How to deal with anger as a caregiver?

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How to deal with anger as a caregiver?

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I hate to suggest this... but this works. I went to my primary doc for my torn rotator, and while I was there I had a total meltdown! I didn’t plan on it, it just happened. I started to cry when I described taking care of dad- anger, frustration, constant worry, and she saw immediately how much stress I was under. She gave me 10 Xanax. Never before have I ever taken anything like it! I rarely take a Tylenol!
She said to take it when I feel myself unraveling. I have had it for 3 months and I’ve taken a half of one pill! It’s probably just mental- knowing that I have the pills in case I need them....

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Glad you are careful with that med. It is addictive.

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Definitely follow through with the idea of seeing a therapist and consider antidepressants. This sounds like clinical depression to me (judging by my symptoms I got help for it. ) No surprise that depression has set in considering your emotional pain over your husband coupled with your physical pain. Treat this depression like the disease that it is. Good luck.

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I separate myself and create boundaries. My mother is 84 and exhibits horrible behavior. On Thanksgiving night, as we were all leaving my son's home, she dramatically banged on the wall and said she was going to "kill herself" if her issue with the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) is not resolved (another long story).

She said this in front of the entire family, including my grandchildren and younger cousins. Soooo....that was my limit until AFTER Christmas. She is not going to ruin my holiday.

I've enlisted the assistance of a cousin for Christmas Day who has agreed to take her to dinner. I will be with my kids in a peaceful environment. I refuse to allow her behavior to affect my health. I am not taking any medication but I do take natural supplements, get acupuncture and massage which is getting quite costly. I also belong to a gym that is open 24/7...This helps immensely.

As far as her threats are concerned...we (family) are all on top of it. She's very dramatic. It's not the first time she has said it...and I have warned her after the last episode...that if the wrong person hears this...or if she says it one more time to me or any other family member, it's a short drive to the psych ward.

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Thankfully, DH does not have horrible behavior; just very annoying things he does irritate me after 6 years of care—I’m so glad you’ll have a happy stress free Christmas!

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When u find the answer let me know. I too am experiencing the same issue. I do t live with my mother but am here for three weeks for the holidays and am even having trouble coping just for that short time. One issue is because y two siblings are doing their part and it's coming to light while I am here just how much they are not doing. I live in Florida for the winter and usually take mom with me and have done so for 7 years but can no longer handle getting her there and back but am fearful for leaving her also and the guilt I am feeling is adding to my anger. I do have the Aging Office sending someone in for 3 hours a week but mom is fighting me on that. I find myself being short with her even though I know she can't help her forgetfulness. I do suggest getting on an antidepressant to take the edge off and try to get assistance from. Your Area on Aging even if it's just a couple hours a week so u can get out.

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I don’t know how you do what you already do, Karbar! If I find a doable answer I will surely let you know!

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With plans to visit with a therapist, a bit of assistance from kids, social time with friends, and some exercise time, I hope these combined efforts will help you. They gave helped me tremendously, plus I taks an antidepressant. (Started that years before I became my folks' care manager, though)

Please find ways to take care of you.

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Will do, Thankyou! 👍🏻👍🏻

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Time to stop this before you are permanently ill. Martyrdom comes in many forms. Very sad indeed and sounds as if it is completely out of control. If therapy doesn’t cause you to make a long term change then it is t worth it expressing your anger is a beginning but sounds as if your caretaking I torturing you. Sometimes you simply have to choose your own welfare over others’.

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After reading all the wonderful replies to my situation; I am taking every available chance to take good care of myself—one day at a time

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For why? Money, logistics, just don't fancy it/more trouble than it's worth..?

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Money & logistics & more trouble than its worth

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What about that proper break, then.

What about planning a week away, with the budget to include a high quality live-in caregiver, supervised by the children on a rota, while you go away somewhere - beautiful and tranquil or hip'n'happening according to preference?

Is it do-able?

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No—

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You do have things to be angry about, eh. Bloody hell!

Dealing with inappropriate anger is one thing. Dealing with entirely appropriate anger, now...

Of course the trouble is that it is bad news for you, and makes you feel worse.

Don't yell at me (though you can if you like, actually) - has anyone suggested a pain clinic? I appreciate you have had lots of people poking your back with a stick and "let's try..."-ing; but the point of a pain clinic, specifically, is that it takes a holistic approach rather than picking up problems one at a time and hoping to solve them individually. They're not stingy with analgesia, but I expect they'd probably also suggest things like low-dose amitriptyline and CBT - just guessing now, obviously.

