Ddaughter is 64 lost eye sight 3 yrs ago.Been on oxygen least 8yrs started number 4 now on number 6..all can do for herself go bathroom and go to her bedroom.also feed herself mostly with fingers.
If you are unable to care for your daughter any longer, then you must place her. There is no shame or failure in such a thing, either. You can visit often, think of it that way. Hugs out to you.
I answered your original question but it seems to have been removed -
As much as we love those we care for sometimes love isn't enough, we often tell people on the forum they must "put on their own oxygen mask first" because if they neglect their own needs and health they may not be there to help at all. Finding an appropriate facility doesn't mean you are abandoning her it just means you need the help of many other hands, you can be her loving parent and advocate without also being her caregiver,
When my mother lived in a nursing home, I was initially surprised to meet a number of younger residents, including some in their 30’s and 40’s. They simply had overwhelming medical conditions that made living in a home environment too difficult. They’d made peace with managed care, had highly decorated rooms, and busied themselves even more than the older residents. Your daughter has to understand that her care needs are too much for you now. Even if she doesn’t understand, it’s still true. This is nothing for you to feel guilty over, just a natural progression in life. Make the change for you both
If your daughter is 64, then you are probably in your eighties. You should be making plans to have your daughter taken care of when you are no longer around anyway. Putting her in AL right now is the best thing to do.
I love that you are bringing a different perspective to the forum.
There are so many posts about children caring for parents. This is equally as important for you as a parent.
I personally know parents who don’t want to address issues of their children taking advantage of them.
They have raised their children and now those kids expect them to watch their grandchildren for them to work a forty hour week. I think they should speak up and tell them that they need to place their children in daycare. Their parents deserve to enjoy their retirement. Babysitting occasionally is fine but it is a burden when it is on a full time basis.
I think that it’s hard for some parents to turn down their children. They fear that their children won’t love them anymore. Parents reach an age where they are not able to help any longer and children need to accept this and not hold it against their parents.
Please don’t feel guilty about looking into placement for your daughter. You will be relieved knowing that someone is there for her long after you die. You can visit your daughter and oversee her care as long as you are able to.
It sounds from your post that you are providing and preparing the food that your daughter feeds herself with her fingers, keeping her bedding in order, and also organising her oxygen for her lung disease. Daughter is happy with this set-up and permanent maid service from you, you are not happy at all.
The way to change this is to be clear that you cannot continue to do it, call APS, and make someone else be the decision maker. You do NOT have to do what you are told to do by your daughter (or indeed by APS or anyone else). To make it happen, you MUST stop the maid service.
Where was she before you started caregiving her 4 years ago? She had vision problems when she was 60. Your profile says she has lung issues, why she's been on oxygen 8 years, since she was 56?
How did she end up moving in with you, who are too old to be her servant? Of course you are exhausted, and she is fighting you and doesn't want to leave?
She has to face reality. You are 82 and worn out! What are her plans once you are gone? She's going to get placed anyway, and won't have a choice. She should have been in a facility with medical professionals from the beginning, to help her adjust to her medical conditions.
Don't feel guilty WHATSOEVER. You have gone beyond the call for 4 years! Not your fault she had her health go bad in her 50s. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it. It's time to set her up somewhere now, since who will help her when you are gone?
She cannot dictate your life, she can't force you to continue caregiving her. You may need to see an Elder lawyer to help set this transition up. This is a common sense solution to a difficult situation.
AL is not prison, she will be kept clean and safe, be helped by professionals, meals prepared, and more. You didn't cause this. You shouldn't bear this burden any longer. The stress you have endured is beyond words. Call a family lawyer now!
Don't try to reason with someone who is being selfish and unreasonable. Get help to make arrangements, then tell her the plan. It is the right thing to do for you both. I wish you luck and peace.
Snickers: I have been looking at your responses to us. I am uncertain if it is a "keyboard problem" or not, but your answers to us are almost incoherent. We--you and I--are of an age; I am 81 and you 82. I can tell you right now that I am in no shape to be in charge of the total care of my 62 year old daughter (nor do I want her EVER to assume care of me). It would likely kill me off pretty quick, and that's what I am worried about for YOU. At that point your daughter WILL BE in care, and without her lovely Mom to visit her.
It is time for you to schedule a visit to your own doctor to let him know exactly what care is being expected of you now, and exactly how you are caving under it. I agree with Way, you need a social worker's intervention and help in placing your daughter in care for her OWN SAKE and for yours as well.
