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holidays and dementia?
holidays and caregiving?

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BAH HUMBUG! Just want to get through it and be done with it. Fortunately my elderly parents are not big on the whole commercial mess that has become x mas so I don't have to do much.
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How you handle the holidays depends on your unique situation and expectations.
If the whole clan usually got together at your place and you think that is what you HAVE to do you will be in misery, if everyone is flexible you can plan get togethers around pot luck or take out meals and pick any day or time that works for you, or insist on short visits and forego the feast altogether.
I've gotten used to spending Christmas alone with my mom, its just another day.
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When mom was with me (she has since passed), we went out for holidays. I was way too tired to do holiday dinners.

Come to think of it, now that she's gone, we do the same thing.

No guilt either!
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When the holidays are near, I start to plan my donation to the community toy drive. A local networking group holds a Holiday lunch so I always make plans to go. By focusing on these events, fit helps get me through the season. There are so many things that need to be done (at this time of year) it makes sense to consider helping out.
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I double your BAH HUMBUG windy...

Soup bones for the dogs, Papa Murphy's take n bake (love at 425) for me...

I too was used to Christmas/Thanksgiving/hell pick a day, alone with my mother, now I'm just alone so, guess nothing new

Maybe one day life will be different...

Just do what makes you and your loved one happy, for now, that is all that matters.
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In the past I use to have the grocery store cook the whole dinner, refrigerate it, and I would pick it up to re-heat. It was still tiresome as I also had to get the house cleaned, dust off the good china, get holiday designed napkins, buy the wine, etc. Plus I was no Martha Stewart and even re-heating food was a challenge :P I was the one stressing and not enjoying the day at all.

This year my Mom is in a nursing home, and my Dad has Caregivers, I told the agency I need people for Thanksgiving Day even though it was time & a half. Dad's day time Caregiver asked if it was ok to take Dad to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving dinner as the place was offering discounts to seniors and she would take Dad at 4:00 p.m. Sounded great :) Whew, what a relief.

I use to plan Thanksgiving dinner for the Sunday before Thanksgiving as my sig other has always worked Thanksgiving as national security doesn't stop for the holidays. And I usually do volunteer work at the local regional hospital, and the cafeteria would give the employees and volunteers free Thanksgiving meals.

Even on the Sunday prior, I had to plan the meal around the darn football games, trying to get everything ready during half-time, tell that to the turkey. I got very little help, as my sig-other and both my parents were glued to the games. I don't do football.
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I guess I shouldn't be such a grinch. I do enjoy dinner with friends. Also, we quit gift giving years ago. Take the bucks we used to spend on crap no one really needs and now give it to some local charities. But don't think I can stand the news stories about people camping out in front of Walmart so they can be the first one in the door to get the $39, made in China TV set.
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With less enthusiasm than ever. But still, I try to minimize my "blech" when talking to others. The world will do just fine without a steady stream of The Truth According To Me. When I find myself veering toward grumpiness, I try to hone in on the individual elements that never let me down: fresh cranberries, pumpkin pie, pine scent, holiday displays and lights, giant public Christmas trees, access to yummy baked goods. I also make an extra effort not to be Scrooge-tastic at home with my dear partner. It's not his fault that I burned myself out working retail for decades and our relatives are so challenging. So I try to pick and choose my rants. (The upside is that he's no Pollyanna, either. Sooner or later, he'll pop out with some miserable thing that I was already thinking! Then we have a good laugh and get back to life as we know it.)
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Volunteer at a local soup kitchen.
Volunteer getting food baskets together.
Attend a holiday concert.
Order carolers for yourself.
Simplify as much as you need to.
Turn off the TV.
Don't go shopping.
Start a new tradition that makes you feel the JOY of the season.
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I agree freqtflyer, Windyridge, JeanetteB, NYDaughterinLaw, We used to go out for the holiday meal and get together, but dad's too frail and we feel bad leaving him
home. Take out and pot luck is still a lot of work for already exhausted caregivers like us. I'm organizing it on Friday because the college age grandkids are coming into town and I want to make a nice gathering for everyone. It is a lot of work.
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Well I am going to put up a Christmas tree - a real one
I am going to decorate it and put lights on it
I am going to wrap presents and place them under the tree
I am going to put Christmas decorations up everywhere
I am going to cook and bake and do all the wonderful things
I am going to go to the carol service
I am LYING
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Christmas is a time of celebrating the birth of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Why not make it special? Enjoy time in church, worshipping our Lord. Giving thanks at the Thanksgiving Service at a Bible believing church. All can help during this time of challenge. HE did not get caught by surprize that each caregiver was going to have a challenge so Thank HIM for what you do have. I didn't say it would be easy, just being with friends will hopefully encourage each of you and I. I love to tell the story of Jesus and HIS love.
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Not to put a damper on things Friesen but my mother and I don't share a religion - in fact i don't consider myself to have one - that said I love carols especially oh Holy night. I don't go to church and wont go into church with Mum although I do take her there or make sure someone else takes her (it's just not my thing and would be quite frankly hypocritical). It's my one and a half hours of freedom a week - sorry I cherish it as it is the one time I can get into Mums room to clean it thoroughly.

