How do I deal with the guilt that I'm not allowed to do what I know would be best for Mom in just about every aspect of her life?
96 year old mother lives by herself, is adamant that she is Still In Control! But making mistakes mishears details & angry when I intervene? I am the only daughter involved in her care (I live 20 miles away, two sisters in other states have no interest or patience to step in to help me). Mother wants only what SHE wants how she wants it. (She's always been this way, it's just worse now because she DOES need my help all the time). No dementia, just old-age slowing down with comprehension, poor hearing which doesn't help her comprehension (!) but she won't admit her hearing is "bad". She's had 3-4 serious health crises in the past 8 years and amazingly recovers every time enough to go home. I guess my question is, how do I deal with the guilt that I am NOT ALLOWED to do what I KNOW would be best for her in just about EVERY aspect of her life? She won't let me hire helpers to come to her house. She expects people "should just WANT to help" her out and she shouldn't have to PAY for it. When she does hire landscapers to do yard work, for instance, she's terribly cheap and thinks it's fine to only pay $10 an hour. She's making mistakes when she writes checks (!), doesn't understand much of what people try to say to her (like the details about the yard work, when and what and how much), won't follow any doctor's advice, etc. etc. Since I can't just begin to use her money to start hiring help (which I have the power to do as I'm named on her accounts at the bank - and she has the funds available, thanks to my dearly departed Dad who provided well for her). Considering her age, her funds should be adequate to hire home health caretakers for many years so she can stay in her home... but... like she said last week when I asked the landscapers to call me if they had any questions, "WHY did they call YOU? This is MY business. I can handle my own business!" *Sigh*
I had to step back- they are still of sound mind and made choices. I also had to step back, because I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer in November with a hard journey ahead- my health cannot allow for the running I was in place to do for years. They have found neighbors to make meals, clean, take them to appointments, etc. I had a friend tell me a word that has blessed me: surrender. When I feel guilty I have not done enough... I surrender it to God.
The only thing you can put your foot down on is safety. If the steps are caving in, you hire someone to fix them, don't tell her until the day they get there.
If she drives badly, you write a request to DMV to give her a road test.
Mom needed a hospital bed, so I ordered one. She was in an uproar until she took a nap on it. Then she insisted she pay for it. I said no, she became more insistent and handed me a check. She walked away thinking she had won the battle. Be sneaky.
Do as much as you can get away with. Sometimes you get caught and get lectured or yelled at, no big deal. However, pick you battles. Some things are just not worth world war 3. If my Dad likes his disgusting, filthy old recliner what do I care. if Mom needs in home nursing care after surgery, that's going to happen no matter what he does. Ya gotta play hardball sometimes.
This is a good discussion. My point is to just do what is most productive for your situation whether it's fibbing, tricking or gentle reasoning. As I was first getting into the caregiving role I had lots of guilt. OMG! Should I have installed a $10000 home safety warning medical alert fire alarm system with ejection recliners?!
I'm better now. I still get stressed out, they can drive me nuts, but guilt? Nope.
Babara
In another world, compassion and understanding is the order of the day. There is no law against being opinionated or driving everyone away. None of us would have willingly, in hindsight, signed up for abuse, being ordered around, criticized, or anything related to what your Moms plans are for you. The truth is, you may both be more in agreement of what she requires than you know. But, she will require a pound of flesh and your self-esteem from you, and not from others. Let her hire help.
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