Ever since her stroke 2 years ago at 91, my grandma has been having health issues that the family always tells me are “the big one” and “this is it” and “you’d better go see her now because it doesn’t look good.”
These issues are usually resolved by the time I get there, often the same day or next day. She rallies every single time. I'm afraid maybe my panic reflex is actually gone now. Is this normal, to feel like “yeah yeah whatever” when I hear another “it’s not good” report?
I mean, her whole existence is “not good.” Active bowel cancer, pneumonia, anemia, anxiety, bedridden, incontinent, stroke stuff affecting her mentally... and yet, I have the feeling she’ll make it to 97 or more. Up and down the whole way.
Another thing... her caregiver and my uncle both talk to me in such vague protective delicate language about how serious her condition is and how she could go any minute. I think it wouldn’t be so bad if she did pass, like now, or maybe in 10 minutes. She’s loved and well cared for and had more than she ever needed. Why are we spinning things out?
I wish I just knew what would happen to her and when. A timeline would be good!! No more up and downs please....
I feel so cold hearted. It feels like I’ve already let her go in my heart, when she could still be with us for years to come. How can this be?