant walk to do shopping etc. And no driving.



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Thank you all. This is so comforting. I never realized other people may have the same problem. I do understand that she is afraid of losing independence, but I also know we have to do something. Thank you again. freqflyer, I think my Mom is yours also...... I say one store only, pick which you want most.
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You won't get your mom to agree. You are going to mark the date you're leaving, as CM suggested. You are going to leave the numbers of several agencies near the phone.

When she calls to say she's fallen, call 911 (make sure you know how to contact 911 in HER area from yours) and let the professionals take over. She'll never agree. Just drop it.
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basketcasenra, I've been down that road with my parents, mainly it was my Mom who was the most stubborn. In her case, she was in denial that she and my Dad were getting older.... good grief, my parents were in their 90's and refused any outside help and wouldn't even consider a wonderful Independent Living facility just down the street, no way, nada, never.

Many of us have parent(s) like that, thus you will read on the forums about us caregivers owning helmets.... to wear while banging our head against the wall.

I tried caregivers but my Mom shooed them out after the 3rd day. My parents stock answer was "we will manage".... [sigh]. My problem was I was "enabling" my parents to continue living on their own. Every time they called, I would run over to their house. Every week I got them groceries but only at one grocery store [narrowed down from 3x a week because one grocery store would have beets on sale, and another one would have ice cream on sale].

So my suggestion to you, since your Mom feels she can manage on her own, is to pack and head back home. Yes, you will panic every time the phone rings and you see Mom's caller ID.... and yes, there will be a ton of guilt. Not easy. Like others above have said, usually it will take a major crises to make our parent(s) change their mind, and sometimes more than just one crises.

Please keep coming back to the forum and let us know how it is going.
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Call the agency you like the sound of. Arrange for their representative to visit you at your mother's home. Discuss your concerns and your mother's routine, her preferences, her independence, what she needs help with, and so on.

You will note the clever part of this plan: you do not need your mother's permission. The agency is calling to meet with you; they will be talking to you. Your mother's interest and participation would of course be very welcome, but you don't have to wait for her to give it the go-ahead.

Assuming these people are as good as you've heard, and assuming they respond well to your description of your mother's needs, you then explain to your mother:

how to contact them
when to contact them
what sort of thing she can call on them for.

You leave their telephone number on speed dial on her phone. You leave their brochure where she can find it easily. You go home.

Your mother is a consenting adult. It is up to her to call on this service if she wants it. If you wait for her to agree, you will wait forever - not least because, as things are, you are waiting for her to back down. I am guessing that she would literally rather die. So give her the information, make sure it's reliable, go home.
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When I first came to this forum and responded to questions like yours, I tried to suggest ways to convince the parent to accept the adult child's help, to work out a compromise even when the parent was being stubborn. Now I realize that in many cases it's a futile effort.

This is a mental tug of war, with Mom hold the winning hand because she's your mother, she's older and she needs help. The winning hand has one card you don't have: it's the Mother Card.

But this situation is a two-way street, there are 2 of you in it, and a balance needs to be achieved rather than allowing one to dominate. It's a situation which requires her to make some compromises.

Right now she's putting you in an unworkable, uncompromising, and not even practical position. You'll need to bring the balance back to an equal one or this type of manipulating you into compliance will lay the foundation for the future.

You can either explain to her, write a note to her in a card if she won't listen, or find some other means of communicating that (a) you have a job and can't stay there to help, so (b) either she accepts help or (c) she'll be alone, taking her chances.

She'll try to manipulate you and make you feel guilty for leaving. Don't allow that to happen.

You'll feel even guiltier and experience more regret if you allow this off balance relationship to be created. As CM suggests, let her know when you'll be leaving and do it.

When she calls you when you arrive home and complains, re-emphasize the choices she has, but not one of them includes your giving up your home and job to go to her house and take care of her.

I know it's easy for me to write this and difficult for you as you're in this emotional situation, but take some time to search this site and read posts of others in similar situations, stressed out, emotionally fraught, frustrated caregivers who are still trying to balance the demands of a parent while trying to maintain their own identity and life.

In some ways it's like training a puppy or a child; you need to stand your ground. The fact that she's your parent doesn't change that.
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Here's the thing I got into with my Mom. She doesn't mind at all if I spend a week or two working my ass off waiting on them hand and foot, but strangers in the house? NO WAY...THATS DIFFERENT!

You could try and schedule some help over her objections. All she could do is send them packing. If so, you're like me, waiting for the next big mess where there will be no choice for her.
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Our business is a nursery, so hubby is gearing up for the season without me. I could go home today, and still be behind. She keeps telling me to go, I try to tell her I cannot unless you agree to these helpers. YUK
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She keeps saying she is just fine, but she can not do much on her own. Cook (micro) and laundry and bathing is ok, but with me right there. Scary. Yes, it would be hell at home. Hubby would go nuts....
I could not just leave her here. I have to have someone to look in on her. This agency sounds so wonderful, with all the things I really need to feel comfortable leaving. Just need her to agree.
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When are you planning to leave your mother's house and go home?

Get out the calendar. Mark the date. Ask your mother what she plans to do after that. What do you think she will say?
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Myself as well as several others on this forum could have written this post. Welcome to the pullyourfrigginhairout club. I'm 600 miles from my folks. Ain't no one else but me.

There really are no easy solutions. With dementia you can use a little trickery sometimes but elders who are competent can't be forced to do much for their own welfare. I tried to get an assistance company going for my folks using the JUST IN CASE YOU EVER NEED HELP argument. We had some nice visits and Mom said we will call if we need you............But at least I've got these folks on deck.

I, and many others, are doing all we can for our folks, all they will allow, and waiting for the next event/crisis that may force the issue of in home help or moving out of the house.

And BTW, mom going home with you? Think that through very very carefully. Explore this forum to see others experiences with caring for elders in their homes. It's super tough.
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Bring the agency in while you are still there. Let her get familiar with her aide, you can help get some dialogue going. Offer her no choice in the matter. Pursue guardianship if you have to.
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