How to deal with anger as a caregiver?

Walking away, or out of the room/out of sight and hearing of the patient is one way of dealing with the anger and frustration of long-term caregiving.

Can you say a bit more about what your situation is and what is making you angry?

Six years caregiving for husband without a break and now swearing immoderately at other road users? - and who can blame you.

Be kind to yourself. Who can stand that much stress for that long and not have it burst out one way or another?

I'm so glad you've found AgingCare! If it works as well for you as it did for me, it's the first step to feeling immensely better and so much less alone.

One tiny bit at a time: what respite do you ever get, what support do you have, what activities do you enjoy that relieve stress and might burn up some anger?

I'm sorry, I didn't read your profile first!

Oh my goodness!, what CM says!

What respite do you get? Should your husband still be driving? Have you discussed that with his doc?

Husband very underweight therefore I’m always making sure he eats enough—I make up the daily meds for him then have to constantly remind him to take them—he doesn’t remember what I told him an hour ago—is constantly watching just news & weather on TV—does nap so I get a 1-2 hr break there—he is a gentle soul & I feel so bad getting angry all the time—plus he’s getting deafer; so it’s always “what did you say???” I grit my teeth!——I just started pool exercise 3x/week—& I can leave him safely to go to lunch with friends etc—but I find in the last week or so this built up anger that almost makes me cry cause I can’t stop it!! It’s focused on hubby, my attention demanding dog, my friends who might need me to do something, my deaf friends (can’t stand the question, WHAT DID YOU SAY?) & now the anger at people who do dumb things while driving

Hubby does not drive anymore

Jakes, I'm sorry to have vanished so quickly - I'm in the UK and therefore tend to keep unsocial hours :)

I so feel for you. Small irritations become unbearable when your time is so taken up with the serious big issues.

Is there a day centre or anything like that your husband might go to? It would be a change of occupation for him, and would help him get tired - in a good way, I mean.

What about local resources? - caregivers' groups, specialist organisations, that sort of thing.

And what about proper respite breaks? Genuine down time for a week or two, at regular intervals?

How old is the dog? Does he provide companionship for DH too or has he become more dependent on you as time has gone on?

Genuine down time for a week or two happens when I get admitted to the Hosp with: high BP, bleeding ulcers, bowel surgery for infected diverticulitis-I got a month respite that time due to my infection & it was a wonderful break—-those were good for me cause I was able to really rest & just think about my health—-DH going out with an unknown group will not work—he doesn’t like meeting new people & likes his ‘safe haven’, his house. The dog is attached to me like Velcro but will jump on my DH lap when I’m not available—otherwise my 8 yo dog relies on me for everything. Adding to my anger is my constant pain (like a sciatica pain that goes from my arthritic back down my butt to my ankle—if I’m on my feet for too long my ankle swells & the pain is unbearable—to do any housework I have a rolling walker & go room to room & sit to do a lot of chores. I have another rolling walker in car that I use to take dog for walk or to walk long distances. A lot of my anger is not being able to do things that must be done without cane or walker—also, I don’t know how whining about my life on these pages will help me to curb my anger

Bleeding ulcers - if it's not too personal a question, were they to do with pain relief side effects? Are the gut issues under reasonable control now?

Did the very real health issues come up before or after your husband began his decline?

Hardly like to ask, but if or when you look ahead at the shape of things to come, what are your thoughts about that?

Have you thought about a move for you both to a supportive living environment?

Jackies, you need to talk to your doctor, or to a geriatric psychiatrist. It sounds as though you are fast approaching burnout.

Anger crying, irritability? They are all symptoms of depression. Have you considered getting and evaluation for that?

You do have things to be angry about, eh. Bloody hell!

Dealing with inappropriate anger is one thing. Dealing with entirely appropriate anger, now...

Of course the trouble is that it is bad news for you, and makes you feel worse.

Don't yell at me (though you can if you like, actually) - has anyone suggested a pain clinic? I appreciate you have had lots of people poking your back with a stick and "let's try..."-ing; but the point of a pain clinic, specifically, is that it takes a holistic approach rather than picking up problems one at a time and hoping to solve them individually. They're not stingy with analgesia, but I expect they'd probably also suggest things like low-dose amitriptyline and CBT - just guessing now, obviously.

You're clearly already doing a lot of the right things - busy social life, good support network, plenty of exercise, dog.

Which of them would you say is the best tension-reliever so far?

What about that proper break, then.

What about planning a week away, with the budget to include a high quality live-in caregiver, supervised by the children on a rota, while you go away somewhere - beautiful and tranquil or hip'n'happening according to preference?

Is it do-able?

For why? Money, logistics, just don't fancy it/more trouble than it's worth..?

