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My 90 year old father is unable to live alone. I live in a different state and he had previously agreed to move down to live w me, and I bought plane tickets for oct 1. Today he has stated he "isn't going anywhere" he's going to sell his house and move back to the country he was born in. I tried to suggest we go see if he likes winter w me then he can come back. He refused and I dropped it.

He has dementia, delusions, hallucinations, gets extremely anxious around money, won't pay for anyone to come in and help--I'm free and he regularly tells me he doesn't need me and to pack up and go. He is on an anti psychotic to control the rages. He is steadily losing weight, won't eat much, I give him ensure to make sure he gets some calories, and his meds daily- he doesn't take them by himself, the house was a pig sty when I got here 5 months ago, with hardened feces on the floor. He won't shower but once a week, stays in same clothes for days. I can't continue to stay here for the rest of his life--his brother lived to be 94 and an aunt to 107. I have two care facilities where I live that will take him. How do I get him to my home state?

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We were told that within 8hrs of her arriving at the facility that she would need to be evaluated by one nurse that was on a 9-5 M-F schedule!!!!Arg!!
Our kinda workaround was to do a Skype the day B4 we traveled. The facility is new to memory care though the parent company has "years of experience"
My mom could never have waited a few days somewhere, definitely not with us, she needs to much care.
I have found that in dealing with care facilities, while one can be asking the right question, they may be asking the wrong person.
Helpful people sometimes think their answer may be correct, but do not know.
Keep asking.
Good luck, its tough out there
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As you can tell there is no one solution that fits all, unfortunately. The plane worked for us.
From central Texas to E, Oregon. It was a full day that exhausted us all & she freaked out at the facility once we tired to get her out of the car.
She is considered a high functioning mid-stage dementia patient w/overall good health.
She is generally a positive person & that has helped us tremendously.
It took about 3 months over 2 trips to get everything set up & things like hiring a driver to the airport & NOT being in a rush.
travel always seems to instill to hurry, got some advice to just do everything to stay calm, cause there will be tests along the way. That advice really helped.
Driving was out of the question for us. We are in our60's & though we have pretty good health, driving long distnaces is out. So the choice was move her by plane or leave her in assisted living where she was getting ok care but not what she deserved.
Good Luck, stay calm. Don't second guess your decisions, your doing what your think is best with information you have.
That's all one can ask of themselves.
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move not more
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When my friend had to more her mom, she did have to bring her home for a few days until they found another facility that would take her.
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gladimhere makes a good point. Considering how difficult your father has been, it would be wise to plan for a second (and even third) option for a facility for him. That way, if they are unable to handle him where he is now, you can just 'work the plan' instead of having to deal with finding something in a hurry.
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RockHard-
I'm happy for you that he was able to make the flight. Hope things settle down for him in the new place and they are able to keep him there. A friend just placed her mom in one of these residential homes, the first one did not work as she was making other residents uncomfortable. She was going through everyone's rooms and things. She needed a higher level of care than the first home provided, so they moved her again during the first week. I don't know how the second home is working yet. Finding the right place, is unfortunately, trial and error.

Best of wishes to you, keep us posted.
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Thank-you all for comments and suggestions and your kind thoughts.

The flight was Tuesday and on Monday he became extremely uncooperative and hostile. I felt I had no choice so I started packing my things to leave. After watching me clean out the car and start gathering my belongings for several hours he came to me and said "You are leaving." I said yes and he replied that he didn't want me to go. I told him he had two choices and he was free to make whichever choice he wanted. Either he got on the plane with me or he could stay here by himself and i would leave. He tried bargaining, deals, changing the terms, setting time limits, delays and I calmly and firmly repeated the two choices. Tuesday morning he said he couldn't go because he didn't feel good, and I said fine, that's your choice but the deal was get on the plane or I leave. Right up until we boarded I thought he would balk and back out but he didn't. He started to get restless towards the end of the 3 hr flight and the stewardess helped me with some extra snacks which kept him occupied. As we landed I suggested, if he wanted, we would go to his favorite buffet for dinner and we landed and he was good for the rest of the evening. For the first time in months he ate a huge plate of food--from the buffet.

the next hurdle was getting him to the "home". It's a house with 5 rooms and they have one client per room with 24x7 carer for all of them. He didn't want to go and after long explanations but with discussion about my having to travel he finally did go. He has been in there for 4 days now and is very angry with me and whining about being a prisoner, but there is really no other choice. He couldn't live alone any more and I simply can't take living with him like it's been the last 5 months. I have a rash all over my body, haven't been able to sleep for weeks, and tightness in my chest when I deal with him.

