How to deal with narcissistic family members?

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My Grandmother who is 95 , I have been her primary care giver for 5 years. I only had the assistance of my husband to help with daily duties. My husband and I at the same time still had small children to take care of. I did it because i truly loved my Grandmother my whole life. Unfortunately Grandma needed more extensive care because, she is non ambulatory. I was able to get her into a fabulous nursing home. I am only child and my father passed away young. My grandmother had a few nieces and a nephrew , she did stay close with over the years. However, during her stay with me they hardley ever visted or helped me out in anyway.
The prognosis for Grandma, is not good. She is 95 and is not going to live forever. I am the POA, and family members are resentful ,because of this. After my grandmother was admitted to the facility ; I needed to place My husband and I on the list for contact and medical correspondent. I added her two nieces out of courtesy. My Grandmothers so called nephew who is really a cousin. It began has friendly vists to see Grandma. He would come and vist between his part time job since he is retired. He nerver called to tell me he was visting , i reached out to him to thank him for visting my Grandmother. He started to become aggressiveness towards to staff at the facility. He was demanding to found out medical information on my Grandmother. The head nurse told him he is not on the list and she could not give out any information due to our laws. The nurse stated why are you not asking your Aunts grandaughter. The nurse said " maybe you should mend the fence "
He stated i cant help it, because she had autistic child since she had a child late in life. By the way i had my son at 39 i hardly call that old. He also continued to deformations about my husband. We also, never had words with this man and we had no kind of relationship with him. The head nurse reported him to social services. I had to confront him and told him he was no longer permitted to vist. By the way he denies what he said and blamed the nurse. My problem is when Grandma, passes i do not want him at the funeral. Some family members tried to bully me. Also, i took my grandmothers one niece off the list. I believe these two were
Starting to cause trouble. Once again when Grandma passes I will nerver see any of these people again. I do not welcome this nephrew, at my grandmothers ,funeral while i am grieving.


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YannaAnna - first, and I know you know this - the age giving birth and autism have nothing to do with each other. I was 31 when I had my beautiful baby boy, who has autism. That ignorant comment just shows this guys true colors - his lack of compassion and his ability to hit below the belt. That said, I don't think barring him from the funeral will do anything but stir up more hateful accusations and bad feelings. I do think if the nursing home doesn't want him visiting you should support them. If he does continue to visit make sure the NH knows he is not allowed to take her from the property. When the time comes for the funeral I'd suggest following pfontes advice - hold your head high, be gracious. Don't give this guy any ammunition to make you appear to be unreasonable. He's the bad guy here.
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Thank You for your lovely and kind comments. You are right and my Grandmother, loved and prayed for all.
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Yanaanna - there's no excuse for the crap these family members are putting you through - clearly you've done an excellent job of looking after your grandmother with no help from them.

I know you're angry now,,,,but when you've had a chance to calm down and think about it, I suggest that you might want to reassess your decision about your grandmother's funeral. A funeral is for the living, but it is also about carrying through with what the deceased would have wanted. Would Grandma want you to keep folks away from her funeral?

Family members (including folks you never would suspect) can act pretty darn awful when someone is nearing the end of their life. It was like vultures circling when my Grandmother passed at 92. I could barely stand to look at some of my cousins - BUT,,,despite how I felt about they way they acted, Granny loved them. Because she loved them and we all needed that final ceremony to say goodbye to her, I didn't try to stop anyone from coming. Due to the circumstances it was a stressful day for me - but once it was over and everybody went home I was done with these folks.

Grieving will go far beyond the funeral. With the dynamics involved you may have to hold your grief and your tongue for just one more day....but it will be the LAST day you have to be around these people. Having folks "uninvited" to the funeral will be harder & cause more problems than just letting things flow one more time. I encourage you to hold your head high, be magnanimous and allow those who have been problematic to attend the funeral. There aren't any "do-overs" when it comes to a funeral. You'll know in your heart that it was the right thing to do.

God bless you, sweetie & good luck.
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