How to deal with no help from family?

Jola11, I love your attitude. It was clear to me since the caregiving for my parents began, that this is one tough road and I never had expectations of getting any help. I am grateful that my sister did step up and regret that she has this burden at all. I wish she could enjoy her life and would understand if she bailed. Now we are both tired and anxious all the time. She has to have a hysterectomy next month and more will fall to me. I pray for the health, strength, and patience to continue.

Mary,

I gather you moved in with Mom not just to help her out, but because your financial situation wasn't that good anyway. Your sibs probably see it as if you're getting free housing in exchange for caregiving; so putting up with Mom's antics comes with the territory.

I really don't want to judge, but when you talk about the will an ulterior motive pops up. Are you assuming that because you're the caregiver you should be entitled to more of whatever Mom leaves behind? It's her property, and she can do whatever she pleases with it. She probably senses your motive, and therefore puts you down and treats you like a servant.

If I were you, I'd ask her to take me out of the will. In the meantime, and while you make plans to venture out on your own again, get her a gym membership so she can improve her mobility. Or a physical therapist and/or yoga she can do at home. Anything that'll make her a little bit more reliant.

It sounds like you are very resentful of your situation. Obviously the lack of support from your siblings is taking its toll on you. As is your Mom's attitude.

I suggest you get with your siblings and figure out how to sell the house and put her in an assisted living situation or nursing home, whichever is appropriate.

I take care of my 85 year old parents, and also work part time helping other seniors remain in their homes. Just because someone wants to stay in their home doesn't mean it is the best thing for them. Some elderly people get stubborn and won't face reality about the aging process. They can simply block it out of their minds and refuse to face facts about declining capabilities.

As family caregivers it is up to us to make decisions on their behalf that they may not like but may have no choice in.

Again, speak with your siblings and share your feelings. Hopefully they will be supportive about what needs to happen next.

To Eddie no ulterior motives here.

It's very very hard to be THE ONLY ONE doing the caretaking. If the other siblings won't do any hands-on work, perhaps they could be persuaded to part with a few dollars toward a paid caretaker for a few hours a week....Get this: my good friend has a 92 year old mother (razor-sharp, mind you!) and in spite of several siblings, the full weight of care is on her. (my friend). The other children have washed their hands of the mother (who is an awful narcissic demanding old beeyotch, and has been forever! let's not leave that out!) They won't take calls from my friend OR their mother, they. are. done.... So my friend is doing everything with no money and no help and called me up the other day asking advice - what to do if her mother died? Because she (my friend) had no money for a funeral or to bury her mother, and did I think cremation was a reasonable choice?? (you can't make this stuff up, folks! my head was spinning, I didn't know what to SAY. I said maybe you should go SEE your siblings and discuss the situation, and she refused point blank, they are useless, mean, self-absorbed, and she wants nothing to do with them. Back to square one! )

My older sister called... says "barbed" comments. "You and Mom are living like hermits." (It's been a blizzard - and Mom's been tied to an O2 tank for a year) I have to have a thick skin. Brother 1 will run an errand if Mom calls and aks -- buy and deliver Gatorade for Mom, leaves it just inside her door - won't come "in" except on Christmas and Mother's Day for 2 hours - that's it! Brother 2 calls everyday to vent his troubles to her! but hasn't seen her in a year. Sister calls and comes every six weeks and tries to help "when she can." So here we are, me and Mom, and making the best of it

Oh, the barbed comments drive me crazy. I don't think they're meant to be mean, but they do feel like criticism for something we have little control over. A lot of the time I think they are said because the talker doesn't want to share any responsibility. It is a lot easier to say "You live like hermits" than it is to come over more often to make it not so. Maybe it would have been good to say that if family visited more often than you wouldn't be living like hermits.

Lancelot, I get the feeling that since your brother brought the Gatorade for your mother and left it without saying anything that there are some feelings running deep in the family. This is unusual behavior. Does you mother sleep a lot or was there a lot of bad feelings growing up?

JessieBell,
Right on both counts. Rough childhood! Abusive PTSD WWII Marine Vet Father. Mom is a survivor, I see her as triumphant, and yes, sleeps a lot, and has "slept on the couch" for 45 years... My elder sibs still are playing out the resentment from their childhoods 50 and 60 years ago. Me? I was a sickly asthmatic child, my Mom always took care of me. Now it's my chance to care for her. I don't speak with bros. My sister and I have contact, but nothing intimate. So, this is the end of the family story. I am focusing on how to move my life forward when the inevitable comes.... thanks for understanding

get your siblings to take over for a week than they will see what it takes.I had to move in with my parents because i decided to go back to school to take a hairdressing course,but than both my parents had bad strokes in the same month so I was there so I got the job of taking care of them 24/7.I was kind of lucky that my father was in the military for 30 years so he got a grant that he pays me out of to care for him anyway,but I take care of both.My mother was really bad for awhile,I had to have a baby monitor in case she got up and I did not hear her because she was falling every time she got up by herself.Smashed her head so bad she had to have fluid removed from her brain.It was a nightmare situation for awhile,she was a diabetic on top of that.She no longer has to take insulin since I have been making all the meals and making sure she only eats what she is supposed to.I am in a bad situation really because eventually I will have to put them in a home and I will be stuck without a job and I am 46 now,it is a source of real worry for me

