My son is incredibly critical of me--he hears his dad complain about something and he on me like white on rice.
He has actually flown down to check out the situation when he feels I am doing a particularly 'bad job' and is not uncomfortable telling me off.
DH has had 5-6 incidents of health crises and son has never been present for the day to day, but he sure can be mean about what he feels I am not doing. HAs he EVER offered to help? Never. He just takes my car and goes and hangs out with friends--like he's on vacation.
I had cancer last year and what did his father do for me? Absolutely nothing. I may as well have been invisible. Son never called, texted or emailed me during the entire 6 months of chemotherapy. I went to his home in WA for Thanksgiving and was SO SICK the whole week, I just could not eat and wanted to sleep all the time. What does son and his wife do? They call the family on Christmas and over SKYPE proceed to chew me out for being 'no fun' and 'uninvolved' and 'uncaring' during T-giving's visit. Broke my heart. Dh , of course, did not have my back and simply said "Well, you WERE pretty much MIA for the whole week". I was less than 5 weeks post chemo. Son said that was an 'excuse' and I should have been fine by then.
I have had to go grey rock with them---told them until they can be adults and not petulant children, I didn't want to talk to them. It's been about 6 weeks and have heard nothing at all from there. I may have to accept that this is what it is going to be forever.
It hurts so bad--but I am adapting to not having them and their kids in my mind, making me sad and sorrowful. Son's wife is a doctor, so she should KNOW that chemotherapy is the very devil, It took me to the brink of death---and they never cared.
This son had 2 brain surgeries in his early 20's and he begged me to not leave him alone at the hospital and I did not. 10 days for the first surgery--only went as far as my daughter's house to shower and borrow clean clothes--maybe 2 hours in a day, twice. The 2nd surgery, I NEVER left.
Hard to believe this jerk is the same boy who used to love and adore me.
So sorry. I think they get caught up in their own lives and lose sight of what is important. I love my daughters and am lucky they live close. Maybe thats why I don't see them everyday. And at 70 we have not had to ask much. I told them I don't expect them to physically care for me. I should have money for that. But, I don't want to be forgotten. My one daughter is always helping everyone else but so far doesn't seem to be getting anything in return. I wonder if she will help me when the time comes.
Yep to below. Perhaps you can schedule a mini vacation for yourself. If your son is in the area and can be at your house; I suggest the next time he's there, that you show him you have a bag packed and give him the house keys. A Daily Care Schedule is on the fridge along with any phone numbers he may need. Really walk out the door and leave him standing there. Then check yourself into a nice hotel with a good book or visit a slightly distant friend. Assure him it's not forever, just a few days....
If you have enough energy at the end of the day, you can write up an email log of what you did that day. Every day. Subject line can read: Daily Update. Then send it to your son, whether or not he reads it is not your problem. Just keep sending it every day until he understands. I did this with my MIL (not for your reasons, but just so that everyone was on the same page in distant states, and no one could ever say what your son does or say "I never knew..."). I listed as much minutiae and detail as possible, appointments, routines, outcomes, paperwork you had to fill out, bills to pay, things to manage, etc. You don't have to say how much time any of those things took. Have it be only factual with no commentary. I found this to be very cathartic and therapeutic. And as a byproduct, I DID get lots of appreciation, encouragement and kudos from family who had no idea how much time and effort was involved for 1-1/2 yrs solid while I was raising my own family and working full-time running a business. I wish you peace and encouragement!
Tell darling son to get is butt over to the house every morning by 7am to get Dad unto the toilet...clean his bedding and get breakfast made. He then needs to come back by 10:30 am to get Dad to the toilet...then every three days give him a shower and wash his hair. Then return by 4:30pm to get diner ready...and deal with sundowners.
if he won’t do that, then tell him point blank...what he is can be summed up by the old Indian saying...”heap big smoke and NO fire”
Is he ALWAYS abusive, or is he being "critical", ie "Dad is getting up enough" or "Dad isn't getting out enough" or this and that? How dependent is your husband on your care, and do you feel up to doing his care, feel fairly confident that all is going fairly well in the household. I am attempting to kind of comb out here what is "abusive" and what is "concerned and full of anxiety". Doe your son HELP you at all. Do you think that he could be projecting onto you some guilt he feels. Is there any more information, or a "for instance" that you can give me for further information, because it makes a huge difference if you just have a mean son (still remember the time, sitting on the bus, thinking of frustration about one of my daughters and coming to "Maybe you need to face the fact that one of your daughters isn't a real nice person, and get on with it best you can". Kind of an epiphany that freed me to still love, but to let loose). Wishing you luck.
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a terrible situation with your son. I don't believe you should be putting up with it, either. The few times my son was acting abusive towards me, I demanded the house keys back and told him not to show up again until he was going to treat me like a beloved mother instead of piece of garbage. He changed his tune rather quickly, fortunately, and we haven't had issues since.
Have you stood up to your son and actually told him you will not tolerate such behavior from him? What exactly is his problem with your care giving of his father? Would he prefer to do the care giving himself, if he's such an expert on the subject?
Perhaps a few more details will help us determine how to better advise you. Sending you a big hug.
He has actually flown down to check out the situation when he feels I am doing a particularly 'bad job' and is not uncomfortable telling me off.
DH has had 5-6 incidents of health crises and son has never been present for the day to day, but he sure can be mean about what he feels I am not doing. HAs he EVER offered to help? Never. He just takes my car and goes and hangs out with friends--like he's on vacation.
I had cancer last year and what did his father do for me? Absolutely nothing. I may as well have been invisible. Son never called, texted or emailed me during the entire 6 months of chemotherapy. I went to his home in WA for Thanksgiving and was SO SICK the whole week, I just could not eat and wanted to sleep all the time. What does son and his wife do? They call the family on Christmas and over SKYPE proceed to chew me out for being 'no fun' and 'uninvolved' and 'uncaring' during T-giving's visit. Broke my heart. Dh , of course, did not have my back and simply said "Well, you WERE pretty much MIA for the whole week". I was less than 5 weeks post chemo. Son said that was an 'excuse' and I should have been fine by then.
I have had to go grey rock with them---told them until they can be adults and not petulant children, I didn't want to talk to them. It's been about 6 weeks and have heard nothing at all from there. I may have to accept that this is what it is going to be forever.
It hurts so bad--but I am adapting to not having them and their kids in my mind, making me sad and sorrowful. Son's wife is a doctor, so she should KNOW that chemotherapy is the very devil, It took me to the brink of death---and they never cared.
This son had 2 brain surgeries in his early 20's and he begged me to not leave him alone at the hospital and I did not. 10 days for the first surgery--only went as far as my daughter's house to shower and borrow clean clothes--maybe 2 hours in a day, twice. The 2nd surgery, I NEVER left.
Hard to believe this jerk is the same boy who used to love and adore me.
if he won’t do that, then tell him point blank...what he is can be summed up by the old Indian saying...”heap big smoke and NO fire”
Wishing you luck.
Have you stood up to your son and actually told him you will not tolerate such behavior from him? What exactly is his problem with your care giving of his father? Would he prefer to do the care giving himself, if he's such an expert on the subject?
Perhaps a few more details will help us determine how to better advise you. Sending you a big hug.