Buy me this, buy me that. Won't pay for a dang thing. How do you deal?

"No" is a complete sentence. My husband's parents are both retired with income and got a BIG chunk of money from husband's grandmother. They still want their sons (both with kids in college and wives with cancer survivor issues) to pay for things or provide free services. A lot of narcissists just don't understand why you don't put their needs first. Just. Say. No.

It's very freeing to tell someone who's been manipulating you, that it's not possible for you to do X. And then move to another topic. I think we get cast in the role of child for life, and we sometimes forget that as adults, we are allowed to tell our elders that no, we can't do that, without any additional explanation.

So true, Linda. The other day I was thinking about getting another dog. I couldn't shake the feeling I needed to get permission from someone - who, my mom? I finally said to myself "Rainmom, you're an adult. If you want to get a new dog - get the freakin' dog!

She tells you she wants you to buy a laptop; you explain why you can't. I'm wondering why you feel there's any need to explain at all why you can't afford a laptop for her.

I'm going to take a step back and venture that the friction isn't about the food or the computer or other issues. It's about control and manipulation, and she's literally got you around her finger. She complains, you feel an obligation to respond or explain.

To me, that's the critical issue.

How do you deal with someone who won't pay for a dang thing? Let her do without.

Just say no.

"I could pick that up for you. Are you paying by cash or a credit card?"

"Maybe you should pay a little more and enjoy the fruit longer."

If grandmother has been firmly attached to her money all her life, don't expect her to change now. But that does NOT obligate you to pay for things she won't buy for herself.

Just say no.

"I will help you shop for one, but if it is for you - you pay for it" What is the big deal? She gets mad? So................ does lightning strike you? (A little joke- my therapist assured me that lightning would not strike when I set boundaries with my mom. She was right)

Evermore - don't kid yourself about the not bathing - it was the first symptom my mom showed and unfortunately I just wrote it off as her being her usual quirky self. As far as the computer goes - since she knows how to use one, tell her - "sure, I'll go pick out one for you but I think you're gonna have to give me cash cause I'm sure the store won't let me use your credit card".

I do not think it's a good idea for mentally fragile elders to use computers unsupervised. Computers tend to make people antisocial and older people, some of whom are already difficult to motivate to engage, need to interact with their peers much more than they need to stare at a computer screen. Why won't your grandmother use the computers at I'm sure are available at the senior center or library? Is it because she doesn't want to bathe and get out of the house? That your granny isn't bathing is a much bigger cause for concern than her cheapness and pestering you to buy her a computer.

I just would like to add that if I had known that my cousin was having such mental decline, confusion, fear, etc. I would have been more understanding and attentive. I admit that I thought she was being silly by asking for my help. I mean, who can't go and buy sheets by themselves, right? I am so sorry that I did not see what was happening and that she really did need help with purchases. She was scared to drive and to be in a large store as she got confused. Later, it all made sense.

It sounds like you have built up many years of frustration with your grandmother and her request for a laptop is kind of the final straw. I'm thinking about her generation. My MIL is in her 90s and so frugal that she's terrified she will run out of money, even though she's fine and lives in a very cheap apartment and gets half her meals from her friends who take her out and cook for her. It might have something to do with living through the Depression. My parents are in their 80s and keep every single leftover in the fridge or freezer, part of it is dementia but the other part is the memory of having it drilled into them as kids -- never throw anything away. She might think a laptop is cheap enough that you can afford to buy her one, or she might think a laptop is too expensive for her to buy it herself, or she might just feel she needs your advice and help with it (although she sounds like a pretty tech savvy granny!) I'd just smile and say "that's a nice idea grandma but you know I can't afford it, otherwise I'd love to buy you a laptop" and leave it at that. She sounds like a character, but you only get one or two grandmas in your lifetime, so find the most loving way you can to let her know you're not her personal cash machine. Then make sure you're taking care of yourself! You do sound like you're strained to the breaking point. If counseling is covered by your insurance, it might be a big help. Good luck and hang in there!