Marymack, These kind of situations are all too common unfortunately. I don't know anything about your mother's financial well-being of course, but if she were to change her will, leaving you a greater portion of her estate and the house to you, it's almost certain your siblings would fight it. That would mean court battles and attorneys taking the lion's share. Plus all the aggravation. Honestly, I think you should leave it alone, even if you don't agree with the 1/3 share. I know it doesn't seem fair. But you will always have peace of mind knowing you were there with your mom at a time she needed you most. There are lots of people who would trade all their money and material things for that opportunity to be with their parent(s) in their last days. Things will turn out well for you. Just do the right thing.

This is what I find sooooooo distressing about some caregivers. It would be fantastic to be blessed with 20/20 vision in advance but we aren't. Let's be honest here if one sibling earns less than the rest then they so very often get the short straw - they help with NO input from siblings. Every ounce of the siblings energy goes into keeping that other sibling in line and doing the work, while they blissfully carry on their own lives with no thought for their sibling.

I love it when families pull together and really SHARE the care but it is darned rare, although I do know one or two in here who have had that relationship. Now on to the will issue - it's the elephant in the room isn't it?

I cannot understand what is wrong with saying that if one person has done ALL the care for xx amount of years for NO pay that they are entitled to a greater share of the inheritance. Perhaps if that were LAW more siblings would step up to the plate and DO something.

If the law cannot be made that way (and I do know it can't) then pay for the care should be taken from their parent - Sorry for all you who are opposed but caregivers should have rights too. If then they CHOOSE to forgo them all well and good but currently that have NO rights and I can't see it changing any time soon. Yes they can opt to put parents in care but I think a lot of the stress and worry about the caregiver's future would be relieved if they were paid for caring as a job.

Im not talking a fortune either. Not a ridiculous 3000$ + a week but something that is a living wage for them even if it was in the form of an insurance policy for their future. Yes they get free room and board but for some they are doing what is effectively house arrest for they have no respite.

I said to someone only yesterday very tongue in cheek that I would actually be better off in prison theoretically - not emotionally don't get me wrong but I would be better of financially, have more access to things. Especially in the UK where their laundry is done for them, their meals are cooked for them, all medication dental stuff is free. They have TVs in their rooms.

But you wouldn't be able to go out they said - can't now is my stock reply!

It the whole issue of she's your mother/he's your father. Drives me insane. ALL carers SHOULD be paid for the work they do. They are valuable assets in the care services yet still none is willing to acknowledge that worth in cold hard cash and I cannot for the life of me see why. If the daughter didn't care or the son as it is in some cases then the inheritance would not exist. Yet a person can, for whatever reason, give up what turns out to be their entire life eventually (as care needs increase no-one notices trust me (except the caregiver of course)

Maybe a huge life insurance policy with the caregiver as sole beneficiary can serve as an unspoken caregiving contract. The parent would pay the premiums.

what just happened? Did I accidentally report my own post? Did I mess up?

AC pop-up said: "ok, we will review the comment', then my comment was posted. I give up on technology, really I do.

you probably reported mine Send!

oh jude, probably, could be so! Would only do that for my favorite friends, though!
However, only hit the post comment once, nothing else.

My husband 'fixed' my keyboard (fixed is a relative word here), so now it clicks with every key I type. Why???? It no longer has x. or. c. in between each letter I type, so that is an improvement, me thinks. Clickety clickety, click. Could he be making tech-fun of me because I wanted a typewriter instead?

Back to the topic...Buy the policy before moving in with parent?

Life insurance policy: Mom as insured, caregiver as owner and beneficiary, Mom pays premiums. Would this work legally, I am wondering.

When someone gets old they either can't get life insurance or it is so expensive that that most could not afford it. The insurance companies want to make money on policies and not lose it. There are several conditions and exclusions that help them protect their investment. Notice even on the Colonial Penn commercials, the say there is some payment each month per unit. But how much is a unit? Could be $1, could be $1000. I've heard it depends on how old you are.

BTW, Colonial Penn does not pay out if a person dies naturally within two years of taking out the policy. So before paying the high premiums charged for older people, make sure there is no plan to die soon.