Time to stop this before you are permanently ill. Martyrdom comes in many forms. Very sad indeed and sounds as if it is completely out of control. If therapy doesn’t cause you to make a long term change then it is t worth it expressing your anger is a beginning but sounds as if your caretaking I torturing you. Sometimes you simply have to choose your own welfare over others’.

With plans to visit with a therapist, a bit of assistance from kids, social time with friends, and some exercise time, I hope these combined efforts will help you. They gave helped me tremendously, plus I taks an antidepressant. (Started that years before I became my folks' care manager, though)

Please find ways to take care of you.

When u find the answer let me know. I too am experiencing the same issue. I do t live with my mother but am here for three weeks for the holidays and am even having trouble coping just for that short time. One issue is because y two siblings are doing their part and it's coming to light while I am here just how much they are not doing. I live in Florida for the winter and usually take mom with me and have done so for 7 years but can no longer handle getting her there and back but am fearful for leaving her also and the guilt I am feeling is adding to my anger. I do have the Aging Office sending someone in for 3 hours a week but mom is fighting me on that. I find myself being short with her even though I know she can't help her forgetfulness. I do suggest getting on an antidepressant to take the edge off and try to get assistance from. Your Area on Aging even if it's just a couple hours a week so u can get out.

I separate myself and create boundaries. My mother is 84 and exhibits horrible behavior. On Thanksgiving night, as we were all leaving my son's home, she dramatically banged on the wall and said she was going to "kill herself" if her issue with the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) is not resolved (another long story).

She said this in front of the entire family, including my grandchildren and younger cousins. Soooo....that was my limit until AFTER Christmas. She is not going to ruin my holiday.

I've enlisted the assistance of a cousin for Christmas Day who has agreed to take her to dinner. I will be with my kids in a peaceful environment. I refuse to allow her behavior to affect my health. I am not taking any medication but I do take natural supplements, get acupuncture and massage which is getting quite costly. I also belong to a gym that is open 24/7...This helps immensely.

As far as her threats are concerned...we (family) are all on top of it. She's very dramatic. It's not the first time she has said it...and I have warned her after the last episode...that if the wrong person hears this...or if she says it one more time to me or any other family member, it's a short drive to the psych ward.

Definitely follow through with the idea of seeing a therapist and consider antidepressants. This sounds like clinical depression to me (judging by my symptoms I got help for it. ) No surprise that depression has set in considering your emotional pain over your husband coupled with your physical pain. Treat this depression like the disease that it is. Good luck.

I hate to suggest this... but this works. I went to my primary doc for my torn rotator, and while I was there I had a total meltdown! I didn’t plan on it, it just happened. I started to cry when I described taking care of dad- anger, frustration, constant worry, and she saw immediately how much stress I was under. She gave me 10 Xanax. Never before have I ever taken anything like it! I rarely take a Tylenol!
She said to take it when I feel myself unraveling. I have had it for 3 months and I’ve taken a half of one pill! It’s probably just mental- knowing that I have the pills in case I need them....

Anger is normal given the stressors you are experiencing...just try not to take it out on those who are not responsible for the situation which is called displacement (e.g....a man who is upset with his boss at work and comes home and kicks the dog). Obviously, you don’t want to add new problems on top of other problems. Find time to exercise...in whatever way you can (See “50 reasons to exercise” on www.smartassfitness.com as a nice reminder of all the amazing health and mental health benefits). Also, find a group of other caregivers or supportive friends with whom you can vent. If that’s not available, seek counseling for emotional support. This is not a situation you need to handle alone. Eat well and do little things YOU enjoy...listen to your favorite music, enjoy childlike pleasures, try to have some fun alone and with your husband too (adult coloring books or games that are fun, simple, etc.). Anger is often a surface emotion that has other feelings underlying it...like sadness, grief, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Think about the root of what you are feeling and journal if you are ok with writing. A nice acronym to help in identifying and addressing negative emotions is HALT...ask yourself “am I Hungry, Angry (which you are), Lonely, Tired?” and then problem solve one issue at a time. Targeting the real issue one step at a time is really critical. Hope this helps and I wish you well. [Just FYI... I had my 10 year old son play Connect 4 with my 98 year old grandmother, who has Alzheimer’s, yesterday and she had fun even if she didn’t win every time. Find ways to create some fun...to have a better balance]. Take care!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this.  Sounds like you have taken a lot of steps to help yourself, and are about to take more.  Therapy helped me to decide why I am caregiving, what my limits are, and what were my other options.  The anger is your warning flag. 

My brothers and I were concerned that Mum would die before dad did.  We wanted him in a Nursing Home, for HER sake.  Yes, we tried helping, but I had limits, like living 4 hours away, working full time, and I just could not change my own father's diaper! We all talked with her, and she agreed to the NH for him.  She then lived another 20 healthy years.

What are your other options?  With your health issues, YOU need more rest and care.

