It's so hard to understand how the people we love and trust the most, can't seem to comprehend that caring for a loved one is harder to do than caring for a stranger. When the person who has always been your anchor becomes your responsibility, you find yourself with no one to go to when you need advice, or a shoulder to lean on. We tend to look to the people next in line for help, only to find that they want nothing to do with your problems, and when you ask for their help, they see it as your not up to the task. We aren't asking because we can't handle it, we are asking for someone to bounce off our frustration, our need to have another person to confide in, someone to communicate with, since we no longer have that with the person we are helping. Your son is retaliating against you, because he knows he can't do what you are doing for your husband, he doesn't want any part of it. He is not going to admit this to you. I can guarantee that 98% of the people who are caring for a loved one at home, has never heard from another family member these words. "I give you credit for all you are doing, because the truth is, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't sacrifice my life to care for Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, whomever the person in need is." Think about it, how many marriages have broken apart due to a child who needs care 24/7? How many single parents are left to care for a child who is disabled? More than you know. One parent commits, the other goes off to live life without the pressure of dealing with a disabled child holding them down. But, the one who leaves ends up being nasty, and their attitude is negative, that's the guilt. Your best bet is not to share any information, or ask your son for any advice about your husband. Find someone who isn't related, who doesn't owe it to you to help, but has been in your position, and wants to listen to what you are going through. Family is not the answer, it's rare to find a family or even a family member who will share your burden. I think it should be more common, but in reality, it's what movies are made of, and not a reality. Maybe in the future, God knows, it was in the past, but not in today's world. Since my mother died, I've noticed ads that are trying to explain how hard it is for someone to care for a loved one, but that it is the best scenario for the person who needs care. No one loves you like your own family, or that one special family member who is willing to take care of you when the time comes. Hang in there, don't take what your son says to heart, your not doing what your doing for your husband to score brownie points with your son. Ok.
How awful. You do not have to put up with such things. Arrange to sit down with your son in the presence of another person who would be willing to mediate. Ask son specifically what he does not like and then you get to tell him WHY it's that way and why it's best. I imagine he will start running out of criticisms fairly quickly. If any of your son's points are potentially valid and are truly coming from his heart, he can express those in a civilized manner (with the mediator) and you get a chance to respond.
Your abusive son may be angry that he cannot help his father so you catch his crap.... OR he may just be a selfish little brat who never grew up! Or he may me plain mean to you and others! The key here is that whatever the reason his abuse is uncalled for and unacceptable! Try this suggestion IF you want. Sit him down with another person present who IS YOUR FRIEND to observe his behavior and listens to the conversation as a witness! Simply ask your son for 10 minutes to talk about something that is bothering you! Next ask this question, " DO YOU LOVE ME?" If he says yes or of course then say this. To love someone means that you care about them and DO NOT SAY OR DO THINGS THAT HURTS THEM! That is love. I do not know if you know that you keep saying things that hurts me.....give 2 examples..... Then say from THIS POINT ON I NEED EVERY WORD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH TO BE KIND, HELPFUL AND LOVING OR STOP TALKING, WALK AWAY, LEAVE THE HOUSE because your continued abuse is of no help during this VERY VERY difficult time for your favor and me! IF he listens and understand and is NOT defensive work it out and hold him to EVERY WORD HE SAYS IS KIND, LOVING AND HELPFUL NOT HURTFUL! If he gets defensive listen for a few minutes and see what he may say such as that he is sorry and he is hurting...this would be acceptable and refer him for therapy, through hospice! If he is not loving, or yells or says hurtful things tell him to leave and do not come back until he is willing to HELP MAKE THE SITUATION BETTER NY BEING, KIND, LOVING AND KIND! You can reach out to me Dr Jack Grenan jackgrenan@netscape.net I am a survivor of a 4 month coma while I fought 4 stage colon cancer for 3 years, with Love and Care Dr Jack
Carolfaye - I think we need more information. Is your husband still in your home? Does he have dementia? You may not want to answer this, but how old are you and your husband? Do you have any assistance taking care of your husband or someone to come in and give you a break? What is your son doing/saying? As you can see in the postings that have already happened...without more facts, we can only dream up what may or may not be going on. Let me be clear...no one has the right to abuse you. My first thought when I read your posting was that maybe you were in over your head and trying to "do it all" like many of us caregivers do and maybe it's past time to place your husband some place where he can get 24 hr round the clock care. It is virtually impossible to lift dead weight, so if he can no longer get to the toilet or shower...how are you handling that? Maybe your son has tried to talk to you about this many times and it fell upon deaf ears...I don't know. I assure you I am not trying to defend him, but I just can't imagine what he is so upset with you about. Please fill us in with more information and what ever you do....take care of yourself. Hugs.
What you put up with is what you get. Not all people have the ability to follow this advice, but it sure has helped me through the years.
OR he may just be a selfish little brat who never grew up!
Or he may me plain mean to you and others!
The key here is that whatever the reason his abuse is uncalled for and unacceptable!
Try this suggestion IF you want. Sit him down with another person present who IS YOUR FRIEND to observe his behavior and listens to the conversation as a witness!
Simply ask your son for 10 minutes to talk about something that is bothering you! Next ask this question, " DO YOU LOVE ME?" If he says yes or of course then say this. To love someone means that you care about them and DO NOT SAY OR DO THINGS THAT HURTS THEM! That is love. I do not know if you know that you keep saying things that hurts me.....give 2 examples.....
Then say from THIS POINT ON I NEED EVERY WORD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH TO BE KIND, HELPFUL AND LOVING OR STOP TALKING, WALK AWAY, LEAVE THE HOUSE because your continued abuse is of no help during this VERY VERY difficult time for your favor and me!
IF he listens and understand and is NOT defensive work it out and hold him to EVERY WORD HE SAYS IS KIND, LOVING AND HELPFUL NOT HURTFUL!
If he gets defensive listen for a few minutes and see what he may say such as that he is sorry and he is hurting...this would be acceptable and refer him for therapy, through hospice!
If he is not loving, or yells or says hurtful things tell him to leave and do not come back until he is willing to HELP MAKE THE SITUATION BETTER NY BEING, KIND, LOVING AND KIND! You can reach out to me Dr Jack Grenan jackgrenan@netscape.net I am a survivor of a 4 month coma while I fought 4 stage colon cancer for 3 years, with Love and Care Dr Jack