Yes, OhJude, you are right... I was lucky. ... I had family help from my daughter in caring for both very ill parents I moved in with, in order to help with care and organize our lives. But the age of those involved has a lot to do with it... In my case I retired @ age 62, and parents were 90-ish.... they had money to pay for extra help, but our County also had Income adjusted payment schedule for the cost of these aides.
Marymack - you might try finding out what help is available in the County your Mom lives in... by asking your Mom's Doctor for phone numbers to call..... Also a visit to an Elder-Attorney might be helpful with the legal implications + cost of a Life Ins. specific to the caregiver... I think if the parent can afford the premium for even a small amount of insurance for just you...that is a good way to help with the drastic financial changes that will invariably happen when a parent passes on.... There has to be a WILL as well, or the local Court will charge tremendous fees to settle the estate..... whether it is small or large...
Do NOT drag your feet on settling those items !......
Again : 1) ... talk to Doc's office about getting a social worker for your mom ! Explain to the Social worker about the depressive episodes of your Mom...
Say that you need help in " locating " help or referrals -- like what organizations are there in your town or county ??? !!!
2)... get social worker to help you how to find an Elder-Lawyer.. whose 1st appointment might be and often is free.
3)... Tell, do NOT ask your Mom, but TELL her you need to see what her will says, and what she has in mind and that you may want her to take out a small insurance just for you, as that insurance would not be affected by other circumstances in the will, after her passing.
4)... At the same time assure your Mom that you love her and want to take care of her,...yet you are putting your live on hold to be with her until she turns to age 100 ... if need be...!!!
Take your Mom with you to the Elder-Attorney's appointment...
Also, I found that hospitals have social-workers that may hook you up with helpful organizations !!!
If your parent is ever admitted in a hospital for anything.... ask for a social-worker to see your Mom right then, if you can't get one before then... Again a doc's office should also know how to contact Social services-help !!! I wish you luck and a good outcome.. Lastly, never mind what non-involved siblings do or don't do... if you get petty with them, it will just backfire and upset your Mother.... Realize that she is now a " PATIENT "whose thinking process is changing ever more with age... Remember one thing... that you will never have to reproach yourself at the end...because you were there to do the RIGHT thing... which is caring for your parent !!!
... and whether they say so or not... your siblings are sooo glad you can be relied on to be with your Mom.. and they have their own problems and shortcomings...Your kindness to them will bring out their gratefulness too, now or later !! ... You are the good person here... be proud of it !!! Once you can arrange for some help from a Nurse-Aide you might even try taking a course that may improve your chance for employment down the road... Think positive !!!
and be strong ...!!!

1Rarefind, made a comment on transferring the house to someone. That can be a very touchy thing tax wise. For example, if my mother transferred her house to me, when I go to sell it I would pay capital gains on the appreciation from the date I received the house. If I inherit the house, I only pay capital gains on the "stepped up" value, that is the value it is when I inherited it. This can be a huge tax burden. I had it happen to me, I knew it would happen, and just bit the bullet. I am not sure if the house would be considered income the year it was transferred to you. Check with a tax attorney. Also, do you have the funds for maintenance, insurance, taxes, etc.

Jessebelle, you are so right about that insurance, their automatic deductions were a problem also, like giving another big corporation permission to help themselves to your checking account-cancelled that !!

automatic deductions for insurance?

What do you do when your elderly loved one just wants to shop and spend money every weekend? My mom is in a really great nursing home where she is happy. She chose to go there but I go get her on weekends to spend time with her but all she wants to shop and I make less than $ 30,000 a year and have a house note and other expenses. It's really putting a strain on me. She also has ver u expensive tastes. I hate to tell her no.

Jowilson002 Why do you hate to tell her No? If she doesn't know she is putting a burden on you, she has no reason to stop. Why are you using your money? Why doesn't she use her own money?

Life insurance (as seen on tv between all the ambulance chasing commercials on daytime tv) and long-term care insurance are not a simple solution. For the former, as noted, won't pay out if you die within 2 years, and you have to buy more insurance 'units' to make it worthwhile than you ever dreamed of. Long term care premiums are hideously expensive, the older you get, you might as well just put a thousand dollars a month in the bank and be done with it ( and I am sure there's something that makes long term care insurance at a late date not worthwhile)

What bothers me about all this is that a handful of people control the wealth of America. Their wealth was made on the backs of the people. In the old days there were pensions and other signs of loyalty from employers. Now people are treated like ants having no value. Old people are treated so poorly that it makes me ashamed of the country. It seems like they are seen more as cash cows than anything. Estates are becoming a thing of the past, because the medical and care communities have drained them. It isn't enough, though. The government is targeted, too, through Medicaid.

We do need socialized care for our elderly. There has been a great fight against it, saying it would cost too much and the care would be substandard. I guess we could make the same argument about public schools -- cost too much and the teachers aren't that great. We know that is not true. Something becomes what we make it to be.

There is such discrimination against old people in this country. I would love to see a system like they have in Norway, but we would have to pay a lot of attention to immigration (just like Norway does). We wouldn't want people working all their lives somewhere else, then coming to the USA to take advantage of the benefits.

I would like to see the USA care as much about its old people as they do about its young.

Hmmm I do wonder about all the work that is being done to extend our lives so much. Do I really want to live in a worn out body? I really do think it would take a brave person to stand up and say this is the natural order of things - let's focus on painting the health of the younger people and caring properly for the elderly people rather than lash out exorbitant money - billions worldwide on making people live longer and increasing the stress on caregivers

painting? Improving that should read - that will teach me to have a DIY programme on in the background