I am struggling with care issues regarding my mother. My mom has always had a very abrasive personality. She had a rough childhood, was in an abusive relationship with my father, and raised me a single parent.
Over the years she and I have had our differences. We do not have a lot in common, and quite honestly being around her for any length of time is exhausting for me. My perception is that my mom has always craved attention, so she courts drama. If the drama does not exist she creates the drama.
In 2013 she was in a car accident. She lives in another state, so I was called at work shortly after the highway patrol found her. Doctors diagnosed her as having a mini stroke. She was also diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having bipolar disorder. I spent two weeks with her after she had the mini stroke and I was subjected to some of the most abusive, bullying behavior I have ever encountered. It was as if I was a 10 year old kid all over again. We had several arguments and I found myself feeling trapped and wanting to get away from her as quickly as I could.
Since that time, I have received calls from her neighbors that she is not doing well. She is forgetful, combative, and insists to everyone that she is fine. I have written her doctor several times, I have also filed cases with APS three times. APS has informed me after each visit that she appears fine. She is clean, can answer questions, and appears to be well. I even called an attorney to find out what else I could be or should be doing. The attorney told me that I cannot really do anything unless she is committed to a nursing home or other care facility as a result of doctor's orders or APS recommendation.
I am ashamed to say this, but I do not like my mom, but I feel obligated to try and help her. It is a lifetime of dealing with her that has left me not wanting to help. I do not want to be sucked into the drama and the verbal abuse. I also feel like her neighbors expect me to do something, but based on the law, I cannot do anything. I have no desire to see her and when I do have to speak with her I feel like I am getting ready to jump of a cliff.
The shame I have for how I feel toward my mom is palpable. I have been seeing a therapist and I am now taking medication to try and control anxiety and panic attacks that I have suffered from since returning from my visit.
My mom raised me as a single parent, she took care of me. I do believe her treatment of me when I was a child was psychically and emotionally abusive. However, she is still my mother. How can I turn my back on her. What is wrong with me that I do not want to help another person in need, especially my own mother.
May I suggest, if your Mom is not willing to take her meds that you take a Valium (or whatever) before you go see her. I get along with my Mom, but sometimes...you know & even I will take a Valium before going to see her. Your health is very important. Don't lose yourself in her craziness. I don't know what you can do for her but others have great advice. I am just here to tell you to take care of YOU & YOU are not crazy for the way you are feeling.
HUGS HUGS HUGS and positive thoughts going out to you.
So I don't have any advice, really, but try not to let her drag you down.
Bood
It sounds to me that you are doing what you can. You have contacted APS, you are in communication with her neighbours, you have written her doctor, were involved when she had the accident... I don't know if there is much more you can do. Many here, regardless of past treatment, have parents who are unwilling to be helped. In those cases it is a waiting game until something happens e.g. a fall causing injury, to force the issue so that the professionals evaluate and determine that this individual cannot live alone any more and requires placement into a facility. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, recommends that anyone who has been abused by a parent should not do hands-on care giving, but rather from a distance, through others who work directly with the parent. Other writers talk about low contact or no contact with an abusive parent, and if contact is maintained that it is necessary to set firm boundaries for your own protection. Support is also very important and also knowledge about the illness so that you can detach emotionally.
Please let go of the shame you feel and also any guilt. She is very fortunate that you are still willing to help. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.
I gather no one has POA or healthy care proxy for you mum. Likely, at some point, someone will need to make decisions for her. It may have to be the state. Another alternative is that you obtain guardianship when she becomes incompetent. You may or may not want to do this. I am just bringing these up for you to consider. I gather you are an only child. If, when I agreed to take on POA etc., I knew what I would have gone through last year or so, I might well not have taken it on.
It seems an immediate concern is the neighbours who call you and feel you should be doing more for your mum as she is not doing well. You have acted very responsibly, in my view, even to contacting an attorney, who told you the facts of what you can and cannot do. They are trying to be helpful, no doubt. Perhaps they can call APS with their particular concerns. Their involvement is a mixed blessing, but may be helpful in monitoring your mum's decline.
Does her doctor have any suggestions? I found things had to get worse before they got better, Mother was in an ALF and became more and more paranoid, accusing the staff etc., and then finally expressed suicidal thoughts, but refused to take meds. This is what got the professionals moving, and she is now in a geriatric psychiatric hospital, on antipsychotic meds and better than she has been in a long while. She will be discharged to a mental health facility. Last year was "annus horribilis" for me - worse than usual and I suffered PTSD from past abuse. I have the same reactions as you to spending time with her and set the boundary that I would have no contact with her unless she was taking the meds she needs. Even then, I have told the staff that my contact with her will be minimal. I live 5hrs drive away anyway. I look after her finances (she sent her stuff to me), do some shopping for her, and so on, but I don't do outings with her. They require a wheelchair and at my age -77 - I don't want to take that on. She has enough money to hire someone to go with her. I help to arrange that and whatever else is needed. It is not a perfect solution, but workable so far. I reserve the right to drop out if I need tp for my health, as it has been affected by all the stress.
In short, I understand, and I support you to look after yourself first. Pauline Boss says it well - be humane to your parent, but do yourself no further harm.
Do comeback and share more - let us know how this plays out. (((((((hugs))))))) and blessings.
While I'm not in the same situation I can understand why this would be confusing for you but really, it's understandable. Your mom was abusive to you in the past but she's still your mom. I understand why you would feel obligated to her. This doesn't make you a bad person, not in the slightest. You've been hurt by your mom in the past, maybe many times, and this could cause you to think twice before jumping into your mom's life again. You're not a bad person at all. But when we have a wound we think twice before tearing off that scab and exposing the wound again because we know that it hurts. There's no shame in considering that before getting involved again with the person who hurt us.