How do you deal with your loved one not wanting you to visit?

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I want to be in an informed, involved caregiver for my mom, who is now 61 and has been in her secure memory facility for almost a year. Her concept of time is so confused now, that after about 15 mins she tells me its time for me to leave - and will get agitated if I don't. So I usually leave, even though it makes me feel horrid. The nurses know about it, and I can tell they feel sorry for me too. Sometimes I just call to check on her instead of driving up there to visit b/c it hurts for her to tell me to leave. I know she's happy, safe, and healthy. They take great care of her and she participates in all the activities and field trips. And enjoys it. She has a little bit of her own money and they manage that for her as well.

Anyone out there go through this?

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And you AREN'T throwing her away!! Not at all! You care a lot, that is obvious :0) and you are a gift to your Mom. Maybe after a few months of short visits she will allow longer ones but for now I think you should be happy in knowing your Mom is happy and you are a good daughter!
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Thanks everyone. Its just so hard. I know she is fine, and that if she is happy that is what matters, I should be grateful she likes it there and has her friends and fun. I think you may be right MiskaM, she thinks she has to be "normal" for me, whereas with her friends and the nurses she doesnt have to try. Maybe thats it, we just tire her out quick. She loves to see her grand daughters, but they get confused when she sends us away too. I know its my problem to "get over" but one of the last things she said to me before she was placed was "I know I have to go, but don't throw me away" and now its like, oh hey, its you. Well, good to see you, bye. LOL
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She wants short visits? Give her short visits! And try not to take it personally.

My mother is totally without a sense of time. If she asks for a sweater and I say "I'll get you one from the bedroom," I haven't even made it out of the room we're in and she'll say, "Jeanne, where is that sweater!" It is not that she is so demanding. It is that she doesn't know whether it has been 30 seconds or 30 minutes since she made the request!
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Short and sweet visits are absolutely OK - it may be all that she can process cognitively or handle emotionally. Just tell her hi, see what she needs, refill the candy dish or clean clothes or whatever, and take maybe just 10 or 12 minutes. She will be OK!
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Actually, you are lucky. Many patients don't want their relative to leave and cries about having to stay. My MIL gets very tired of carrying on a conversation and will ask people to leave. She has earned her peace and quiet.
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If your mom has memory issues like dementia/alzheimer's she won't be able to hold long conversations and may get irritated and want her space. You can stay 15 minutes then come back after 10 minutes and see if she remembers you visiting her prior to that. Otherwise, greet her as if she hasn't seen you since the day before.
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Hi MississippiMom, I don't have any experience with this, sorry. Would your Mom want you to leave for a few minutes to maybe a half an hour and then have you come back for another 15minutes? Could she be trying to hide some of her symptoms of memory loss from you and then gets tired of having to act "normal" and that is why she asks you to leave? Or maybe she just gets overwhelmed with visits and needs breaks from them? I would try to give her a break and then come back-can you go somewhere in the unit and relax by yourself and then come back for more visit time?
Try not to take it personally. I am sure no matter what this is a part of the disease and not a true reflection of how your Mom feels.
OR - maybe you could have a set routine with your visits and have her check them off with you as you are there. Like-1. Daughter enters room , takes off coat and sits down -2. We have a drink together ( if possible-coffee, tea, lemonade?)3. We look at small photo album4. We do a small puzzle together. 5. We take a bathroom break 6. Daughter gets coat and says goodbye and leaves. I would have that on a chart and check off each done activity. Of course do Activites tht you two like-I just threw those together. Maybe make the chart simple-

1. Daughter comes in
2. Drink lemonade
3.look at photo album
4. Complete a small puzzle
5.daughter leaves

You could use picture cues if needed next to each task.

Just some thought for you. Good luck!!
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