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I am taking care of my fiancé’s grandmother with dementia. She wears the same clothes everyday and goes for weeks without bathing or washing her hair. When she actually does “bathe” she washes her hair in the sink or wipes off her arms with a baby wipe. Her skin is turning brown and the odor is indescribable. She has violent tendencies and whenever I mention her bath time she says she already got one within a day or so OR she lashes out and throws something. As her caregiver I am trying to take care of her but of course “she doesn’t need help” because “nothing is wrong with her.” I feel as though her children are noticing she is not clean and will turn to me asking why... I’m not sure what to do because she has not taken an actual bath or shower in YEARS and I have only been taking care of her for a few weeks. Welcome to advice on how to handle speaking to her when she doesn’t listen and hasn’t ever listened to me even when she was in good health.

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It’s difficult to care for a person who has dementia when they resist care. Often, you have to try different things. Sometimes a bath aid has more success. Some people bribe their LO to bathe and then they’ll give them a favorite snack or go for a drive. Other times, care is not possible in the home and placement is required. I’d consider how this will work as she progresses. You might read about what to expect. The care becomes a greater task and she may continue to resist care. I would likely inform your fiancé that it’s not working out and why.
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As for getting out... It looks like you don’t want out. You only want advice about caretaking when you not the one to be caring for her. Guess this version of hell
is better than the unknown?

We’ve offered wisdom and advice, and you’ve disregarded all of it.
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Sounds like you've bitten off more than you can chew. How in the world did you end up having to take care of your fiance's grandmother with dementia? Where's her children, and why aren't they helping? With her having dementia, things are only going to get worse you know, and it will definitely put a strain on you and your fiance's relationship. You should be putting your fiance and your son first, as they will be the ones to suffer, while you try to please a woman that really doesn't want your help anyway. It sounds like a no win situation. And if the family questions you about why she hasn't bathed, you tell them the truth and see if they have any better luck getting her to bathe. I'll put money on the fact that they won't be able to get her to either. There's no easy answer here, but if it were me, I would take my son and leave. Good Luck!!! You're going to need it.
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This is not a good spot to be in. You are engaged and have a son and moved in with his grandmother. Oh, no!! This is not a spot you want to be in AT ALL!!! The next thing you know you will be married and taking care of his grandmother for YEARS to come. Don't do it!! Find another place to live. Tell your fiance that you don't want to take care of her and that other family members can do it or Grandma can go into a facility. Dementia is only going to get worse!! If your fiance won't leave Grandma's house, then you and your son leave. You didn't sign up for this. You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you!! Grandma could easily live past 100 years old. Medicines keep people alive longer and longer. Get out of that situation, NOW!!!
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