How to deal with spouse that refuses to do anything for self?

Living South,

You touch on a really interesting conundrum: when is a person no longer capable of s.th. and how do we perceive it. Once I truly understand that my husband (82 and 17 years older than me) cannot do s.th., then I am cool with it. But there is a terrible period that can be called: "Waving goodbye to Responsibility." It is constant change, constantly less for him to do, and constantly more for me. I cannot help but be angered but i try to understand that we are just on the moving sidewalk of old age. I would estimate that one thing each week transfers from him to me.

sometimes that really scary part is that he isn't ready to transfer s.th. that he can no longer does well---like drive the car. He hasn't driven in over a year but wont' admit that it is over and still wants to drive. that is very hard. Or, paying some bills and doing it late and getting penalties. etc,. etc.

I am trying to regard this chapter of my life as just that: a chapter. it will be over and on to the next chapter someday, and I want to be able to look back and know that I did a good job, that I was kind and helpful, that I left nothing undone, that I did my best.

I wonder if what I do is the best I can do. My husband calls me aside to complain or "tattle" on other. He puts me down no matter how hard I work. There are others who could help a couple of hours a week or a month and it would mean so much. I'm not sure what he can do and can't do and sometimes I feel guilty because I get mad. We received found out he has mixed dementia, mini stokes, alz, among other things five years ago but we now know the signs were there about 5 years before.. He is no longer on anything except an anti=depressant and Xanax. The latter he takes to help me cope. I have a great doctor but mainly I'm in this alone. Some times I wonder if there is life out there. He does things to make me feel bad and I go to bed at night and cry. We moved three hours to be closer to our son but his life is so busy that unless I just plain out and out ask he tunes it out. However I am told my grandchildren ages 22 and 23 think I'm hateful. I guess I am I am just so tired and never caught up. Thanks for listening.

My husband has been diagnosed with Alzeheimers. I can't get him to shower. He gets really ugly with me when I tell him he has to take a shower. Even called me a "b...h"....never used a curse word toward me and we've been married 32 years. Im in process of getting him in assisted living. Can't deal with this and work and take care of my 42 yr old daughter who has unoperable brain cancer.

I"m sorry to hear about your husband and daugther 53MagicDragon. You have a lot on your plate. How soon before you can have your husband placed? Stay safe pending his placement. Do you have anyone who can help you?

Maybe this is not the nicest thought, but I say that my husband is a wide receiver of life. I am not so sure that there has to be a disability for a husband to act this way. Not only do I have to ask for his help, he asks how each time, says he doesn't understand. Then argues that my way is not right, so do it your way, I say.
Wish I had patience to explain each time. It must be aspergers.

Laniece, hoping that there is some rehab or small recoveries for your husband during his overall decline. That too, is hard work, getting them rehab help.

The hardest part for me is not doing for two people, it is the perception by others that I am the mean one, or even that in their uninvolved opinion he can do more than I know he cannot at times. Looking in from the outside with judgment on the caregiver can hurt, and cut deep. But then, I realize that my efforts on his behalf make him look really good. Its just that I am looking haggard.

OH, that is so true. My husband looks like he is functioning just fine--because i am running circles around him and fixing all of the issues as they come up. As he forgets or just cannot handle certain responsibilities, I pick them up.

In all honesty, i am just thanking God every day that my husband can do the basics (eat, toilet, shave, dress) for himself. I dread the first mini-stroke when that will all end.

But until that time, I am getting by very well with tons off gratitude. I am grateful for so many things.