You're clearly already doing a lot of the right things - busy social life, good support network, plenty of exercise, dog.

Which of them would you say is the best tension-reliever so far?

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I have been to 2 pain clinics—I am going to hook up with a therapist (also CBT) this coming week—best tension reliever so far is going to lunch with friends & the time away lasting up to 5 hours!

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Jackies, you need to talk to your doctor, or to a geriatric psychiatrist. It sounds as though you are fast approaching burnout.

Anger crying, irritability? They are all symptoms of depression. Have you considered getting and evaluation for that?

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I thought of trying online support group first but I am going to make an appt with a therapist

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Have you thought about a move for you both to a supportive living environment?

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I feel we are in a supportive living environment now—our own ranch house with caring adult children nearby to assist as needed—friendly caring neighbors—we don’t need assisted living at this time—I just need to control my anger with my whole situation

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Bleeding ulcers - if it's not too personal a question, were they to do with pain relief side effects? Are the gut issues under reasonable control now?

Did the very real health issues come up before or after your husband began his decline?

Hardly like to ask, but if or when you look ahead at the shape of things to come, what are your thoughts about that?

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Genuine down time for a week or two happens when I get admitted to the Hosp with: high BP, bleeding ulcers, bowel surgery for infected diverticulitis-I got a month respite that time due to my infection & it was a wonderful break—-those were good for me cause I was able to really rest & just think about my health—-DH going out with an unknown group will not work—he doesn’t like meeting new people & likes his ‘safe haven’, his house. The dog is attached to me like Velcro but will jump on my DH lap when I’m not available—otherwise my 8 yo dog relies on me for everything. Adding to my anger is my constant pain (like a sciatica pain that goes from my arthritic back down my butt to my ankle—if I’m on my feet for too long my ankle swells & the pain is unbearable—to do any housework I have a rolling walker & go room to room & sit to do a lot of chores. I have another rolling walker in car that I use to take dog for walk or to walk long distances. A lot of my anger is not being able to do things that must be done without cane or walker—also, I don’t know how whining about my life on these pages will help me to curb my anger

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I thought of it like lancing a boil, putting the problems down in black and white. I think the first time I posted on the forum I was fit to be tied about a family situation and had got myself into quite a state about it. What a relief it was to find that I was normal, but was not seeing straight...

But you have more material issues, and I don't think in-patient admission counts as respite care.

So. Now what?

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Jakes, I'm sorry to have vanished so quickly - I'm in the UK and therefore tend to keep unsocial hours :)

I so feel for you. Small irritations become unbearable when your time is so taken up with the serious big issues.

Is there a day centre or anything like that your husband might go to? It would be a change of occupation for him, and would help him get tired - in a good way, I mean.

What about local resources? - caregivers' groups, specialist organisations, that sort of thing.

And what about proper respite breaks? Genuine down time for a week or two, at regular intervals?

How old is the dog? Does he provide companionship for DH too or has he become more dependent on you as time has gone on?

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Hubby does not drive anymore

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I used to work for a company called Home Instead. I would go to people’s homes, giving their caregivers’ a break 2-3 times a week for 4-5 hours. Helped bathe them, cooked, cleaned, read to them, encouraged activities they liked. I’m not a nurse so the on medical duty I could do was give them their meds. We enjoyed each others’ company. The cost was very reasonable. You may find it a huge relief

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Husband very underweight therefore I’m always making sure he eats enough—I make up the daily meds for him then have to constantly remind him to take them—he doesn’t remember what I told him an hour ago—is constantly watching just news & weather on TV—does nap so I get a 1-2 hr break there—he is a gentle soul & I feel so bad getting angry all the time—plus he’s getting deafer; so it’s always “what did you say???” I grit my teeth!——I just started pool exercise 3x/week—& I can leave him safely to go to lunch with friends etc—but I find in the last week or so this built up anger that almost makes me cry cause I can’t stop it!! It’s focused on hubby, my attention demanding dog, my friends who might need me to do something, my deaf friends (can’t stand the question, WHAT DID YOU SAY?) & now the anger at people who do dumb things while driving

