My parents separated five years ago. My mom was convinced my dad was cheating. She didn’t have solid proof but said she felt it by his actions and how he was with her. I do believe he may have had an affair but don’t 100 percent know as there isn’t any full proof.
My mom ended up kicking my dad out of the house and taking ownership of the property. I allowed my dad to live with me and my wife as we felt sorry for him and now that has caused a lot of drama.
My dad is a pretty easy going person and my mom has always been the difficult one. My mom is 70 and has been unhappy most of her life and my dad has always been the reasonable one. My mom has always shown me more love, but this always came at a price.
My mom doesn’t get along with my wife, my sister, her son in law, she just gets along with me. My mom has been a good mom to me her whole life but she has always indicated that my life is her life, that she lives for me and that I need to make her happy. She wanted me to marry a person because “she got along with the girls mom and needed friends”
The last five years I have gone above and beyond doing everything in my power to try and make my mom go through the transition smoothly and it has come at my mental health. She is very thankful one day and then a week later she is very miserable and has demands of me.
Her demands are I can’t have my dad stay with me and that I have to pick between him and her. That she is dying and feels suicidal and the only way for her to get better is for my dad to suffer and me have no contact with him.
She has tried her best at times to get better with seeing a psychologist for a few months and trying to listen to YouTube mindfulness videos and exercise but it generally lasts quite short. I have tried to get her to take meds but she refuses. She is very stubborn and once she puts something in her head it’s impossible to change it.
i love my mom dearly and have done everything I can including covering her finances, driving her around, giving her 2-3 days out of my week to just be there for her, but we always go through new demands and how this is her life now and that she is going to die.
I’m at my wits end and am trying to set boundaries but go from feeling guilt, anger and then sadness. Any advise?
Mom isn’t going to change . You have to change how you react to your mother .
You need to go to therapy to stop letting your mother control you . You have no reason to feel guilty . Your mother chooses this life and you are allowing her to ruin yours . You are not responsible for her happiness . She’s trying to make you fill the void in her life that she created by kicking out her husband . Their marital and post marital issues are not your problem , especially 5 years after the marriage ended .
My mother was a miserable unhappy narcissist who used to threaten suicide to control me .
Next time Mom says she’s suicidal call 911. They will take her to the hospital . That may stop her trying that threat on you in the future .
That's the opposite of the definition of a good mother. That's the definition of a person with a personality disorder. That's a terrible human being. Sounds like maybe NPD. Good parents don't do this to their kids. Good parents don't guilt trip their kids. Good parents want their kids to be self sustaining and not owned by the parents. Time to read the book Boundaries, get therapy and put your foot down. You may have CPTSD. Watch Surviving Narcissism on Youtube. That helped me a lot. You may also need to go grey rock or cut ties completely. I would have hated that advice 10 years ago, but it was a life saver for me and my family. Your mom is manipulative and not a nice person. BTDT, and learned a lesson on how to protect myself and my family finally. Time to start grieving the childhood you never had and facing facts. Write down all the events you can remember from childhood where your mom put herself first or was cruel to you. When you feel guilty, reread them.
For me it's as simple as that.
Perhaps you might want to check out this Psychology Today article to see if it resonates:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder
Also, the widely available book Stop Walking on Eggshells has apparently been helpful for many people with family members with BPD.
People who are genuinely suicidal do not weaponize it. For her to weaponize such a threat against you, especially repeatedly, is just plain cruel.
Please get a therapist immediately, online if necessary, to help you through this transition that you need to make. Time to extricate yourself from your mother's enslavement of you.
Stop financing her. You say she took control of the property from your dad. So she has a home. If she needs to, she can use it to finance her life by selling it and downsizing or taking a heloc or whatever. She can also call the local Department of Aging and look into low-income senior housing, SNAP, and whatever other benefits are available to her. If she's smart enough to manipulate you in all these ways, she's smart enough to figure those out.
Stop driving her around. She can use uber or a taxi or the bus, or again, call the Dept. of Aging and find out what kind of transportation options they offer for seniors.
Stop giving her 2-3 days of every week. When she asks you to spend time with her, just say NO. Pleasantly and calmly, but firmly. Then hang up the phone. If she persists in calling, don't answer. If she leaves hysterical voice mails, delete them without listening.
I know all of this is far more easily said than done. But please understand this: without intending to, you are enabling your mother's negative choices. Have you ever watched My 600-lb. life? Nearly everyone on it has someone who loves them, but is killing them by bringing them the excess food. You are enabling your mother by indulging her hysteria. If she didn't have you feeling like you need to accommodate her disfunction, she would have to give up on the dramatics and find other ways to spend her time.
I wish you well in overcoming this lifetime of sabotage by her. Stay strong. You can do it.
Please see a therapist who will help you identify and defend healthy boundaries. The boundaries you choose are not for her to respect: she will be enraged at your boundaries and will continually and desperately keep battering your gates. The boundaries are for you to defend relentlessly. If you don't, you will stay dysfunctional. Maybe your wife will one day decide she's tired of being #2.
Always remember that you, your wife and your marriage is your #1 priority (and kids, if you have any). Your parents come after that. Get this priority engraved in your mind.
If she overruns your your boundaries it's not because she is stubborn, it's because you dropped them and she ran over the downed wall. You are not responsible for her happiness. You never were. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness, not your Dad's, either. And by the way: plan on informing him to move out. You've done enough enabling of both your parents. Your Dad has to put his big boy pants on and fledge. Your wife is very long-suffering. She deserves better.