How to deal with mothers depression?

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Can you please tell me how is the best way to deal with depression when it comes to your mother. My mother looks so awful and she is 72. She looks so sad. She has every reason to be depressed though. Her life has been very hard and she takes care of my father who is in bad health. She cries about how hard it is to take care of him. I recently was able to get him into a Veterans home and I told my mother and she said she cannot afford for him to go because of the income he receives every month and she doesn't want them to take the home for back owed property tax. Myself I am in no shape to help financially, I have offered her to come live with me, but she says she will lose the house. I cannot help her. I do not live close either. I feel like I just have to watch my mother pass on due to her terrible situation and no help. It is complete torture. I even get upset with her now, something I thought could never happen. She always tells me that the sun isn't out and how dreary it is. Myself I have never minded this. But I am now afraid I will start to let it bother me. I have suffered depression most of my life due to my family and all the bad things that have happened I now have a special needs child and he needs me. I feel so guilty that I cannot do more for my mother. I sometimes think that I would be better off not here. But then my child needs me and I can't do that to him. Please help in any advice. I feel so alone in my guilt and suffering. Thank you.

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You sound very depressed too! This has to be taking a lot out of you. Your Mom has things pretty well boxed in for herself; though she can't stand going on with the caregiving, she also can't consider letting Dad go to the home you found because she can't imagine giving up the house, even though it could relieve her stress and let her have a chance to enjoy life. Depression does that to people - makes you so you can't see your way around any obstacles and leaves you feeling unworthy of having any hope or of receiving any help. Not that it isn't sad to say goodbye to your long time hom...I still grieve over my childhood home being emptied out and sold and its going on a year now. Mom lived there 54 years and it was fixed up the way she wanted it and liked it...but reality intervened, it became clear she could not go back to independent living, and we could not afford to both keep it and pay for her care. Neither of my parents were veterans or railroad employees, and the long term care policy they got suckered into didn't really cover very much for very long. So here's hoping the VA benefits will do some good and Mom and you can get support and counseling so there is a chance of getting some joy out of life again for both of you. If not, I would say that happiness adn family support is more important than home ownership, and it is not your fault that moving to be closer to you seems so out of the question. I don't mean to be mean, but your Mom does not have a right to stay depressed and drag you and her grandchild into the same pit by insisting on keeping her problems unsolvable. I'd bet dollars to donuts she also feels there is some "reason" she can't get any direct medical help for her depression either. It is not a conscious thing, rather a part of the vicious circle that is depression, but still, it is absolutely maladaptive. That's where "cognitive-behavioral therapy" comes in , to hep someone that their ways of thinking are keepign them trapped and sad almsot as much as theri situation is. What I am trying to say is - there is a GOOD reason you are getting aggravated with her, and it is NOT because you are a bad person/bad daughter.

God bless...
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I know I have said this so many times before, but get yourself an attorney that specializes in Elder Law. These attorneys are so knowledgable. My attorney knew of so many programs that I had no idea were even out there. He had information on Veteran Benefits and will even assist with all the paperwork. Good Luck.
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Your Mom does need help. If your father was a veteran he should qualify for AID AND ATTENDANCE help at home (which will be a relief for your mother).

Look into this little know benefit and help her with the paperwork so the application is processed quickly. It does take some time for the paperwork to be approved,but it is RETRO active from the date of application.

VeteransAid.org has information that will help. Please look into it so you feel like you are contributing more to your Mom's help!

Take one step at a time. God bless you.
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