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If you can get some respite time for you and include a massage! Go to lunch with a friend that has a listening ear. Yes as the other person stated Adult daycareis a great option for the 2 of you to have time apart. It"s hard my husband had brain surgery 18 years ago..he's hemipalegic.and my mom has vascular dementia from a stroke 10 years ago and i care for her....Hang in there.... Love and patience are the hardest virtues to learn
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Jakies Dec 2018
I love your ideas! Thankyou
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If you can get someone to come in and “break” you for an hour or two a few times a week, that may help.
Ive read its very natural to have a variety of feelings that include anger, frustration, etc and then that’s followed by guilt. Get some help- maybe call your general practitioner and have him/her offer some suggestions. You are NOT abnormal or bad. You are normal.

Ive stayed w my father in law, in his home, for the past 5 years and it is hard. Please get some help from a Dr or a friend or a member of a church.
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Jakies Dec 2018
Thankyou for your caring answer—it really helps to hear from all of you going thru the same thing
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I, too, am a spouse caring for my husband who has Alzheimer's. It's been almost six years as well. I have decided to have him move to assisted living facility. I am 78 and he is 83. I understand completely how you are feeling. I'm tired. I'm angry. I find myself exhibiting behaviors that I would not be doing two or three years ago. I'm depressed. I do have someone come in for a few hours a few times a week. That's fine. But for the other 21 hours of that day, it's still up to me. I have put off this decision for about a year. The guilt and reading the posts where spouses are saying they would never do that to their partner has caused the delay but I know now, that's their lives, this is mine. I'm hoping once he has adjusted in his new environment, I can be a spouse - a friend to him again.
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Dianne38 Nov 2018
I think you made the best decision for you and him. After a little time. It will be new normal and you can enjoy one another again. Prayers sent.
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Jakies: Good grief, no, I wasn't "Mary Poppins" when I had to leave my state & move in with my mother where she was living alone. But I found ways to get through it. You should do the same~find a way to get though it please, else you may fall ill. I may have lost my mind AFTER SIX YEARS!
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Jakies Dec 2018
That’s why I am here collecting all the answers I can & they have been a wonderful hep! Thankyou for your caring reply
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I have been caring for mother for several years and living with her for ten. The thing that helps me is making sure I get time to myself, if it's just grocery shopping. Pick up a coffee or latte at Starbucks. We can't be very good for others, if we don't continue to make sure our needs are also met. It's so difficult without any in home help, I know. My mom qualified for services but they don't do any hands on work. I thought CNAs came in and did a bit of everything needed help with. I haven't found right person yet. Anyways, keep coming here for advice and to vent. We all understand!! Prayers and best of luck💖😇💗
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Jakies Dec 2018
Thankyou Dianne38 for your caring reply! I try to squeeze out any time I can for myself as often as I can. I just hate being angry at everything but I’m getting more relaxed with each reply I get on this site—
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When you start to feel angry it means that it is time to take a couple of deep breaths and take time for yourself. It means that you are depilated. (half empty) and you need to fill up your emotional well being.
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Deniese, depilated, that is funny you said "It means that you have had your hair removed."

I guess you would pull your hair out feeling this way.

Did you mean depleted? Just curious. I like the hair removed better.
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You are angry, depressed, frustrated, lonely and desperate - my God, who would not be like that? You MUST start thinking of what is BEST FOR YOU. The behaviors and problems with your husband are going to kill you. You have been there for him but now it is time for YOU to live your life. No matter how hard or how difficult, I think you must place him somewhere before he destroys you. You have a right to live your life and not carry on with a non-ending burden. You must act now and not let more time go on. He has lived his life and now is declining and no longer normal but it is really affecting YOU. It is time for you to make some decisions and move on before it is too late.
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Jakies Dec 2018
Thankyou for your caring reply but my DH is not that bad with his dementia yet to place him somewhere—but I will remember your advice when the time comes
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Intense rage, erupting in an instant, I never knew I could feel this angry.

I react with internal ferocity against rediculous annoyances, with the same intensity as if it's something major.

A stranger who I feel is being disrespectful of me, rudeness of shop assistants, drivers, lack of common courtesy, I will challenge instances verbally. It's as if I am constantly full to the brim with anger that I am being walked over by family, and anything else added , just blows the lid.

Adrenaline with nowhere to go.

At last I have accepted the warnings of people around me that I must make changes.

