How to deal with spouse that refuses to do anything for self?

OH, that is so true. My husband looks like he is functioning just fine--because i am running circles around him and fixing all of the issues as they come up. As he forgets or just cannot handle certain responsibilities, I pick them up.

In all honesty, i am just thanking God every day that my husband can do the basics (eat, toilet, shave, dress) for himself. I dread the first mini-stroke when that will all end.

But until that time, I am getting by very well with tons off gratitude. I am grateful for so many things.

Laniece, hoping that there is some rehab or small recoveries for your husband during his overall decline. That too, is hard work, getting them rehab help.

The hardest part for me is not doing for two people, it is the perception by others that I am the mean one, or even that in their uninvolved opinion he can do more than I know he cannot at times. Looking in from the outside with judgment on the caregiver can hurt, and cut deep. But then, I realize that my efforts on his behalf make him look really good. Its just that I am looking haggard.

Maybe this is not the nicest thought, but I say that my husband is a wide receiver of life. I am not so sure that there has to be a disability for a husband to act this way. Not only do I have to ask for his help, he asks how each time, says he doesn't understand. Then argues that my way is not right, so do it your way, I say.
Wish I had patience to explain each time. It must be aspergers.

I"m sorry to hear about your husband and daugther 53MagicDragon. You have a lot on your plate. How soon before you can have your husband placed? Stay safe pending his placement. Do you have anyone who can help you?

My husband has been diagnosed with Alzeheimers. I can't get him to shower. He gets really ugly with me when I tell him he has to take a shower. Even called me a "b...h"....never used a curse word toward me and we've been married 32 years. Im in process of getting him in assisted living. Can't deal with this and work and take care of my 42 yr old daughter who has unoperable brain cancer.

I wonder if what I do is the best I can do. My husband calls me aside to complain or "tattle" on other. He puts me down no matter how hard I work. There are others who could help a couple of hours a week or a month and it would mean so much. I'm not sure what he can do and can't do and sometimes I feel guilty because I get mad. We received found out he has mixed dementia, mini stokes, alz, among other things five years ago but we now know the signs were there about 5 years before.. He is no longer on anything except an anti=depressant and Xanax. The latter he takes to help me cope. I have a great doctor but mainly I'm in this alone. Some times I wonder if there is life out there. He does things to make me feel bad and I go to bed at night and cry. We moved three hours to be closer to our son but his life is so busy that unless I just plain out and out ask he tunes it out. However I am told my grandchildren ages 22 and 23 think I'm hateful. I guess I am I am just so tired and never caught up. Thanks for listening.

Living South,

You touch on a really interesting conundrum: when is a person no longer capable of s.th. and how do we perceive it. Once I truly understand that my husband (82 and 17 years older than me) cannot do s.th., then I am cool with it. But there is a terrible period that can be called: "Waving goodbye to Responsibility." It is constant change, constantly less for him to do, and constantly more for me. I cannot help but be angered but i try to understand that we are just on the moving sidewalk of old age. I would estimate that one thing each week transfers from him to me.

sometimes that really scary part is that he isn't ready to transfer s.th. that he can no longer does well---like drive the car. He hasn't driven in over a year but wont' admit that it is over and still wants to drive. that is very hard. Or, paying some bills and doing it late and getting penalties. etc,. etc.

I am trying to regard this chapter of my life as just that: a chapter. it will be over and on to the next chapter someday, and I want to be able to look back and know that I did a good job, that I was kind and helpful, that I left nothing undone, that I did my best.

That is do true. If you talk about without kids , his think I don't love there dad, while mine dislikes him for not thinking about my feeling. Do I have to watch what I vent about.

The only thing I could add is maybe get him signed up for palliative care - they could come in and help. If he is like my father, an attractive female who makes a fuss over him will probably get him to do for himself.
This is one thing that really gets to me ... I don't mind doing something that a person cannot do for themselves, but the have to step in constantly for things that are THEIR responsibility is very aggravating.

He is seven years older than I am.

We do have a aid that comes 4 days a week. Helps with his bath and change his bed and cleans up after him. My thing is he refuses to try to help himself. Thelma your situation sounds a lot like mine. You try not to be angry having to take care of everything. I eat alone, go to town or where ever alone.

This is my situation exactly.

I began to notice about a year ago or a tad more that my husband (suffering from a blood disorder) was actually happy to let me do things for him rather than to do them himself. For only one example, let me go pick up his prescriptions. That was a change, and I asked myself: ok, how far is he going to take this?

In roughly six short months the answer was in: He was going to take it all the way. I am now in charge of everything. I must oversee everything. I must identify where there are problems that need to be fixed. I must fix or have them fixed. I make all appointments, see that we get there, check and order prescriptions, etc., etc., shop, cook, set the table, clear the table, wash the dishes, do the laundry and the garden, raking, pruning, the car to the mechanic. I make all phone calls and e-mails--he can no longer do these things.

I have a new understanding of the phrase: doing the best he can. This is not my former husband. He would never do this to me or to anyone. So, I have gotten past the anger. I do feel frustration at times. But I understand this: it is up to me to make this doable. And lately that has meant changing the way I do things. I now cook super simple meals that do not take me more than 10-15 minute in the kitchen. I make a lot in advance, like pot roast or spaghetti sauce, or big piles of mixed vegetables so that I just have to warm things up.

The other day, he wanted to know if I was going to do laundry. He had laundry to do. I asked politely and kindly why I had to do it. And, after a moment of silence, he went off and did it himself.