I am back in his home packing it up and hopefully the rent from it will pay for the home he is in and I won't have to move him to an institution. It just goes to prove that he doesn't know what he wants. He finally admitted he can't live alone and he needs help. He was still talking about going back to the old country (he barely made the 3 hr flight to my home let alone a 12 hr flight overseas), and the last time he went overseas I got a call from the American embassy saying he was refusing to get on the airplane back to the US because he thought "they" were trying to kill him.

Guardianship courts give the elder a say in who the guardian is. If the elder doesn't want the relative, the court appoints a guardian and financial guardian (here anyway) and they put the elder in an institution and appoint someone in the institution as guardian and another person as financial guardian to pay for the institution. They put a lien on the assets to pay for the institution. As difficult and spiteful as he is I don't wish an institution on him, but that is now up to him as if he won't make the "home" work, there is no alternative but a psych unit.

The people running the home say it takes about a month for them to settle in and minimal contact with family is better until they do. Now the job is cleaning out his home and renting it. I'll try to sell what I can, donate the rest to charity and hope he settles in and finds the peace in his final years that he has never been able to find before.
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The flight is today, did you get him on a plane? Have you changed plans? How did it go?
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Guardianship does not seize his assets, it just appoints someone to protect the person and/or property. I am guardian to my sister, nobody seized anything, they just want annual reports of how it is being managed.
Again, I caution against putting him on an airplane for his safety and for the safety of the passengers and crew. If he has an outburst, he will be thrown to the floor and shackled. It won't be pretty.
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I would place a call to the Area Agency on Aging to see if they have any ideas. Maybe there is a option for private transport, I have no idea, or a business that would send a nurse to monitor any medication you may give. I would not put my mom on a plane just because of the unpredictability of her behavior which is not aggressive the majority of the time.
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My hear aches for you. We recently went through the same thing w my 88 y/o MIL. She lived in filth, hadn't bathed in over 10 yrs., would not allow anyone to help. Hoarder of everything. She fell, EMTs took her to the hospital, reported to Social services the condition of her home. She's been in NH/AL place now for months. Hates it. It is a beautiful place w/gentle staff. She continues to lose wt. the best thing would be for your dad to fall, and HAVE TO go to the hospital. There docs and Social Srvs. would send him to "rehab" (NH). Are there no other siblings to help? You will be in my daily prayers. Hugs n prayers
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Thank you for the suggestions but its a full 3 day drive. I don't have anyone to go with me and with his short attention span and high impulsivity a 3 day drive whether in car or RV is not possible.

I will contact the dr about a sedative, thanks, that is a good idea.

Someone told me that TSA moves elderly to front of the line and if I can get him to airport, I will do that. I've already told the airline he will have a cane and needs a wheelchair.

If he won't go, I'm at the end of my rope. I will pack up and drive home. I agree death is just a part of life, but I feel I have to do everything possible before I give up and leave him. He has become more hostile the last two days and more fixated on money and sure i am trying to steal his money and house. neighbors are coming out of the woodwork offering to buy his house which i was going to rent to pay for the nursing home. he is fixated on selling it so he can have the money "to spend". Guardianship is not an answer. It is a months long process and the elder has the option of saying who the guardian will be. If he rejects me the court will appoint one, seize the house and assets and put him in a home. A court case declaring him incompetent is his worst nightmare. I can't put him through that, and it takes months. I don't have anywhere to stay during a court case and I have to get back to my home check on my house, take care of my affairs, and before I lose my job.

