So last year I took my mother in and have been caring for her. I went to see her across country and saw what bad shape she was in alone so I moved her here. She's 89 and in total decline. When she first got here last fall she was walking, could fix simple meals, shower, hold a conversation, etc. Now she's bedridden, barely knows who anyone is anymore, needs care like a baby (diapers, bathing, etc.).
It's hard but but the thing I really struggle with is that she abused me my whole life. She was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive my whole childhood and I spent decades as an adult trying to undo some of the damage she did and trying to live with what I couldn't undo.
We were not on good terms when I took her in; barely kept in touch. But she literally had no one left. . . I'm an only child, adopted at that. All her siblings are dead, my dad is long gone, her nieces & nephews barely speak to her. My two adult kids barely speak to her, they had it with her long ago because she was horrible to them.
My youngest lives with me and he's disabled so I care for him as well, she's stressing him out.
When I took her in she didn't qualify for nursing home care and couldn't afford it. I couldn't leave her to die. Last time we checked with insurance here she didn't qualify for a nursing home but she did qualify for a full-time aide, which has helped (though she doesn't like to let them do things for her and waits for them to leave then asks me, at least there is someone to babysit her 8 hrs per day so I can work and do other things).
Sometimes when she gets mean her health care providers try to explain it's the dementia, for me though when she's mean she sounds more like her old self. It's when she's nice I think the dementia is at its worst.
Anyway, sorry this is so long, but there are times when it feels like old wounds are being ripped open and I wonder why I put up with this, but I don't even think I really have a choice because I just feel like she's my responsibility.
Anyone else going through something similar? How do you cope?
Over and over again, I read here the advice that those who have been abused to not be the person with hands on care of their abusive parent. With that said, would you mother not qualify for medicaid to pay for her going to a nursing home?
I wish you the best and am sorry for your past of being abused. Sounds like you are experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome from your being abused in the past. Please take care of yourself and get her somewhere else.
Do you just happen to have durable and or medical POA for her?
Getting out of being here direct care giver and what impact that may or may not have on her is nothing to feel guilty about. It's a boundary that needs to be in place. Too often the abused ends up having more love for the abuser than the abuser has for the abused. That's a trap. It's like a time bomb that they planted in your soul to keep you form fully taking care of yourself. Take care of you and your child. Those are your primary responsibility. She's made her bed.
She qualified for medicaid but they're short on bed space, that's why they sent the health care attendants and are going to re-assess every 6 months if she needs more hours of home attendants or if she needs to just be put in a home.
Your child is deserving of every bit of strength you can muster moving forward. I encourage you to put your Mom in the care of the State should you need to back away from hands on caregiving and I assure you they will treat her with more dignity and respect than she afforded you. I am sorry for the amount heaped on your plate. I hope it will somehow get easier for you. Hugs headed your way.
Memories are so hard to deal with. PTSD is real and it applies to all trauma, not just a battle field.
I see a therapist. It will help you sort things out in your head and heart.
Best wishes to you. Hugs.
You and your child need your lives back.
I feel a bit guilty too, I know putting her in a home will finish her off, it'll just kill her will to live.
Truth be told, I don't honestly think my mother deserves the care that I provide. She certainly takes it for granted. I have friends who know my history with her and they ask, "why are you even helping her", and the answer that I give them is what I want to share. I don't do it for her. I do it for me. I was raised, more or less, by my grandmother who taught me family values including compassion, empathy, and that you take care of family who can't take care of themselves. I was taught to be kind, even when it's not reciprocated. I'm a caring person. I know that if my mother were to die living in squalor, or homeless, I would feel guilty. I would feel guilty for not helping when I know I could. I know I will never have the mother/daughter relationship I wanted or deserved. I'm not helping her because she deserves it. I'm investing in my future peace of mind. Knowing I helped in her final years (and at end stage COPD, these are her final years), and that I did what I could to make her comfortable, I will not have guilt later. I know I shouldn't feel guilt, but I know my psychology. Regardless of whether she deserves my help, I would feel guilty for not giving it anyway. That's just who I am.
So I wouldn't think of what you are doing to help her as doing it for her. You do whatever you need to do ease your pain later. You feel this is the right thing to do, whether or not she is grateful, or even deserving given your past. Your help is an investment in your future peace of mind. You won't have the "if I only had ___" moments. You'll know you did what you could. Honestly, it's the only mindset that has helped me deal with the moments when I just want to throw my hands in the air and quit. I hope that helps.
Maybe you would benefit from seeing a therapist now for their objective support. As a victim of abuse myself, I would say you have a non battle field version of PTSD. Please take all measures to take care of you and don't take any prisoners on the way!
Is there a nursing home with openings near or further away! Your own health and that of your child are at stake.
I know this is not an answer to the OP, but others have provided answers and suggestions that any additional comment is not necessary.
I don't know if it's really just that generation - there are plenty of people addicted to opioids or alcohol these days that probably will leave a similar legacy for their kids - but in my own family's case, I know there was some mental illness in my mom (and with abusive people in general). That generation had a real stigma about seeking treatment for depression, anxiety or any other type of mental illness, so they frequently just didn't and it ran rampant, unchecked. Availability of self-help options and receptivity to them is a relatively recent phenomenon that is more readily acceptable now than it was back then.
I applaud you for doing what you think is right, but your son's needs come before your mother's, and you must take care of your own mental health and emotional well-being in order to be truly present for your son. It's unfortunate that abusive parents often put us in the position of choosing between them and our own children, but it's all too common. Hugs to you---I wish you well.
Lots of great experiential advice on this site...you are going to find your pathway through this.
When your mother is next assessed, you need to stand firm on the fact that her being in your house is negatively impacting your disabled son. No amount of paid for caregivers will offset the damage she is doing to your son.
If need be, get your son's doctor to write a note on how detrimental her being in your house is for you.
If she has to go to the hospital for any reason, refuse to bring her home. Often here you will see posts saying it is an unsafe discharge for the parent. In your case it is an unsafe discharge for your child.
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