Recently, I have also decided that less than perfection is fine. If he starts a sentence and doesn't finish it, I just let it go. I don't want to know the end of the sentence because it might be a request. We don’t talk a lot anymore because there are so many unfinished sentences--and I am ok with that. I try to DO things with him. We take rides, walk the beach, play with the dog, watch Netflix.

I intend to continue to seek out ways to change our lifestyle to make it less work. Stay tuned. You’ll be hearing from me.

ferris 1 thanks for feedback. I've already tried everything I know how to do. have been unable to get help with his personality like it is.

Is MD Muscular Dystrophy? Mild Dementia? What is the age difference between you and your spouse?

Move him into an NH before you drop over from caregiving burnout!

We've been married 34 years, he was a truck driver up till he fell out of his truck on his back, when he had back surgery the dr saw that his tissues in his back didn't look normal. He had always had trouble walking and falling a lot. After further testing he was diagnosed with muscle r dystrophy. After he was-diagnosed the dr order him a wheel chair because he was falling a lot. Then he had a stroke about five years ago. He's on medication for pain and blood pressure.

Fellow posters: I'm fairly new to this site in comparison with some of view but I find that it is really almost NECESSARY to read all the replies as well as the original question. Depending on when you replied if each of you had done that you would know that Laniece has given more information along the way AND that her husband has neither medication issues or mixed dementia. He has Muscular Dystrophy. This is an important outlet for everyone but I would also like to suggest that people really REPLY to this poor woman. You can describe your situation to the extent that it is comparable or that you've learned something that would be relevant to the questioner's problem, but it's not fair to her to just vent. Start a new post with your own question and get the comfort and help you need from people who are responding to YOU. Please consider whether what you are posting is 1) RESPONSIVE to the question you are supposed to be answering and 1) HELPFUL to that questioner. A number of the replies above miss the boat on one or both points. As a community often in pain ourselves, I hope you agree that we can do better. And I wish all of you comfort and peace and even joy in the new year. Lolli

Call in troops to help you help him. I don't know what you mean by "md" - is it mild dementia? At any rate, he needs help and if you can't or won't do it, find some professionals who will.

I am disable somewhat and so is husband. he refuses to help out at all. will not go to nursing home or hire help. will not asked grown daughters to help. however, he goes out in care alone to eat or shop. I've been asked out of town for Christmas, but would feel guilty leaving. WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY?

Ok - my husband has vascular dementia, is 75, and we have been married 51 years. Last week he had a major TIA, turning him from fairly impaired into an invalid. When I try to tell him why I need help or why not to get up at 4:30 am, it is useless and has caused a lot of frustration on my part and probably him too.
Then I remembered the Serenity Prayer- God Give me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. My mantra the past few years has been "It is what it is, but it will become what you make it". It's on a small plaque that I got from one of my catalogs. And yes it is still VERY hard to remember these in the wee hours of the morning or changing smelly diapers, or scooping poop off the floor. At least he still feeds himself. Good luck!

Has ur husband seen a neurologist since his bleed? If no PT, OT for a while Medicare may OK some in home. They will be able to tell u his limitations. If they agree he is capable to do certain things then tell him they r his responsibilities. He is probably better doing things for himself. Ten to twelve hours is a lot. Try to explain that you can't do it all. Bet if it was him, it would be his excuse not doing anything around the house. 😊

Good, it's helpful to know what you meant by "MD"; thanks Laniece. Now if you will try to answer the rest of my questions (Lolli47), we'll all try to get on target to help you. Don't worry about how well you spell or type; we can figure it out. And just short phrases like" "married 20 yr; I'm 68 and have ____, he's always been this way or "been this way since stroke" -- whatever the FACTS are. We don't need perfect writing just facts. Hang in there, kiddo...and feel hugged! Lolli

My husband was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2011. I was very frustrated for the first 2 to 3 years because I had a hard time understanding whether he was lazy or incapable. Your mind wants you to think 'lazy' because 'incapable' is hard to swallow. I started making notes, for example, he could follow directions if he read them but not when you spoke to him. He could shave, but ignored the left side of his face etc. Last year he sprained his knee and I insisted that his PCP prescribe home health physical therapy (part A medicare). BTW, the drs. think a person with dementia will not benefit from physical therapy. I used the opportunity to grill the therapists on other aspects of his physical capabilities... the best help I've had in 5 years.

Oh, okay. In that case, I might investigate any new treatments they may have available to help him. Here's a link. Apparently, there are medications that work in some cases. Does he have his pain under control? Sometimes pain can cause the patient to not want to move as much.
webmd/children/understanding-muscular-dystrophy-treatment

Does he receive physical therapy?

MD stands for muscler dystrophy. So all together he has been in a wheel chair since 2004. He had a stroke 5 years ago

And I thought md meant mild dementia.

Actually Laniece, I thought md in your message meant medication.

Is that what you meant?

OH, I don't know. Maybe MD doesn't stand for mixed dementia. If not, then nevermind my post above. I can't amend it. lol

Lolli47 - I do think your original point was an excellent one! I imagine the emotional turmoil of dealing with a spouse vs a parent would be very, very different! I pray I never find this out personally! Sure - the basics of guilt and frustration, along with sadness would be there in both situations - but slowly loosing the person who has been your partner in life has to be devastating!

New2this, oh how true that is... it's the Mars vs Vensus and how each gender sees things differently :)