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My brother is older and lives with my mom. He does not have a job so he is available to take her to appointments and be home with her more than anyone else. He also loves to cook so we thought he'd enjoy making her nutritious meals. However, when it comes to bills and adulting.. he is not doing what is needed. He is driving her car and using her debit card. He is isolating her from the outside world and throwing a huge pity party over how much this is taking a toll on him. I know my mom would not want him to have a say in her care because they had a strained relationship previous to her stroke. He is really good at convincing others everything is fine but the more people that are physically present in our little family, they are seeing how bad reality is. I don't know how to protect my mom without him taking it out on her or something.

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I have a tough answer to this: IF you’re not participating in the caregiving, be careful before you criticize him or the care he’s giving. No one person should have to do this alone without help, and he has a wrong to bitch about. Now right the wrongs together! All siblings should participate in some way.
I’ve been in his shoes and it is no picnic. IF you see something that could truly harm Mom, step in. And get some assistance for you both!
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Sarah3 Sep 20, 2021
Yes but it’s always the ones who sit back from a distance that criticize- it reminds me of those who don’t have children and love to weigh in on what other parents do— it’s akin to bullying. Step on others to lift yourself up it’s a crap move
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It is indeed difficult taking care of a parent while the other sibling does nothing but is all of a sudden involved and has a lot to say. And it’s not easy to talk to the other sibling as they are not as committed.
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Sarah3 Sep 20, 2021
exactly- if there was a summary for this post it would read something like “I’m the critic for all the work my sibling does for our mom. My job is not to lend support and appreciation to him but rather to criticize on the sidelines everything he does”

Sangeeta- it’s a sad reality that the way some people feel better about themselves is to step on or put down others for what they do. Then there’s other people who feel better about themselves by doing good
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Pay the man! He needs time off. A paid vacation to start with. After his vacation, he needs 2 days of off per week. I know i didnt like working 24/7 365....
Caregiving is a thankless job and it is taking advantage of him not to be paid. He has no quality of life, no time to relax, causing his own stress levels to rise... and now siblings are and accusing and complaining. With the added stress of siblings complaints... all i can say if you think you can do it better then hupto.... I've been in your brothers position. Nothing is ever good enough for the siblings that refuse to step in with her daily care. Banking etc is easy.... it only takes a few moments in time. speaking of depression, your brother has it! I don't know the man, but i know the job and stress that comes with it.
The freebie of your mom's care needs to stop, and you all need to step in or hire HIM some help.
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NancyInSc Sep 20, 2021
Amen! Amen! Amen!
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Your profile says your mom is 63. Is that correct? That's very young to need a caregiver, so if that's the case, I assume her stroke was pretty catastrophic.

How is it your brother - with whom you say your mother has a "strained relationship" - become her primary caregiver? Was this because he still lived with her; because he had no employment; other reasons; some combination thereof?

How much care does your mom need? If she needs 24/7 care, I'm not really sure how you expect your brother to get a job WHILE he remains her primary caregiver... is there a care agreement set up between him and mom? Is he being compensated for her care beyond room and board?

If the rest of the siblings feel this is a dangerous situation for mom, then you're going to have to make some tough choices if mom can't live alone anymore - either hire full time care, have her placed in an appropriate facility, or one (or more) of you other family members are going to have to step in to take over her care.

But, it could be your brother is suffering from caregiver burn out, because maybe mom's care needs are just beyond what he is able and willing to do. Has he expressed any need for help or support from you and your other family members?
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Since she is also your mom, what do you contribute? Do you contribute anything to cover some of his basic needs such as car upkeep, or at least a gas and personal stipend?
I have a friend who did caregiving for her mom for a while and her two siblings who didn’t assist with that provided their part w a stipend to her every month for her gas and car needs, ( as a caregiver much of the time you use your car it’s for the seniors needs) just wondering since you didn’t mention anything on your end sounds like perhaps there isn’t anything or you would have mentioned it, what if anything do you contribute/ chip in? It sounds like he’s full time which many siblings choose and want to compensate their sibling for — ( if he left you’d be looking at least 2,000 on the low end a week for live in 24/7 care)
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Even if your brother is not working, he can't be a 24/7 caregiver without any pay or any time off.  Just because someone likes to cook doesn't mean that they want to shop, cook and clean up after 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, etc...  Caregiving is exhausting.  What is your role in your mother's care?  If you were to remove your brother from the situation and pay an agency to come in, you would see what your mom has been getting for free. 

Your brother needs supplemental care to come in to give him a break at certain hours of the day or at least a couple of days per week so that he can have some resemblance of a life.
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I was interested to see what the responses would be to this one. A lot of us on here are the siblings that have been 'bestowed' the responsibility.
I must say I bristled when I read you thought he would enjoy cooking for her and that he throws a huge pity party over how it is taking a toll on him. I am guessing his pity parties do not result in anyone stepping in to help so he can have a break?
As the sibling who is supposed to be enjoying this, I can tell you it is not easy or enjoyable and it does take a toll. If he has no job and is unable to get a job since he has a 25 hour a day unpaid job, then why is there an issue in him using the car? where does he get money from? Is there a reason it is entirely his responsibility to give the care? and for free??
The best way to help your mum is to step in and help her and help your brother too.
You could also just pay him for his time. A PSW here makes about $20 (more for overnight but for argument's sake we'll just add up the daytime ) so $320 a day x 7. .. $2240 a week (oh and side note : PSW's are horrendously underpaid for what they do)
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my2cents Sep 21, 2021
All that is kind of what came to mind for me - as a 24/7 caretaker. We got the job, but after awhile it's just toil. I certainly can't say that I sit around planning an enjoyable meal planning/meal cooking session. In fact, there is very little that I do get to plan as enjoyment for me. Just do what I do and keep plugging along. Maybe this assignment really does look nice and easy for those on the outside. Who knows?
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it sounds like you are grateful for some of your brother’s help. Caring for an elderly person can indeed be very difficult.

Paying a caregiver hourly can also be very expensive.

if this relationship is stressful for your mom, why did someone arrange for him to move in? If he is financially irresponsible, why was he given access to the debit card?

These problems are easier to avoid than resolve.
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I suggest you call your Area Agency on Aging to find out what resources might be available to your mother. It sounds like your brother is not the sort of person who seeks out resources, and you could present them as a help to him. My local agency has financial management assistance. It also sounds like your mother might enjoy participating in an adult daycare program to be less isolated.
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Reply to shedwells
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Some people do not handle finances well and should not have the responsibility, if you know your brother is like this then someone else from your family is going to have to step up and take care of your mom's money. If you don't she won't have any left and could lose her home and then they'll be living with you. Caring for a sick parent is not easy and can be a very isolating experience. If you aren't involved with daily care you don't know what your brother experiences. Even a much loved activity like cooking can become a chore. If you think your mom is in physical danger from your brother the rest of you better come up with a plan. Until you get these issues solved ALL of you are going to have to sacrifice some time out of your personal lives to help your with your mom's needs.
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