I'm new here, and not entirely sure if anyone will take the time to read or reply to this, but I thought it might be worth a shot.
My 98 year old grandmother was finally recently diagnosed with dementia, Alzheimer’s, and ovarian cancer (about 2 weeks ago now) after a recent trip to the emergency room due to breathing issues (the cancer has metastasized to her lung). She is not allowed to return home, and is now in a recovery facility, then will be moved to a nursing/care facility. She has been given an estimated two months life expectancy.
About 5 years ago after the deaths of my father, mother, and uncle (it’s been a ROUGH few years for me, folks) she made my older sister & myself both the trustees of her estate as we are now her only living relatives (and we were buddies!).
About one year ago (before her diagnoses) she began to accuse my sister and myself of stealing from her (we live in a different state). Telling her neighbors, and our family friends that we have “done terrible things” to her. She refuses to take our phone calls, see us, and is saying that she needs to hire an attorney (she now wishes to leave her estate to her hairdresser...And no...I’m not making that up).
In the beginning of the accusations she would still speak to us (me more so than my sister, though my poor sister is just as innocent as I am). It was always difficult, and brief. I would tend to attempt to correct her in a gentle way. “Grammie, I’m not entirely sure why you think I would ever steal from you, but I can assure you that isn’t true”. “Yes, I did mail you that book you wanted, but I paid for it with MY credit card. Not yours”. “No, Grammie. You gave me those photos...you really don’t remember that?”. Etc. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.
My grandmother and I were VERY close when I was growing up. She lived around the corner from my childhood home, and she was more of a parent to me throughout my adolescence and young adulthood (I’m 31 now) than either of my parents were, so to say that these false accusations and refusal to even speak to me feels like a knife through the heart is an extreme understatement.
I want nothing more than to be with my grandmother/parent during her last remaining days (I have taken an extended leave from work to be in California where she is).
Respectfully & graciously, my questions for everyone are:
1: HOW and DO you handle false accusations made by someone with dementia and Alzheimers? Is there anything that can be done? Or is this just NOW their new mental state, and will be their mental state until the end?
2: As insensitive as this one may be; if she has been deemed by a Neuropathologist incapable of making rationale, cognitive decisions, DOES she legally have the ability to alter or change her most recent will in any way? Because I highly doubt that her hairdresser would have the ability to handle making arrangements for her care and settling her estate. Also, WE’RE her ONLY living relatives!
3: How do you guys “deal”? Because I’m having a hell of a time right now.
My sincere THANK YOU to anyone and everyone who has taken the time to read this. Especially to anyone who takes the time to respond to my desperate pleas for help. I just...need a little guidance.
All the best to you all.