I'm relatively new to this caregiving responsibility (entering month five of what I was told would be a two-week death watch). I had to uproot myself from my beachfront condo in Thailand and will return in January to close it out completely and move in with my Aunt full time. As well, I discovered a real low down thing she did, lying about and stealing a significant amount of money that SHOULD have come to me after her sister's passing. I have some real reasons to be angry, and for about three days I could hardly talk to her. Then I reached out to a friend who is also going through a similar situation, and her words ring true every day: "Be kind." I've also had to place near-absolute boundaries such as 7:30-8:30 a.m. is MY time to check correspondence and do yoga. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your husband. What I discovered to my surprise is the amount of resentment I have! I just keep thinking "Be kind," your husband didn't do anything on purpose to create this situation. And my Aunt is now bellowing for breakfast cuz it's 8:27 a.m., close enough for her to start her demands. "Be kind. Be kind." Good luck!!!

I'm sure people want to be supportive by saying your anger is justified, but anger isn't a helpful emotion. It makes people tune out and want to get away from you when you express it towards them, which is usually the opposite of what the angry person is seeking. S/he wants to be heard, not tuned out.
You're very fortunate that you have helpful kids nearby. A lot of people here don't have that. When I saw you write that you get irritated with the little dog, who wants nothing more than to be with you, I thought this person is stuck in a mind rut and needs a change in her perspective.
I suggest that you do an online search for "anger management near me" and go to their meetings. It will provide a space to vent but in a way that they want to get beyond just venting. You could go to a therapist of some sort, but I"m not personally sold on the benefits of that. You'd have to have a really great therapist who can dig deep to get you to see the true source of your anger, and that could take months or years, when you need help now.
I'd also suggest being around other caregivers while they're caregiving. Take your husband to social gatherings for people in similar circumstances. Get out. Take the dog to the dog park. Look up local clubs on Facebook where your interests are shared.
The best remedy I found for when I feel resentment about what I"m going through has been to see what others are going through. Put yourself in others' places:
think about how you would want your husband to be right now if the roles were reversed.
Consider that the person ahead of you who is driving slow may be having car trouble, may be an elderly person who is afraid, may be looking for an address on a busy commercial street where the addresses are placed inconsistently, may be on the phone talking with a doctor about their elderly mother who is in the hospital.

Frustrated with your life, knowing all the things you want to be doing and can't do. Yup, know those feelings. I was a caregiver for my husband for 4 years two months. Took a while, missed the things we always did together, so I started doing what we could do together. Got respite care after 3 and a half years of trying and on that day I would do all the things he couldn't do. Didn't like feeling angry about the situation. Don't get me wrong I loved my husband with all my heart, wanted him back to him. He had a massive stroke that left him handicapped on one side and trouble talking. I lost him to another stroke a month ago. My mind goes over these last few years together. I wish we had more time. The moments of frustration could have been better spent on the love in my heart for him. The anger shouldn't have taken from the years we had. I didn't have anger or frustration that often, but I sure wish I didn't have it at all. Focusing on our lives together and the years of love would have been a better way to have spent that time. Try to take that anger and tell yourself, If this was the last day with him, is it how you want to remember it? We can be gone in an instant and last days, last moments, last words said can leave a lasting mark.

I may or may not say things that help you, but I do want to say how much I appreciate your post. My hearing-impaired husband is in early stages of cognitive decline — mild to moderate at this point. So I understand the dependence, the irritation of having to repeat things and/or shout - even in public places. And this despite him wearing a set of expensive hearing aids. So, yes, I get it! And I get the anger! And I send you my prayers and support.

Here is what I have done to cope so far. (1) I too had a meltdown during my annual physical and my lovely and understanding doctor prescribed an anti-depressant (Wellbutrin works well for me; not for everyone). It does take the edge off and brings my coping skills back to the surface where they are more readily available. (2) I am being very open with our grown children and with a couple of good friends about just how difficult it actually is. Just talking about it with them helps them know how important their emotional support is, and when they can give practical support as well, it’s a great bonus. (3) I have gone back to part time work doing something I absolutely love doing. What I earn pretty much cancels out what I pay for someone to stay with him as well as for some alternative treatments that are not paid for by insurance. The time away and the positive reinforcement of being out in the world is re-energizing. (4) I keep reminding myself that I’m not mad at him; I’m mad at this damnable disease. He is a sweetheart and does not deserve anger, but when stress is high and respite is low, I’m much more likely to adopt an angry or sarcastic or condescending tone of voice for which I am immediately ashamed - which, of course, then fuels my anger at myself and the rest of the world. So when I do catch myself before I do that and switch to a kind and loving tone of voice (whether I feel like it or not), I find it calms me as well as him. And when I shout, that loud angry voice just fans the flames of all the things I’m so sick and tired of with the disease. And I’m still in early stages, so who knows how long these approaches will keep working? I’m working on finding a support group, but at this point, he does not want to do that, as he is still in denial about many of his limitations.

