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True that in-laws shouldn't matter. But when the wife of sibling has attacked me left and right, is there anything that I can do? She even told me last year that my sibling would prefer that I do everything. But he is POA. Doesn't go over to see my mom as much as I do. I take care of her meds, taking her to the doctor's appointments and call and check on her at memory care. She has been there for about 3 months and has had maybe a couple of minor upset moments. But that's all. My mom still has her sanity about her and understands everything that is said to her. Due to her age, 88, she has been through a lot in the past year. Moving 2 times. Sold her house in one day and didn't expect it to sell that fast. My sibling helped her move both times but I helped more the first time because my mom was doing okay. Just needed to be with her. My brother even threatened me with a restraining order. Never followed through. If he is her POA, then he needs to take more responsibility for her and not to pass it off on me. He needs to learn how to do more things.


For those who understand teachers and contracts, can't he do a FMLA for his mom when he needs to take off for certain appointments?

Please keep in mind that acting as POA does not require hands-on care.  You do not need to go to medical appointments, visit (except I suppose to be sure you know what is going on so you can make responsible decisions as POA). It's great you are doing so much for your mom, but POA would not require it.  Would your brother resign POA? If your mom is still competent, she could name you as POA.
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Reply to rovana
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Judy79 Sep 26, 2019
I wish that he would resign.  He knows about the financial part a lot more than I do.  But since I work in the medical field, it is easier that I do all of that. She almost did want me to be POA after her upset her but I convinced her to keep him in that position. I do know that there are two kinds of POA's.  Financial and Healthcare.  And I would be her healthcare.  He doesn't do anything in relation to her healthcare as he doesn't even know her as well as I do in that aspect.  I will make sure that things are done for her as needed.  He accepted the position as POA and I think that he needs to learn the responsibilities. I have been using my PTO and would have liked to have saved it for other things but mom comes first. I do know that other people have more problems than I do.  So mine are small compared to other people's issues.
I had her resign the healthcare rep form that was faxed to her atty this past January.  Just found out that since she didn't sign it, that it wasn't legal.  So I got another one and her thinking is clear, and will get it notarized and sent back to the atty.  He won't know what hit him. Neither will my brother.  We don't talk anyway. Never have had a good brother/sister relationship.  She has him wrapped around her finger. Annnnnnnd, life goes on.
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I will try to answer the question you asked regarding the FMLA. From a U.S. government website: "The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) entitles eligible employees who work for covered employers to take unpaid, job-protected leave for specified family and medical reasons, with continuation of group health
insurance coverage under the same terms and conditions as if the employee had not taken leave."

Note that the leave doesn't have to be paid. That can be a big disincentive for people to take FMLA leave.

I've never taken FMLA leave to care for a parent, but some of my coworkers have, and I know that the process of applying for the leave was not easy nor was approval of the leave automatic. Employees requesting such leave can be required by their employers to provide certification from a health care provider regarding the "serious health condition" of the parent who needs care. There are a lot of hoops to jump through.

I believe you when you say your sister-in-law hasn't been nice to you. But I'm guessing that she has picked up on your dislike of her. It might be best if you talked directly to your brother, instead of you and your brother allowing communication to occur via his understandably frustrated wife.
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Reply to Rosered6
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Since its been said u have talked about this before sorry if I am repeating.

Having the POA does not mean you need to be hands on. Your brothers responsibility is Moms finances and if he has Medical, talking to her doctors. You can't take the POA over if Mom is no longer competent to make informed decisions. If she is, have her revolk ur brothers POA and assign you.