I'm beyond what I can continue doing, this is the last option. If the airplane doesn't work, I walk away. I read somewhere that a large percentage of seniors die within 6 mo of serious weight loss. 2 years ago he was170. When I got here in April he was147. Monday he weighed 138. He had a brother that lived to 94 and a great aunt to 107.
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Some great replies here. Please do not make this trip alone. Do you know of any nurse that could make the trip with you? I agree with the posters that strongly advised AGAINST air travel. Especially now with TSA pat downs! As a retired psych nurse, a pat down could unglue a psychotic patient, especially with all the other issues with your dad. Getting "into his world" as someone wisely suggested is the way to go. Delusions at any age cannot be reasoned away. I will keep you in my prayers, and please keep us posted as to what the outcome will be. Hugs!
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Just two minor things: Carnation Instant Breakfast tastes way way better than Ensure. Also, you could try No-Rinse Body Wash instead of baths or showers although, as an excellent nurse practitioner once noted: nobody ever died from not bathing!
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If he is psychotic you do not need him to even be living with you.
Make arrangements for him to live in some supervised care.
Or else we may well be reading your obituary.
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I agree with the couple of posters who suggested entering his fantasy of returning to the old country. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Also, and this may sound harsh, I wonder what the point is of trying to get him to drink Ensure or even to shower often. As a friend of mine once put it bluntly, it sounds like Dad has "lived past his expiration date." Let nature take over and let him enjoy the process as much as possible. A washcloth is all that's needed to maintain a reasonable level of hygiene and he'll eat if he wants to. If he doesn't, let him be. I know there are many others who feel differently, but my opinion is that dying isn't a disease it's a natural process and attempting to stop it only causes suffering and in some cases is just plain torture.
"Lean in" is a popular expression these days and I find it helps me to remind myself to do that with my Dad. Instead of pushing back or pulling in a direction that I want him to go, things tend to go better if I just see things how he is seeing them (as best as I can) and go with it.
p.s. If you do decide to drive, do as JennyM suggests and put him in the back seat, passenger side. I'd add the precaution of putting some duct tape over the seat belt connection, just enough to give yourself time to pull over in the event that he starts to try to unbuckle and reach over the seat or get out of the car.
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When hubby is really sick and I have to transport him, I put him in the back seat with pillows and blanket. Kid locks work in back seat. He tried to open car door on the interstate and luckily the seat belt held him in until I could pull off on the median and put him in back seat. Thank goodness he didn't struggle or try to run for it on the side of the highway!
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the Train! if it runs from his state to yours, I took my 82 yr old husband on a plane, plane itself was not the problem, TSA pat down almost got us both arrested - airport was deffinately the worst part

I go along with Ann1958 in stepping into his world and agreeing going back to his country is the best idea, then work out your transportation as he will not know the difference once you get to your home state, but however you do it take a third person with you, I'm so afraid of him opening the front door of the car while I'm driving, kid locks only work for the back doors. Good Luck
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if it is drivable i would do this then take it to court and get gurarianship over him, will keep you in my prayers
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I like the ideas the others have written. How many states would you have to drive through? Definitely get someone to come with you. Also, the idea of getting him on a tranquiler for the trip is really good. Instead of fighting with him, could you tell him you're going to drive him to the country he was born in? I have no idea where he's at with the dementia, but sometimes this works wonders. Saying something like, "Dad, we're going to start on that trip you wanted to take, and I'm going to drive with you" might keep him calm. My Dad drove across the country with my mother when she had Alzheimer's. My brother went on the trip with them to help out, and it all went just fine. It was a lot of work, but she accepted it and remained calm.
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OMG NO do NOT put him on an airplane. Besides his behavior, the variation in cabin pressure can be very bad for him, make him permanently worse. Nor can he be alone anymore, get him into a secure memory care facility ASAP. Moving him in with you will burn you up in a month.
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This question was posed on another thread and it was suggested that they rent an RV and transport the elderly person that way. Your dad could sleep (I'd get him some kind of sedative to basically knock him out for the trip) and you could have him lying down. I wouldn't try a plane in a million years either - he might wind up being arrested for disturbing the airline personnel and you wouldn't want that. He needs to go by car or maybe even train, if you could research that. But the RV idea (with someone else along with you) is the best idea I've heard.
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Wow! There's no way in the world I would even consider putting my Dad on an airplane. With his AD he is would be much too agitated for me to handle, for other passengers, for the airplane personnel, etc. (Unless he was totally knocked out and I wouldn't want to do that either). I agree with the prior poster -- moving him by car would be much more feasible. At least you'd be able to make stops along the way (how far away do you live from each other?). Kind of hard to do that in an airplane...
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Yikes! Have you talked to his doctor about this -- the one who prescribed the anti psychotic? Is there a one-time drug that would calm him/sedate him enough to get through this trip?

Would a car trip be more feasible? Is there someone else who could ride with you? (I wouldn't do it alone.)

I wish you success!
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