One more thing - years ago when I was furious with the ex-husband I had just divorced, I found physically throwing or kicking or stomping things WAS very helpful as a cathartic. But instead of people, drivers, and dogs, I did things like getting a case of empty bottles, finding a metal dumpster (preferably one that would recycle the soon-to-be-broken glass), and throwing the bottles, one at a time, violently against the back wall of the dumpster. The sound of the shattering glass was somehow oddly soothing. (Weird, huh?). I also built thick walls of pillow that I would kick as hard as I could. Once I even hurled eggs into the bathtub, then washed the mess down the drain. Physical release of the anger in ways that don’t hurt someone else (or make a mess for me to later clean up, which would only make me more angry) has been very useful for me, especially in the early stages of realizing how angry I was — once it’s out of my body, I cope better. So maybe yoga, yes, but also maybe boxing or karate or kick-boxing - something where you can punch and kick and yell and be angry in a setting where anger is just part of the deal.

Okay, hope you have found something that encourages and supports you. And thank you all for not reporting me as some psycho. I really am quite harmless — but it is in large part because I accept the anger and have learned ways to keep it from hurting others. If I just shame myself for it, it makes it worse, not better. Hugs and best wishes, and please share the things that work for you as you go along. I may run out of available beer bottles and need some alternate strategies!

I understand and empathize completely. I’ve been an only caregiver for my husband for five years. He has FTD. You get very frustrated with what they do or don’t do. I’m already on antidepressants but the anger still surfaces regularly. Two things helped. First a would-be 14 day respite where I ended up visiting him daily. Each day for ten days his bags were packed to come home and he cried when I left. The experience made me realize that I missed him and that neither of us was ready for him to go anywhere else yet. Second, someone in this group pointed out that it’s not your loved one you get angry at, it’s the blankety-blank disease. Now when I’m so mad that I feel like throwing something, I yell that I hate the disease. My husband doesn’t understand and usually laughs but it’s a good way to vent and send your anger where it belongs. I would feel so guilty for getting angry at him and I realized it was irrational. I still get angry —which I think is perfectly normal— but now I direct it at the proper target. Best wishes to you.

I am finding caregiver fatigue is so difficult to deal with I also find myself being ANGRY at anyone for NO good reason I guess we just need a break I am going to try to hire outside help for my Auntie so at least 1x or 2x per week I get a break from bathing,her setting her hair, or putting on the pajamas ,the special socks the foot care, or even meal prep, it just seems as if it never ends my whole life revolves around the care of other people and it seems as if I'm never makeing her happy I understand shes in pain so that makes her crabby its just hard to always be the punching bag when I feel as if I have put my heart and soul into doing the utter most that I possably can to keep her comfortable and happy & its almost impossable at this point...so I find myself displaying displaced agression in other areas of my life... So I really got No answer except that I do understand I REALLY HONESTLY DO understand!!!!

Jakies, I so relate. I too have a litany of growing health issues and pain to contend with along with my increasing care manager demands.

In a book called Sabbath, which discusses cultural sabbath traditions, one line stuck in my mind to the effect that if you fail to take a ritual rest, illness will become your sabbath. I see from your earlier posts that has already proven itself true for you. Heed your lesson and do whatever it takes to get some free, unstructured, idle time and do with it as you wish, even if you just wish to sleep.

The mind-body connection is powerful and I notice that lots of the caregivers here and in my support group, including myself, now require medications to manage problems we didn't previously have or have conditions that have progressed under the constant stress. Cortisol, the hormone meant to sustain our fight/flight response, was never meant to be our body's chronic state of activation. Understanding this underlying situation can help you focus your efforts through any means to reduce it for some small interval of time.

You'll still have times of feeling angry because there will always be hardships, struggles, and things that feel unfair about life. You just try to find the counterweights wherever and whenever you can. Blessings.

Hi Jakies. I do understand your situation, not that easy. Maybe you need to make some physical exercice (jogging, any sports, etc.) to let your brain breathes. Also, maybe you should try some natural products that can help you to reduce your psychological pain and regulate your emotions and feelings. I could recommand you some products if you want.

Best wishes! Have a good evening.

Six years is a long time to be 'on duty.' Would your finances allow either your husband or both of you to move to assisted living? Or, if money is a tighter, your burden would be lessened by having both of you move to independent living. At least it would be easier to care for him without having to take care of your home, too. And you would have the social interaction that is a wonderful salve for the type of pain you're feeling. It's very isolating to take care of a spouse who can no longer be a real companion to you in terms of intellectual engagement.
At the very least, adult day care would provide a 5 day a week respite for at least 5 or so hours a day so you can 're-charge' enough to face the caregiving.