I think you need to resolve yourself to the fact your brother is not available. You are not going to get any help from him. Once u except this, then u will feel somewhat better. Don't be angry at ur brother either. Just makes u feel bad not him.
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Judy79 Sep 26, 2019
The facility said that he needs to come there more often.   He won't be having medical for that much longer.  And besides, he has me doing everything medical and he doesn't.  He will continue to be her financial POA and I will be her medical POA.  I honestly don't know the difference between the medical POA and healthcare representative.
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From what I know of family medical leave it has good and bad that comes with it. Many companies only begrudgingly allow for it and many pay nothing for the time you are off work. It can affect your career, your present income and future prospects for placement in the company. Maybe your brother can't afford to take that time off work to do more to help? If she's in a facility that takes some of the pressure off of the "todo" list. I encourage you to seek peace for the sake of your mothers peace of mind. It's encouraging to hear that you will continue to support your mom, no matter what. Bless you all.
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Judy79 Sep 26, 2019
Thanks!  But he can afford to take off.  There are substitute teachers that they can get.  At least they used do.
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From what I know of family medical leave it has good and bad that comes with it. Many companies only begrudgingly allow for it and many pay nothing for the time you are off work. It can affect your career, your present income and future prospects for placement in the company. Maybe your brother can't afford to take that time off work to do more to help? If she's in a facility that takes some of the pressure off of the "todo" list. I encourage you to seek peace for the sake of your mothers peace of mind. It's encouraging to hear that you will continue to support your mom, no matter what.
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"But when the wife of sibling has attacked me left and right, is there anything that I can do? She even told me last year that my sibling would prefer that I do everything"

Judy, have you ever sat with your brother alone in a quiet, noncontencious moment and asked him about what his wife said? What does that mean, that he would prefer you do "everything"?

Would you be satisfied if he accompanied her to doctor appointments? Would he ask the kind of questions you would?

Does he take care of finances? For my brother and me, he (or actually his wife, the MBA, took care of mom's money. I did the doctor/medical stuff.

Look, having an elderly infirm parent is a drag. It caused me to take lots of sick days. Needed to give up a lucrative 2nd job. Needed to buy a more reliable car. If you talk to your brother, I'm sure you'll find that he is making financial and relationship sacrifices. Teachers have great difficulty taking time off during the school year, FMLA or not.

Try to see this as a joint enterprise with your brother if you value your relationship with him.
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Judy79 Sep 25, 2019
BarbBrooklyn, we have never had a relationship ever. Just civil only. His wife has a lot to do with it. I will never stop helping my mom. And my husband is there to help also. And he has.
Thanks for your encouragement.
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Hi again, Judy. You have written us a few times about your difficulties getting along with your Bro who is POA, your feelings that he doesn't do enough and that his claims about his work being quite overwhelming are not legitimate. You have also complained quite a lot about his wife and about your inability to get along with her.
I think most of us have suggested that you try really hard to get along with the son Mom chose for POA, and that you try with all your good heart not to cause dissention in his marriage. We have suggested you cannot change him.
Apparently that isn't working for you. So I can only repeat what I said before. Let them be. Back away from them, and from giving them advice. Do what you can for your much loved Mom. And for the sake of pity try not to let Mom think that her children are warring over her and her care, that she is not in the middle being torn between you. Because that is just too cruel; she is too old and weak to have to endure it.
Sorry that it is still so very tough for you. I wish you could just back away from your bro and his wife, tell them that you are there if they need you and if you are able you will be any support you can to them, tell them to call if they need you, and tell them that you are backing away and going just to visit and love your Mom in the time she has left.
I so wish you the very best. But again, there is nothing, you can do to change others. You can help them OR you can move away from them, but you cannot change them. And doing a harm to a couple, to their marriage, ultimately to the peace of your Mom will make you bitter on the inside, hurting you more than it hurts the others. I fear for you if you cannot find some inner peace with the way things are. Not the ways you WANT them to be, but the way they ARE. Hugs to you woman. I know you are suffering. I wish you peace.
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Judy79 Sep 25, 2019
Thanks! The answer that I need to hear. I have told him to let me know if he needs anything. I have, and will never, tell him what his wife has said to me. (But then again. ;) ) He is busy with school and I don't want him to lose concentration.
I told him about the appointments for her and he said that only if they are an emergency. Taking care of mom, I thought was an emergency, or a priority. If he only knew how she treated me, maybe he might give her the wippin of her married life. She has stayed away from me. I blocked her on FB. It's a shame that this has happened. But the less that my mom knows, the better.
Her mom told me at church that it should have been my responsibility to go to her because she didn't take a shower for a week. I can only do so much and my brother can help even more. And from what I was told, she is doing better after he talked to her. Will see how things continue.
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