I moved back to the folks house after my narc father died to help my narc mother. But lately she has taken to having a half or less than half a glass of sherry or red wine at night. She becomes more narcissistic and has taken to swiping at me and stating she'd like to. I am used to the narc behavior growing up with it. I am older, tired and am weaker than my mother in the grabbing and hitting. How do I get her to stop? I don't have anyone to ask or help. they just agree with her as its not every day, and not a full glass.
You can’t stop her .
Your mother is going to behave abusively towards you as long as you're living in her house. Often with elders when a younger adult be it their child, grand child, or even caregiver move into their home it becomes open season on treating this person any way they want. You have to get away from her, but the first step is get her to her doctor. She should get some dementia testing done. Then plan from there. She may need to go into assisted living. More importantly, you need to make a different living arrangement. Living with her is not working.
OP needs to move and let the mother fail . Let the chips fall where they may and OP can call APS , County Area Agency of Aging .
OP can also call 911 when the mother is being physically abusive or threatening .
We don't change others. We are not in charge of whether others drink or not. I don't quite honestly see the connection between the drinking and the narcissism. I would, were I you, and the drinking was of a concern, attend Al-Anon. While a few drinks a night doesn't indicate alcoholism, the fact that you feel there's a connection is best addressed by the experts! You will get great support and make solid friendships at Al-Anon, and you will fully understand that the person in charge of how much or when another has a drink, is ALWAYS that person himself or herself.
Best of luck.
Quit trying to control her “for her sake” to make your life better.
You just don't get it do you? I say it all the time that no one has to live with abuse regardless if the cause for it is dementia-related or not.
The OP is not trying to 'control' her mother. She's looking for ways to minimize the abuse she suffers from her mother.
An adult child finds themselves between a rock and a hard place and moves back in with an elderly parent. It seems like a win-win for everyone in theory. The adult child needs a place to live and the parent needs some help. Sounds like a good plan, right? It usually isn't. The senior parent then knows that person is at their mercy and they can treat them any way they want. Often this gets pulled on paid caregivers too. Only with paid caregivers we can tell a person to shove it and leave. This can't happen if you're living in the person's house.
The OP is not wrong because she needs a place to live. No one deserves to be living in abuse.
Rule #2: Don't have relationships with alcoholics. They are miserable to be around.
Rule #3: Pay attention to the preceding rules.
Your dysfunctional relationship with your narcissistic mother is a problem!
Why on earth did you move in with her? You may have forgotten how bad her behavior was.
How do you get her to stop? Stop grabbing and hitting? Short of tying her arms down, you can not. You can remove yourself from this toxic situation.
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