I think I am a good citizen, and underneath all the bitterness a good person inside and for me that is enough. I stand up for what is right. I don't tolerate fools, liars or bigots and I have a wonderful family. I can't ask for more.
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Jude, well written, and good points. The desire for religious freedoms that inspired people to emigrate to America, and well as fight for those freedoms in England and elsewhere, should be respected but not abused.

Not everyone needs religion, and that also needs to be respected.

I feel strongly that preaching religion shouldn't be a part of any nondenominational forum.
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Holidays are a time I feel like a very insignificant work horse. My mother has a strange fixation on the son that lives an hour away. He pays very little attention to her, and he and I are pretty much polite strangers. Each holiday season she takes hard control of what we're going to do to spend time with him. If I would rather do something else, she gets very angry, saying "He's your brother." So every holiday is miserable for me, trying to recreate a family that never existed, with a mother who is very angry. This year she is already angry that we're doing Thanksgiving on a Friday, because she took it to mean she wasn't important enough to him to merit Thursday. We'll spend that Friday afternoon with his church family on the other side, who are so different from me. And there are children. Lots and lots of children who aren't related to us in any way. Then Mom wants to go home 2 hours after we get there. She's mad because my brother and SIL didn't pay any attention to her. And that's how our Thanksgiving goes.

Someone asked me the other day why I let someone with dementia call the shots. That is a very good question. Holidays should be happy, not miserable. I have tried different things to make holidays better, but the bottom line is that if she doesn't get her way, then she is not happy. And if Ma isn't happy, ain't no one happy.
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JessieB, what if you developed a sudden illness (stomach ailments or diarrhea ore hard to disprove) and just dropped your mother off at your brother's house and came back for her later, or even asked them to bring her home?
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Jessie, I was going to ask the same question as Babalou did. There comes a time when a person just has to say something to the effect that there are 2 of you in the relationship; you've compromised, and she needs to as well. If she doesn't, well, that's her problem. Maybe she needs to think about another living arrangement. Let her pout, stomp her feet, and act like a 2 year old.

I've seen your posts change from someone confident about caregiving to someone beleaguered by a domineering woman. I've sensed more depression and sadness in your posts of the last few months.

As an anology, I see your needs and your mother's wants on each end of a see saw. Your end is continually being raised and kept that way by your mother's end which is inching toward the ground, where it can maintain maximum control. That's not a very good analogy, but this is how I see your situation changing - you're up in the air, being manipulated by her.

And we both know that Mom isn't going to relinquish that control until you stand up to her, and I mean REALLY stand up to her.

The issues she's fussing around are evidence of that; they're not issues of health care or survival; they're manipulative ones. So, my friend, Jessie, START TAKING CHARGE!
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Sounds wonderful to me. Trouble is my brother lives over an hour away and we have to take the interstates on the busiest travel day of the year. :-( That is another thing I don't like. City interstate driving during high traffic times is something that makes me nervous. Makes me wish I was back in rural Georgia, where you could drive forever without running into much anybody.
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What I would really love is if he would say that he was coming to pick Mom up and he would take her somewhere. I would have to check h*ll that day, though, to make sure it didn't freeze over. :-)
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Jessie, I write this and hope that it will be received as someone who cares, not someone who's critical.

1. Find a day that suits YOU, even if you have to leave Mom overnight at brother's house.

2. Don't allow these kinds of issues to become stumbling blocks, in the "yes, but...." sense. Find an interim solution.

If traffic is bad on some days, choose a different day. Remember that these holidays are designated for specific days but that doesn't mean they can't be celebrated when it's workable for the parties involved.

Years ago a handsome young attorney with whom I had contact while working for an opposing law firm gave me a book to read: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. You don't have to be a Buddhist or motorcycle rider to read it- it's an exploration into dilemmas and how to solve them - life threatening and lesser dilemmas.

