My 87 year old mother lives in senior housing ( not asst living) she is incontinent and house bound ( among many other health issues) . She wears depends but just throws the dirty ones in the open trash. I do her laundry and it is usually urine soaked. Her apartment smells. I try to tell her she has to put the used depends in a bag, tie it up and dispose of it ( like it was a diaper) but she doesn't. The smell doesn't seem to bother her but it really bothers me. She begs me not to put her in a nursing home. I feel like I age 10 years every time I visit her ( 1-2 times a week) I also do her food shopping and her bills. she has a cleaning woman come in 2X a month to vacuum and clean the bathroom but she "leaks" urine on the carpets and floors so it constantly needs to be cleaned so I wash floors while I'm there. We've asked her to move in with us but she does not want to. I work full time and am exhausted. ... any suggestions?

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Well, if it were me? I'd move her into assisted living where we had the ability to purchase many ancillary services a la carte. If she had the funds. If she didn't? I'd move her in with me and start investigating nursing homes and what mom had to do to qualify for Medicaid. With that planned temporary stay at your home, you could see whether or not you thought you could manage her there permanently, It might appease your conscience.

Your mom is going to get nothing but worse. She needs to be somewhere that has some mental stimulation for her -- people who smile and speak to her -- who keep her safe. She needs to be moved for her own safety, her mental health and YOURS.

There comes a time in the life of many seniors when they lose the right to choose. Sorry, they just do. Nobody, but NOBODY, is raising their hand and saying, "When I get old, move me out of my house!! Please!!" But most of the time? Especially with people your mom's age who live alone? That's exactly what should happen.

If mom gets skin ulcers from staying in urine-soaked Depends, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet. The sores are exquisitely painful and very slow to heal. All the while still living in the same soaked Depends that caused the problem in the first place.

Personally, I think you'll find it easier to take care of her if she's in your home than you do now. Since you say you work, you could put her in Adult Daycare. Mom's in one for $57 a day, 7:30 'til 5:30. Includes a nutritious lunch that's more like dinner. They make sure she gets to the bathroom (with two of them helping her) every two hours and change her Depends if she gets wet. They're wonderful.

Mom's incontinent, too. At the nursing home where she was for over 2 months, they kept her in diapers. Here at home, she's in Depends, and I walk her to the bathroom every two hours or so. I rarely have to change her briefs during the day.

Overnight, she's incontinent. Her bedding and clothing is soaked every morning. Right into the laundry it goes. She's in a hospital bed. I don't put sheets on the gel mattress, just wipe it down thoroughly with a Clorox disinfecting wipe. Easy-peasy.

Personally? If mom could be left alone? My caregiving for her would be simple. (Oh, don't get me wrong, not without frustrations galore.) We're in a great routine. Everything's set up for my convenience in giving her the care she needs. If I had to choose between the arrangement you have now and taking care of her at my house? It's my house hands-down.

I wish you well. It's a big decision.
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Do you really think this would be better if she lived with you? Then your house would smell and you would need to clean your carpet all the time. Is she throwing in the open trash because she forgets, is she lazy or being onery? You could make sure she has plenty of bags in the bathroom for disposal. Maybe write a note to hang in the bathroom. Tell her that it is becoming very difficult for you to visit because of the urine smell. Tell her she must comply. If not, that must mean she needs more care than you can provide. See what she says to that. I'm surprised the senior living managers aren't getting after her about this.
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