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I have posted on here before, about caring for my father who was abusive during my childhood. I've been caring for my father in my home since January 2021. My brother has been here 1 time to give me a break. And he stayed about an hour. Anyway, fast forward. I am struggling. Caregiving is hard enough with out adding the dynamic of past abuse. So, I have spoke to my brother about selling my dad's house to pay for care or possibly a Skilled nursing facility (my dad is also aware that I am selling his house so I can pay for help). I am working with a realtor. My dad's house was full of stuff and the yard was full of junk too. On the advice of the realtor, we needed to clean up the yard and house. My brother said he would take care of it. A few weeks went by and he didn't do a thing.
So I hired a guy with a trailer to help remove the junk. He hauled away about 3/4 of the junk (most of what was left was his stepkids furniture). So, My brother said not to pay anyone he would finish up the next weekend. That weekend passed and he didn't do a thing.
At the advice of a lawyer, I gave him a deadline. When I did that, the sh!t hit the fan. He did a 180 on me and started cussing me and insulting me, then hung up on me. But not before he made a remark that he is not getting sh!t out of this. I was very hurt and angry. I didn't want to see his face, or hear what he had to say since then. So I blocked him. Done with him. I sent a certified letter giving them 30 days to remove the furniture and other stuff. He started texting my husband to get to me, with more insults. And also texted my husband that I am going to sell the house and keep all the money to myself.
So, it's obvious where his priorities lie. He could care less about my dad, or me. Over the last 3 years that I have been caring for my dad in my home (on and off) he has visited less than 5 times. I have to ask him to visit. I am so sad that my brother did this 180, is being hurtful and not helpful. He wants money from the sale of my dad's house. If I didn't have to account for it all when Medicaid gets involved I would just give him the money and tell him not to ever contact me again. I am so sad. I know I don't have to see him for 30 days, but the conflict hits me right in the heart. Thanks for being here for me to get this off my chest.

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RCvela, I apologize if I missed this, but the determination of what your brother gets, either from a house or other assets, is what your father has provided in either a will, or a pourover will with a Living Trust, or through documents on which he's listed as an heir, or has jointownership.

It's unfortunate that he isn't helping you with care, but (and perhaps sadly), it's irrelevant to determination of what he'll inherit.
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rcvela001 Oct 2021
I don't care what he inherits. I am bothered that my dad is not even dead yet and he's concerned with what he will get and he wants it now.
My dad is not good enough for him but his money is.
He doesn't care about me or our dad. The money from the sale is going towards his care. I need to hire nurses and eventually he will go into a full time care facility. And when he does, he will eventually need medicaid.
Medicaid goes back several years into finances. I have to account for everything. I can't just let my brother take half of it.
All this makes me sad.
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I am so sorry for this stress on you and your husband. I am happy that you asked for help on this forum, most people are supportive and very knowledgeable. Also you went to an attorney, smart move. You cannot force a sibling to do anything to help, to visit, to call, to contribute or even to love. So what you did was smart, you had no other choice. My mother sold her house and saved the proceeds for 22 years, she went without to give the money to me an my sister. Fine, except I bought her clothes, shoes, gave her furniture, a TV, so she would have something nice. I even grew her savings. My sister, 4 hours away visited 2X, I had to bring Mom to visit her, pay for gas, a hotel and kennel my dogs. When Mom got too old and could not make the trip, they did not see each other again for 10 years. There were few cards, Mom saved them, and a few calls. Fast forward to 2020, Mom gets cancer and has 10 weeks to live. I begged my sister to call and FaceTime with Mom. So she did one time, protesting, her hair was a mess. After Mom’s death I learned that we were beneficiaries on everything equally, so the will and last wishes were nullified. My sister refused to pay for anything to do with Mom’s care or her funeral, so I was out around $20K on credit cards. She texted me that Mom wanted her to have her life insurance, despite several documents saying pay for my funeral with my life insurance. My point is that I was an idiot, I allowed my sibling to manipulate me for 22 years and then called me the day after the funeral (right she could not come) to tell me what was wrong with it. So your brother does not deserve anything from your Dad or from you. Do what you need to do legally to let Medicaid take over. You are strong and smart and you will not make mistakes like I did. Please vent often to get it out and to get advice. If your brother never speaks to you again, it will be ok. God bless!
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I wish you'd had a caregiving agreement in place, so you could have been paid. I guess in your B's eyes you should be the one to do all the caregiving for free? (Actually, even more that this, I wish you'd never agreed to move your father in!)

