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I've been taking care of her for almost 2 years now in my home and she's getting worse. She has MS and mental illness issues (hearing voices, paranoia, not able to care for herself). She is mostly wheelchair bound but is able to bathe herself. But that is all she can do in terms of independence. Since this not a situation where she is living in her own home, everything is in my name (lease, bills, etc). What is the best way to approach getting her into a nursing home? She's extremely combative, difficult and does not know what is best for her. I'm her only family willing to take care of her at this point. Multiple times it's been suggested that I have a home health aide come in to help, but that is not the situation I want. My mom is verbally abusive, unappreciative and I'm only 31 years old taking care of her full time. I don't want her living in my home anymore. She cannot handle living alone and any family I have refuses to help because of how angry and difficult she can be. What can I do to get her into a facility if she gets very angry and refuses? She will make a huge fuss and the facility might not want to take her against her will. I'm so worried because her condition is getting worse and she needs so much care, mental and physical.

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This sounds so hard and I'm so sorry for your dilemma. Maybe a hospitalization situation will present itself (like AlvaDeer suggested).

Do you or your mom have the finances to get weekend help so you can keep your sanity? In-home caregiving services (like Visiting Angels) are usually people with experience, so your mom's verbal abuse shouldn't be anything they can't handle or haven't seen before. This is just temporary until you are able to place her somewhere permanently.

If you are not her PoA and your mom won't give it to you or anyone, your only other option (besides the hospital thing) is to allow her to become a ward of the state. You will need to talk to social services about this. You could pursue guardianship yourself, but i'm not sure if you want that.

You can call the state's area council on aging to see what they can recommend or someone to give you guidance. Or contact social services to see if they can give you realistic suggestions. Has your mom ever been to a psychiatrist? Not sure if SS can do this in home but it may get your mom on their radar.

Your mom lives in your home, which is her only residence so, If you don't have her PoA, in order to get her out legally (other than the hospitalization thing) you will technically have to go through an eviction process. Not sure what NY state laws are but this usually takes 30 days after you get the legal docs and post the notice. At that point she can be forcibly removed by police (but not sure they will be willing to do this because of her condition).

Hopefully some of this info will be useful to you. I'm wondering if she can be hospitalized if her paranoia gets bad enough. So sorry for you and your family. Hang it there!
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onetiredlady Oct 1, 2019
Thank you! I tried guardianship a few years ago but I think because I was in my 20s and my mom was against it, the judge didn't take me seriously. Even though the doctor has assessed that she's incapacitated. That was VA, maybe NY will be better, but you're right that I'm not sure I want that because she is so difficult and combative. If she wasn't that way, it would be a lot easier for me to assume that role. A lot of people on here seem to recommend hospitalization and I'm thinking it's maybe my only option. Thank you so much for your input!
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Quite honestly, about the only way to get her into care is to REFUSE to do the care yourself. That would mean a hospitalization for Mom, from which she moves into care. You would have to make it very clear to Social Workers on day one of admission that she cannot return to your home and that there are not other options. They are masters at working fast when they must, but be aware they will do all they can to make you take her home, including such things as "We will get you help; we can make this work together". A) they won't get you help and B) they cannot make it work, so don't go there. Stick to "She cannot return to my home". You will have to tell them that you cannot do the care now either mentally or physically. No arguing. Just keep repeating she cannot come home.
As to how this magical hospital admission will happen, often enough it is necessary to call EMS.
Facilities such as the one that will care for your Mom are quite used to dealing with all this. The very unfortunate thing you should know going in is that the WAY they most often deal with it is drugs.
You may want now to start by a visit to her Doctor in which you inform him that you cannot mentally or physically go on caring for Mom, and ask him his advice. It is not a place likely to give you an answer, but it is a place to start.
I am so sorry for you both having to go through this. I hope you'll update us if you have time, and if you find something that works at least somewhat. There will be no magic solution here that can be filed under "good".
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onetiredlady Oct 1, 2019
Thank you so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. It's difficult when it feels cruel to think in these terms, but it's also cruel to continue the situation the way it is. I took her to the hospital when she fell in the bathroom, but because she wasn't hurt, she was released and they never got her an overnight room. When you say hospital, do you mean mental hospital? I've spoken to some of the mental health crisis people who say that they can't help with housing and that they'll return her to her previous address no matter what, even after hospitalization. They have a lot of volunteers working there, so they're not experts. So I will definitely see if I can find more experienced and serious workers to talk to. Thank you!
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Is she mentally competent? Of is a POA in effect where someone, I would assume you, is legally responsible for making her decisions?

I'm not sure of the process. I would call an elder care attorney for advice. Call/visit a nursing home and get their input too. Start making arrangements to have her removed from your home. I would not discuss this with her until you have some answers and some plans in place. She will only be more difficult than usual, I think.

Probably also call her doctor to get her in for a complete evaluation, with them knowing in advance that you are trying to determine is she is competent to handle her own affairs. If so, maybe you can have her moved into a facility for elderly and disabled people. But I do not think this is the proper placement.
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