My mother is 88 and over the last few years I’ve become increasingly concerned about changes in her behaviour and thinking. She has always been emotionally dramatic and prone to stirring conflict between family members, but recently things feel more confused and emotionally intense. A recent example is that she became convinced that something very serious had happened to my nephew involving a teacher. The story has changed several times over the months, with different timelines and details. She told multiple family members but did not directly tell the child’s parent. When the parent denied it, my mother became extremely distressed and angry, saying nobody understood how traumatic it had been for her and accusing me of betraying her by mentioning it.She also strongly links unrelated events together (for example believing someone stopped speaking to her because of this issue, even though the relationship problems existed long before). I’m finding it hard to know what is normal ageing, long-standing personality, traits, anxiety/loneliness, possible cognitive decline or something else Has anyone dealt with an elderly parent who becomes emotionally fixated on stories or beliefs like this? How did you handle it without constantly being pulled into circular and distressing conversations?
Ignore these stories and ask her doctor for calming meds if mom gets too agitated. Ativan worked well for my mother. She had vascular dementia brought on by strokes. Agree or nod your head and then change the subject. My mother would insist everyone "had it in for her" and were insulting her and all sorts of nonsense, but she believed it. Don't encourage her beliefs, especially if they're outrageous or harmful to someone's reputation. None of this behavior is "Normal aging" and mom needs to be tested for dementia with a mini cognition test. Then you'll know where she's at, dementia wise, and you'll be able to read up on strategies to cope.
Best of luck to you.
Examples: She fixates on how service people have somehow wronged her or might mess up in the future. She obsesses on and off about one of our relatives and also about the divorce of a local shop owner whom she was friendly with before she gave up driving.
Whatever the other reasons, I think her world has just gotten very small and so the issues that to you or me would seem trivial, to her become enormous.
Sometimes I listen patiently and just say “uh huh,” sometimes I change the subject, but when it gets really absurd I will challenge her on it and say I think she’s wrong or spinning out of control and freaking out for no reason. So far, that has all worked pretty well. But I realize it quite possibly will get worse.
It sounds like your mother is further down the line. I agree with Geaton that your goal has to be avoiding getting sucked in. What if you “gray rock” like say little to nothing in response? Ignore her? Leave?
"I am caring for my mother, living at home with age-related decline, arthritis, cancer, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, stroke, and vision problems."
Please take your Mother in for a proper wellness exam and request she get the basic cognitive test. Is your Mom is not on meds for depression, why not? She needs to be.
Your Mother seems to be having either delusions or confabulations, or both. They are part of dementia behavior (assuming she doesn't have a history of personality disorder or mental illness).
A delusion and a confabulation can both involve saying things that are not true, but they arise from very different brain processes.
A delusion is a fixed false belief that a person continues to believe even when presented with evidence otherwise.
A confabulation is when the brain fills in missing memory gaps with invented or distorted information — usually without any intention to lie.
Stop getting sucked into her conjured drama. You need to problem solve to extricate yourself from this situation and get proper, sustainable care for your Mother.
The way you stop getting pulled into pointless discussions is to either distract her with something visual and completely unrelated (like showing her an interesting picture on your phone and then continuing to discuss it) or redirection (you change the subject completely to something neutral. If she continues to pursue the pointless topic you continue to ignore it and eventually if necessary just walk away or walk out, and no explanation is necessary). When my 97-yr old Mom (who lives next door to me) starts circling the drain on negative or false topics I will pretend I'm getting an "important call" on my phone then walk right out of her house. I do this almost once a day at minimum.
You have a life outside of your Mother. Your priority is to live it for yourself so that you don't burn out. The bigger picture for you is to get out of being your Mom's live-in caregiver so you can thrive while you still can.