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I don't blame her for not wanting outside care! With stuff I have read on this site! Stealing, lack of respect for property/client, lack of care, cost REALLY! So you work full time and you can't spare a day or evening to help care for your own parents! These parents cared for you and you can't give a few hours REALLY! Sibling wants a few hours to herself. Maybe parents are asking for you? Maybe parents don't trust outsiders!
Instead of waiting for her to get to her wits end why not offer! geez!
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worriedinCali Mar 2019
Don’t let replies like this make you feel guilty. I don’t see anywhere where you said the sister “wants a few hours”. Like I said, she doesn’t get to control your life. If your parents need more care than you can collectively provide, your sister needs to explore the alternatives. Also quite an assumption to say that the OPs parents cared for her. Not everyone here had parents that cared for them, just saying. I wish people were would think twice about saying “your parents took care of you as a child, the least you can do is take care of them now”. There are quite a few people here who DID NOT have parents who take care of them. My husband’s dad was an absentee parent and I will damned if people like this, make this sort of comment and try to guilt him into taking care of his dad.
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She can want your help all she wants but you don’t have to provide it. She can control her life but not yours. If she decides to keep your parents home, that’s her choice. What she doesn’t get to do, is choose for the rest of you. Her choosing to keep them at home knowing they require round the clock care does not mean the rest of you are obligated to participate in this. You can choose to help on your own terms. You can help when you want and again on your one terms. She made HER choice but she doesn’t make to the choice for you and your other siblings. I hope I don’t sound harsh here. This kind of hits home, dealing with a situation my BIL and FIL have gotten themselves in to and they made the choice to for him to move out here both knowing he couldn’t take care of himself and I just want to scream that the rest of us didn’t agree to or sign up for this so handle it yourselves! You brought him out here in this condition so man up and deal with it!
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This sounds like it is not your problem.

sibling don't want outside help? sibling is providing all the care. Just that simple.

do not let sibling drag you into this....this was not your decision, not your responsibility to make siblings poor choice work.

tell sibling exactly what you will do...for example..I will come and help clean house one Saturday a month, and I will help buy groceries on that same day. I will visit with parents one evening per week...I will notify you each week what day it will be.

Or something to that effect....basically making it clear where you draw the line, what you will do.
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Time for a family meeting. Allow your parents to express their caregiving preferences in order to determine who is responsible for refusing outside care.

Go into the family meeting with a clear idea of what *you* are willing to do and what you are not willing to do in terms of caregiving for your parents. Identify their daily, weekly and monthly needs and how they are currently being met. Be firm in how you see their needs unfolding and stand firm in what you will do to help.

When you say "total control of parents care" do you mean your sister has durable power of attorney for them? If so, your sister needs to understand what you will and will not do. If not, DPOA (medical and financial) needs to be discussed at the family meeting and a consult with an elder attorney should be arranged.

Caregiving must work for everyone involved. And, in my opinion, no one should take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority i.e. DPOA.

Expect to have more than one family meeting. The more unreasonable your parents' expectations the more meetings to reiterate your message. It's not easy; it's unpleasant, but it's very necessary.
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Is it your sibling who is refusing outside care, or is it your parents who are refusing to have "strangers" in the house?

The only person whose behavior you have any control over is you.

You can say " regretfully, sis, I can't help with hands on care. We all appreciate what you are trying to do, but we think our parents need more help than just family can give at this point. What are the options? Can we help research them?"
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