I cannot even imagine how awful this is, but you are both very much at risk. Were you somewhere such as a Village situation, where you could live together both getting some support, this you are attempting could be doable with support. But I am not seeing any support there for you now. You say you need to be OK with placing her. NO YOU DON'T. You can scream, yell, weep, pound the counters, and be anything BUT OK; however there's no real choice here. Happiness is off the table. You are amidst a tragedy. And it must be handled.
Despite your daughter's younger age, could your Area of Aging assist with a needs assessment? Or maybe through a Vision Organisation or other Disability Service? I think obtainkng a Social Worker could benefit you both. A service to look at your daughter's needs & research all the care options available to her. Maybe a group house for other people her age with disabilities would be a netter fit?
Snickers, if she's living in your house, you have leverage to force her to move out. You can legally evict her. Then she'llhave to work with a social worker for housing. Does she have full mental capacity? Does she have any cognitive problems in the past or recently developed? This matters in your situation and this discussion.
Best of luck.
As much as we love those we care for sometimes love isn't enough, we often tell people on the forum they must "put on their own oxygen mask first" because if they neglect their own needs and health they may not be there to help at all. Finding an appropriate facility doesn't mean you are abandoning her it just means you need the help of many other hands, you can be her loving parent and advocate without also being her caregiver,
Example, at the facility a few residents are ready for meals way before time lol
There are so many posts about children caring for parents. This is equally as important for you as a parent.
I personally know parents who don’t want to address issues of their children taking advantage of them.
They have raised their children and now those kids expect them to watch their grandchildren for them to work a forty hour week. I think they should speak up and tell them that they need to place their children in daycare. Their parents deserve to enjoy their retirement. Babysitting occasionally is fine but it is a burden when it is on a full time basis.
I think that it’s hard for some parents to turn down their children. They fear that their children won’t love them anymore. Parents reach an age where they are not able to help any longer and children need to accept this and not hold it against their parents.
Please don’t feel guilty about looking into placement for your daughter. You will be relieved knowing that someone is there for her long after you die. You can visit your daughter and oversee her care as long as you are able to.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best.
The way to change this is to be clear that you cannot continue to do it, call APS, and make someone else be the decision maker. You do NOT have to do what you are told to do by your daughter (or indeed by APS or anyone else). To make it happen, you MUST stop the maid service.
How did she end up moving in with you, who are too old to be her servant? Of course you are exhausted, and she is fighting you and doesn't want to leave?
She has to face reality. You are 82 and worn out! What are her plans once you are gone? She's going to get placed anyway, and won't have a choice. She should have been in a facility with medical professionals from the beginning, to help her adjust to her medical conditions.
Don't feel guilty WHATSOEVER. You have gone beyond the call for 4 years! Not your fault she had her health go bad in her 50s. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it. It's time to set her up somewhere now, since who will help her when you are gone?
She cannot dictate your life, she can't force you to continue caregiving her. You may need to see an Elder lawyer to help set this transition up. This is a common sense solution to a difficult situation.
AL is not prison, she will be kept clean and safe, be helped by professionals, meals prepared, and more. You didn't cause this. You shouldn't bear this burden any longer. The stress you have endured is beyond words. Call a family lawyer now!
Don't try to reason with someone who is being selfish and unreasonable. Get help to make arrangements, then tell her the plan. It is the right thing to do for you both.
I wish you luck and peace.
I have been looking at your responses to us.
I am uncertain if it is a "keyboard problem" or not, but your answers to us are almost incoherent.
We--you and I--are of an age; I am 81 and you 82. I can tell you right now that I am in no shape to be in charge of the total care of my 62 year old daughter (nor do I want her EVER to assume care of me). It would likely kill me off pretty quick, and that's what I am worried about for YOU. At that point your daughter WILL BE in care, and without her lovely Mom to visit her.
It is time for you to schedule a visit to your own doctor to let him know exactly what care is being expected of you now, and exactly how you are caving under it.
I agree with Way, you need a social worker's intervention and help in placing your daughter in care for her OWN SAKE and for yours as well.
I cannot even imagine how awful this is, but you are both very much at risk. Were you somewhere such as a Village situation, where you could live together both getting some support, this you are attempting could be doable with support. But I am not seeing any support there for you now. You say you need to be OK with placing her. NO YOU DON'T. You can scream, yell, weep, pound the counters, and be anything BUT OK; however there's no real choice here. Happiness is off the table. You are amidst a tragedy. And it must be handled.
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