I have applied for Extra Care housing for my Dad with early-ish Dementia and a lifelong bad attitude to others needs. Probably a couple of months wait but you know what??
The anger has gone.
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jacobsonbob Nov 2018
Once you can see some "light at the end of the tunnel", things start to fall back into perspective for a person. Hope has a way of lifting one's spirit.
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I am in a situation with my husband where we are caring for my mom and my mil in our house. Mil is younger but has a load of ailments and she needs more constant attention, my mom is super old but can still cook and clean by herself (she does have problems walking). I am super angry since I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are in our 50s and we are putting our life on hold indefinitely for our moms. oI don't hate mil but she saps the life out of our family, especially my husband. If only I can see the light (as poster above mentioned) I would be able to deal without the anger.
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Jakies Dec 2018
I feel so bad for the situation you are in!! I don’t know what I would do in that predicament—I have found solace & a lessening of my anger with each reply I get on this site & hope & pray you do also
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Jakies: You're welcome.
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I have not had an easy life. It was hard, it was sad and heartbreaking. So many difficulties but life goes on. I learned the hard way, far too late. When people have things happen and they are no longer the person that they once were whom you loved dearly and now what has happened is destroying YOU and you can't fix it, you must ask yourself: "Do I want to be destroyed? or "Do I want to live and have the life I need and deserve?" If it is the latter and you have given it your all, so you have no guilt later because you could not fix what could not be fixed, then you must get the guts to GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE - STARTING NOW! If that means placing them somewhere that they can receive the proper care, then find a way or hire someone so you are not constantly dealing with the things happening. If you don't do something, then be prepared to be miserable and start digging a hole for your coffin. This is not being cruel - it is having some sense, maybe for the first time in your life. Think of YOU - NOW.
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Heart2Heart Dec 2018
Thank you Riley ... May of us are in this position and feel guilty for not feeling worthy of living our own lives any more as our own health is jeopardized.
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You are so fortunate to have the support of caring neighbors and family near by (I just read a previous post of yours)! For many of us there is only 'us' to figure out everything and many times there isn't enough time in a day.
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kbuser Dec 2018
So true! Even though I have 3 siblings, I'm the only one caregiving for mom and making all financial and medical decisions. It's exhausting figuring everything out alone
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Dear Jakies- I have been a caregiver for my mom since 2006 (Parkinson's, blindness from Macular degeneration; SEVERE hearing loss, diabetes) prior to caring for my mom, I cared for my middle brother (2005) dying from lung cancer, after that caring for my sister who was hospitalized for 1 1/2 (2016-2017) year then dying in ICU on ventilator. Now my dad is 95 and has dementia and SEVERE hearing loss. I used to cuss, scream, cry, hide, plead with God to take me, talk with counselors (who always wanted to put me on anti-depressants) BUT the only thing that has helped me and saved me from who knows where or what I was headed for, was that my younger brother finally retired in 2017 (wouldn't help prior cause he said he had a job) and now helps me. THIS has been the only thing that helped me because I was used up, burnt-out, empty...... during all the time I have been caring for others; I had a hip implant in 2010 that left me paralyzed in my lower leg and foot (foot drop), bilateral mastectomy due to bilateral breast cancer in 2015, knee replacement in 2016 and rotator cuff repair in 2017. Also, I was still working full time and in the military reserves when I first started to care for my mom and brother. No one understands just how hard, saddening, maddening, destructive ...being a FULL TIME caregiver is until they walk a mile in your shoes. Do whatever you need to do to get someone to help-it will make all the difference. I will pray for you because you need it.
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bettina Dec 2018
Wow, you are made of steel, to have cared for so much illness and for
so long with your own disabilities. I was thinking how in the past there
were women who cared for elderly or infirm family members, and basically
that was their only job. And also usually had community of people to
help as we lived more often in extended families. It's so tough to do it all
on your own. So glad you have help now!!

I haven't met many families of my parents generation that did so much
for their own parents . My dad totally abandoned his mother who was
ill for years, only visited her once every few years, same for my mother.
When they were my age they were living the high life, travelling the
world on cruises, etc. My father thinks spending two weeks helping him
in the hospital is a vacation for me because it's sunny outside. Uh... nope.

I'd say it's a bit of willful ignorance along with the lack of knowledge. Care
giving is a very behind the scenes thing.
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I’m just trying and hoping my guilt won’t kill me after my mother passes. It’s been many years of practically nonstop, daily events of which I was the only one in our family doing it all. I don’t like the person it made me be at times and I can never take it back. It makes me feel badly and haunts me.
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Jakies Dec 2018
Dear Heart2Heart, I too have a lot of guilt every day & I notice that my kids & grandkids don’t particulary like being around me. I have leg pain walking, so have a rolling walker to be able to get around house with less pain & I’m angry about that plus having to do everything for DH. I think my negativity shows & it turns everyone off—I just hope I can change my negative attitude soon, so despite my having to do everything here I MUST get a better, happier outlook—maybe it will help with my guilt also?
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I understand what you are going thru, Iam talking care of an 83 year old friend, I lived with him 20 years ago but now Iam his cargiver, it's not easy for me his mood changes alot and he gets angry easily and gets aggresive at times and everything bothers him, but you hold on and be strong, God is good, don't let the go of the hands of God, he will always be there to help you and guide in every way
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Jakies Dec 2018
Dear Morales, Thankyou for your input to my problem! I also feel what you’re going thru & you’re right; God does prevail & I will never let go of him!
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Having been there for so very long, four times, I have learned I can tell you a zillion things to do to make yourself feel good from taking a walk to having your hair done, etc. But what I found worked the most, and I don't think too many will agree, is you TELL THE PATIENT IN VERY 'TOUGH' TERMS the behavior is unacceptable and will NOT BE TOLERATED. I am guessing they will look at you or get upset for the moment and nothing will change. BUT YOU WILL BE GETTING IT OFF YOUR CHEST.....AND AT THAT POINT Y O U ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON WHO NEEDS HELP, not the patient. DO NOT HOLD IT IN. It will destroy you. Don't do it.
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Jakies Dec 2018
Thankyou Riley 2166–I will try to use your idea— it’s a tough thing to do but I will try thanks!
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I agree that we need to make boundaries with our family, but beyond that, we have to get AWAY from the situation: or the anger gets worse. It's may be time to stop caring for your husband yourself, cuz I think your anger is from not having your own life! No reason to be ashamed of that.
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I feel the sameway Very sad iam an angry But i love mom Over it
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There's a troll here... 'Dr Robert'
if you can... please report him...
I wonder if this site has been hacked?
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Rattled Dec 2018
See below...
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