Basically the gist was that there are 2 horns of a dilemma - in this case, what your mother wants and all the ancillary issues, vs. what you want or prefer as well as those ancillary issues as well. The solution is not found on either "horn", but somewhere in between. In other words, a compromise.

But Mom has to compromise too; if she doesn't, neither should you.

So start looking for that area between the 2 horns of the Thanksgiving Day dilemma. Put on your thinking hat and ask yourself how you can make this work for both of you, making a checklist if you have to of what each of you can take and give, but your mother will have to compromise as well.
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I know all the things you are saying are right, GA. Sometimes I wish that others who are living with a parent would join the conversation, because living with the parent you are caring for has a different dynamic than living in separate places. You come to be the one seen by everyone as being the total support of the person -- like a parent is to a very willful child. You are left with two options -- stay or leave. There is a lot of compromising on things such as thermostat control, but there are some points (such as holidays) where compromise does not happen.
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Jessie as much as the holidays are a pain you have to do what works for you and Mom..No regrets!

You'll deal with Mom's wishes and feel better from it..
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"Insignificant work horse." Uffff. That phrase hit home. I work full-time Mon-Fri + long crappy commute. Saturdays and Sundays are IT for me. Last December, I spent the last 2 Saturdays before Christmas at mom's house -- writing and addressing her Christmas cards (because she can't write.) She thanked me......but never once asked me if/when I was getting my Christmas cards out, getting my shopping/decorating/baking done, etc. Wow. That's not the mom I used to know. I have no idea if her outsized self-centeredness is controllable, or if that circuit in her brain is irreparably broken. Either way, this holiday season -- to the extent that I am able -- my household comes first. I will give mom ample (and kindly-worded) warning, so she can be resourceful. Or she can be a martyr. Her choice. As Windyridge says, I need to turn off my "give a damn."
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Jessie, your points are well taken. My father did live with me for over a year a decade or so ago after a several month long hospital stay, and it was challenging for both of us. I didn't intend to gloss over your issues, and also hope others living with their parent(s) offer their suggestions so their perspective can be factored in as well.
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Black hole, It is so sad, but yes, your Moms brain is broken and cannot be fixed. the Mom you used to know is gone forever. And is it not always easy to learn to live with one that has replaced her!! My folks are an AL, so I cannot speak to the problems of those with Parents in their own home. The resolve to take care of you own household first is important. She may be more appreciative of your efforts if she realizes that you have etched out time for her projects after you have also finished your own holiday preparations. This time of year can be so stressful for any of us, but especially those who also care for someone else!! Let us take care of our selves as best we can, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally!!
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GA, you weren't glossing over my issues. What you wrote was very right and very good advice.
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My daughter does TG and I bring a couple of goodies. Christmas is Lasagna. I clean up after I get it put together so I only have dishes used for dinner. Dessert is Christmas cookies I have baked. This year daughters asked not to exchange. Only the grandsons get presents. OK with me.
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I can't help any of you with thanksgiving - we don't have it but I am going to try and find some recipes that require very little work for you all for special occasions. Once I have I will put them up and a link to them so you can have a peek and see whether any of them suit you. i will do ones with and without pork for those of you who can't eat it and of course a vegetarian one or two.
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I do have a recipe for a christmas ring that can be veggie or not and is really pretty - anyone interested ....doesn't take long to make looks spectacular and you use croissant ready made dough - 2 cans of it. All you do is unwrap the dough and split it into the triangle and spread each one with cheese - I use cream cheese and add garlic and herbs to it for flavour Avoid the last inch near the pointy end or it will be a glorious mess. Put some engrossed lining paper on a baking tray. Then you make a sun shape with the dough so the short end goes to the centre - overlap them a little to get that nice round shape with the sunburst points out to the end. the better the circle the better the end product (about 4 inch diameter. Then mix thawed out and paper towel dried frozen broccoli about 2 cups in your language - 2 tea cups for Brits, some pepper ( crunched up crispy bacon if you want it) and if you don't use bacon then some roasted/chargrilled parsnips and carrots would be good or pine nuts or chestnuts. You can use spinach if you don't like broccoli and you can adda little extra cheese but try something like parmesan. maybe some basil if you fancy a more Mediterranean flavour. Mix that all together and spoon it in a ring round the fat part of the croissant - then take each point in turn and pull it over the mixture and tuck it under the dough you have a wreath type effect then brush it wish beaten egg and sprinkle seeds or pine nuts then bake it in the oven till its golden brown an=bout 25 mins. Take it out ,dress it with cranberries and rosemary and voila a pretty supper for you all. Really takes no time at all to make and is scrummy
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Do as lttle as possible.
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