Who has POA to sell the house? I hope it's you!
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Seems you know how Medicaid works. The house needs to be sold at Market value. The proceeds go into an acct for Dads care. None of it can be given as a gift. (Actually no one is entitled to money of a parent till Dad is passed) The money needs to be spent down and then Medicaid applied for, 90 days before you run out.

My SIL was POA for her Mom and sold her home for a good price. First thing out of her sister's mouth was how much was she going to get.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
JoAnn29,
I bet your SIL's sister was unpleasantly surprised by getting nothing or next to.
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Someone needs to put it in terms your brother will understand. NO ONE is getting anything from the sale of your father's house. All the proceeds from it will be going to the care facility he's put in. At first he'll be on what is called private-pay. That means the facility gets paid every month in cash until his bank accounts and the proceeds from the sale of his house have been spent in payment to the care facility. Then he goes on Medicaid.
To be honest with you, your best bet would be to just to have the realtor list your father's house for sale 'as is'. There's really no point in even cleaning the place up and trying to get the best price. It will all be going to a nursing home anyway, so why trouble yourself with the stress of trying to get them even more cash before Medicaid starts paying?
Forget about your brother. He hasn't done anything to help and I'm sure won't be helping out in the future.
Make things easier in yourself and just have the realtor take care of everything by listing the property for sale 'as is'.
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Mysteryshopper Oct 2021
Good idea. I did this for someone - sold the house "as is." I believe my parents also did the same thing for a lady many years ago - also a Medicaid situation. That said, I was aggressively questioned during the Medicaid application as to why I had sold "as is" because the price I got was below market value. It was very accusatory and it really raised my blood pressure. In my state, houses must be sold at a price which can't be lower than market value by whatever percent if Medicaid is being sought. Fortunately, I had proof that all the repairs and things that needed to be brought up to code were too costly to seriously consider doing, so I had lowered the price (by roughly the amount needed for repairs) and sold as is. I'm just relaying my experience and make sure if you drop the price below market value (especially if you're dropping it by a lot) that you have the justification as to why. My lady's house needed thousands in plumbing and electrical work. I think there was also some plastering and cement work, etc. (The one my parents helped out with had a roach infestation among other issues.) Expensive stuff and not even enough money to hire workers to do it. I sold "as is" and never regretted it. Just make sure you understand the Medicaid law in your state regarding selling below market value. After I initially explained it, I was never questioned on the selling price again.
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Hang tight! The sale of Dad's house is for his care needs - every penny.
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Caregiving issues and money can really bring out the worst in family members. Or I guess their true colors? Sounds like he is being greedy and misunderstanding the situation. Selling dad's house doesn't mean that he will never get anything but if you need the money to pay for help at home or for a nursing home, that's obviously going to cost a lot of money and you can NOT give any of it to your brother or to yourself in case he eventually needs to go on Medicaid if/when he runs out of money.

Your husband should block him. Don't listen to his negative cruel comments. It's sad that he is acting like this, but now you know what he's really like. You can not count on him or trust him to do what's right. Well, I guess we can give him a little teeny bit of a break for maybe just being ignorant on how Medicaid works. Although it is hurtful, you can try to just remind yourself that it isn't worth getting into it with him and if he chooses to be that way, you can choose to not have him and that negativity in your life.

Sorry that you're dealing with all this....
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2021
No teeny bit of a break, sorry, its dad's house and his money from the sale. Doesn't matter how Medicaid works, it's all dad's until he dies or spends it all.

You are more gracious then I am in these situations. Been there done that and cannot believe how low people can be with greed.
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