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I think ur "anger" is a form of anxiety or actually worry. I care for my 83 yr old parents. I just turned 50. Im married. 1 son 20 an another 15. Husband is 55. Ive been caregiver for 6 yrs. Each yr its more an more. Slowly taken over my life. Neither drive. Dad is narcissistic an Mom is a martyre co - dependent. Their whole married life. Its ALL ABOUT DAD AN HAS BEEN. Screw my Mom. But when something happens to her he over does the crying or upset over whats wrong with her if its something big like in hospital eyc. But if something little like her back going out an I spend night, he all of sudden is hurting about something. He doesng like her getting all the attention. He wants attention. Negative or positive. Esp negative. He is non-compliant with everything. Does nothing now but sleep all day an up all night. Comes fr night jobs an sleep apnea he never admitted to having after 2 sleep studies an then reluctantly gets cpap then wont wear it or up 5 times at night yo pee an cant get it back on. My Mom IS NOT getting up evety time to put it on him. Now he wont bathe for me but only for a bath aid name kaylee with home health. Diabetic an gets shots 3x a day. He has every ailment known to man. A-fib, on Warfarin, diverticulosus, Congestive heart failure, has had a sm stroke (didnt do anything physically but has hard time eith gadgets), multi bowel surgies so almost has dumping syndrome or goes alot, incontinent (but not total), wheres depends. Him an I argue all time. Its gotten to point Im yelling at him. He tells me to shut up blah blah.. he knows I know he not doin what Dr' s say. Many Dr's. Mom is killin herself by being the doormat an that ticks me off. He is anout 70% ready for nursing home an Id gladly put him in. But she wont allow it or say " well I go to then if u do that!" She doesnt need one. She is about 20% ready. I have depression an anxiety an fibromyalgia an poss Bi-polar 2 (i see psychiatrist now last 3 yrs). Situational depression an anxiety. Im actually worried Mom will fall or Dad will be in hospital an Im going back n forth an then dealing with all my fam stuff. I dont work. Cant. Parents in way. Ive been in med field since 18. I need to get a job with insurance. We have none. Husband self employed. An in Tx its like triple our housepayment. Cant do it. Id LOOOOVE a normal job. Id LOOOOve to win the lottery an hire full time caregiver so We can go on a 2 wk vaca. I have a older sister but lives in another city 1 hr an half away. She comes on weekends whenever. She truly has never cared for my parents a wk. Or during wk when its the hardest. It would be a eye opener for her. So my health has gone downhill due to parents taking over my life. Anger, resentment, guilt, depressed, anxiety. All of it. An Ive tried 14 meds or antidepressants 2 which were mood pills, havent worked or physical sideeffects horrible. I have been to therapist but not in last 3 yrs. Money. So sometimes anxiety csn cone out as anger, irritation etc. ..i have music an earbuds. I dispise walmart now cause alwsys going for their meds an groceries. Exercise. See if u csn hire at half day 3x a wk. Mom an I just hired a caregiver service starting Mon- F fr 9-1pm. Hopefully getting pressure of me an off Mom cause she feels guilt causing me to loose my mind doing everything I do. Load pills, get rx's, clean, laundry, give her bath or help her with one, chg his depends when he will do it even, take to appts, get kitty litter, then my Home stuff an help my 15 yr old with Dyslexia an Dysgrahia with school. Etc...I totally get the the yelling, anger..all of it. Till you do it yourself for 6 yrs..no one can know what we go thrue or can humanly handle. Theres limits . God bless

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I'm sorry, I didn't read your profile first!

Oh my goodness!, what CM says!

What respite do you get? Should your husband still be driving? Have you discussed that with his doc?

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Six years caregiving for husband without a break and now swearing immoderately at other road users? - and who can blame you.

Be kind to yourself. Who can stand that much stress for that long and not have it burst out one way or another?

I'm so glad you've found AgingCare! If it works as well for you as it did for me, it's the first step to feeling immensely better and so much less alone.

One tiny bit at a time: what respite do you ever get, what support do you have, what activities do you enjoy that relieve stress and might burn up some anger?

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I go to arthritis pool exercise 3x week—just started! I overeat sweets esp chocolate to make me calm down—cannot concentrate on any diet for myself—my support are my kids; 2 of whom I see often—one cleans bathrooms & kitchen & vaccuums once/week & the other just started taking Hubby out 1x/wk to meet his old friends for coffee & I’m ‘free’ for @ 1 1/2 hrs—I have 2 good friends I complain to & I say a lot of serenity prayers!! I have a cute dog that I take for walks & car rides but sometimes he adds stress to my day by wanting my attention constantly, “sit with me, pat me, don’t read or use your iPad; just pay attention to me”.

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Walking away, or out of the room/out of sight and hearing of the patient is one way of dealing with the anger and frustration of long-term caregiving.

Can you say a bit more about what your situation is and what is making you angry?

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How to deal with anger as a caregiver?

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