How to deal with spouse that refuses to do anything for self?

Oh, see -- this is a good example, Laniece, of why people need rather a lot of information! I assumed "md" meant muscular dystrophy! Since you are on this site, I'm probably wrong and SunnyGirl is probably right, but all the more reason for you to tell us what he CAN do. And HOW is he "refusing"? Does he just not do it, or does he say he will but procrastinates and it doesn't get done. Or does he say, "I forgot" or does he say, "No, I won't". Really different behavior that likely requires different action on your part to get him going. And what does he do or say when YOU refuse to wait on him? Or do you never refuse? I LOVED "New2This" response above! Help us help you by sorting out which behavior is just "male", and which might be related either to his physical or mental limitations or to his personality/attitude. Let's first figure out what he CAN change and then we'll help you figure out how best to do that! Blessings to everyone who contributes!

Laniece, you say your husband has Mixed Dementia, right? You called it MD. Is that what it stands for? If so, then I would discuss his progression with his doctor. I know it's frustrating to believe that a dementia patient is capable of doing some things, but they won't do them. Or to expect them to understand and appreciate the reality of a situation. It might help to learn about his actual capacity to do both. He many not have the capacity, though it seems that way.

My cousin has VD mixed with AD. By looking at her, you would think she can move her hands, fingers and feet. She seems to do use them well in some ways, like picking up food or moving in her wheelchair, but she is not able to use them in other ways. For example, she is not able to put her hand into a gift bag and put out the item. She is unable to put gloves on or to bathe or change her clothes. Her brain prevents it. Her brain does not allow her to move her legs after she stands up. She looks capable, but the brain limits it.

A dementia patient may be physically able to get out of bed, shower, prepare a meal, dress and sign checks, but they are often NOT able to actually do those things, because the brain is hindering them. And they may be able to do it some days and not others.

A dementia patient is not likely to grasp the number of hours someone is working and how that would impact your time in providing care for him. They don't understand the energy and time involved in their care. It's not his fault. He would have no problem understanding that before the dementia.

I would read a lot about Mixed dementia and how it effects the brain, movement and judgment impairment, so I could adjust my expectations and get help. Getting help to help you take care of him is imperative. It's almost impossible to do this alone in the home, especially working full time. I wish you both the best.

I saw a comic strip at least 20 years ago, it still comes to mind now and then and makes me smile. A man walked into a disheveled family room. He looked at a sofa, it's cushions all out of whack. It said "lay on me". He looked at the TV, it said "watch me". He looked at the dog, it said "pet me". He looked at the pile of magazines all over the coffee table, they said "read me". He looked at the baby, it said "play with me". Later, a lady walked into the same room. The sofa cushions said "straighten me". The TV said "dust me". The dog said "feed me". The magazines said "put me away". The baby said "change me". :-)

What seems obvious to us, isn't always so obvious to them. Have you tried making sticky notes and leaving them on fridge? Like "Load Dishwasher Please", "Dust Living Room", "Fold Towels", etc. Mine is pretty much oblivious to anything outside of his own enjoyment. I used to get miffed, blow through all the work while he sat in front of the TV eating cookies, drinking pop, like a child in front of cartoons. One day my Father asked me, have you asked him to do anything? So I tried it, "would you please vacuum while I dust?". TV off, husband up, vacuuming, happily. (?) The second the vacuuming is done, he'll be right back on his butt unless I say "and the towels need folded and put away", ... I dunno, but it's like he thinks if someone else has it then there is no problem. Good luck.

Fellow posters: Laniece is caring for her husband, not a parent. I think the dynamics with a spouse must be quite different than with a father or mother and, while I am not in that position myself, I hope some folks reply who ARE. I hope you will soon read some really helpful advice, Laniece. It's always useful to have as much information as possible in order to give the best suggestions so you might provide more information while you are waiting for others to respond. Such as, what's your age and health situation, how long you've been married, was your husband this demanding before his illness, do you still work outside the home, etc. Most importantly, what, SPECIFICALLY is it that your husband CAN do for himself that you need/want him to do. Hopefully folks will have some really good suggestions for you if you can tell us more. In the meantime, I'm sorry for your troubles and hope this group of caregivers can give you some really good advice.

I struggled on in a similar situation. The very first time that your Father requires the intervention of EMS and Hospital, talk with the social worker at the hospital and make it plain to them that you cannot care for him at home. That will start the ball rolling in the right direction. I did what you are doing for years and was never sicker in my life. Everything in my life was let go, including children, work suffered, and I have paid a high price for that. It was difficult to let go, but now I meet with my Mother at the high-level assisted living facility, a notch below nursing home care, and I explain to her that she is there because she needed more than one person to care for her and that I was unable to do it alone. I see the wisdom and truth of that statement. I could have implemented this earlier but didn't know how, and nobody makes it easy. Also, I was afraid of the financial aspect of this but others have done this for their relatives without taking such a hit or any hit to their finances as I have to mine. I hate to fail. Sounds like you hate it as well. I am now thinking that you should contact the Department on the Aged in your Father's town and have a discussion in a panicked tone (I work 10 - 12 hours a day and cannot provide more than a short visit but he is unable or unwilling to help himself at all). Don't wait until you've cost yourself as much as I have by appearing so in control of the situation. I not only hurt myself, but my daughter since I was her only source of support. I am 65 years old now and my own retirement funds have been heavily drained to allow me to care for Mom during what would have been the best earning years of my life.

We have a similar issue both my sister and I care for our father. For the most part he doesn't want to do anything. He likes to be pampered. By the grace of God if we use a certain sharp tone with him he tries to comply from our frustration. All I can say is try to appeal to his better nature, if he has one. And if it is too much, think about a home health aide or if he has long term health care, put him uncooperative behind in a nursing home. Believe me, we're headed down that path. God understands.

I understand. Perhaps his doctor can prescribe some home physical therapy. Approach it delicately. Like dad your doctor is sending someone over because it's too help you get better so your muscles stay strong.