My mother is 85 and she is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I give her so much support whenever she calls me, I am there to listen to her endless dramas. I take her to dinner, I buy her things that she wants and I listen to her every day when she wants to talk about her health, money, other people (she gossips a lot) or when she wants to put down my other brothers and sisters. She does not respect me. When I let her know how I feel about things that she has issues about, she hangs up the phone on me and then calls me back like nothing happened. I feel that she just wants me to be at her beckon call for whenever she wants to vent. I asked her to see a therapist, but she does not want to spend money on one. Our relationship is very bad, and I am really starting to resent her and not want to talk to her.
She has been difficult her whole life and all my brothers and sisters just tolerate her or stopped talking to her altogether.
She has always been abusive, but she has these demands as if I have to jump whenever she wants to talk. I work and I have a son. She thinks she is always right and never wrong. I have really tried to hold it together and be the dutiful daughter, but I cannot do it anymore. She has no respect for what I say or how I feel. She cuts the conversation by hanging up the phone on me. She must have done this hundreds of times and I just keep saying "oh she is just mad" and I keep tolerating it and she keeps doing it. My feelings have dwindled for her, and I am now backing off. Please advise. None of my sisters want to hear what I have to say either and they do not want to hear about her, nor do they want to take care of her. I have asked my 2 sisters to pitch in and they have ignored my request.
You're done. Your mother is an adult. She can figure out stuff for herself without you.
Is it an equal arrangement? You both swap & share news, talk about current or past events as you both wish? Taking turns, letting the other speak?
Or are you acting as a 'listening post' for Mother?
This can happen. The balance can get skewed for various reasons.
I am wondering;
- Does Mother show much interest in your issues?
(Has she become somewhat self-absorbed in her own world?)
- Can she hear well?
(if she cannot hear you well, hear your questions or replies it can become a 'monologue' rather than a 'dialogue').
- Is she bored? Likes a bit of drama. Maybe control & divide siblings for something to do.
Firm boundaries are needed. Cut short any strays into areas not 'safe'. Eg topics becoming rants or complaints about siblings. "Right, Mom. I hear you have an issue with X. Better to talk directly to X about that".
Having a purpose to your call/visit can be useful.
Call to discuss an upcoming appointment. "Ok that's sorted, talk soon, bye".
Another option is shorter or less calls/visits.
Lady, you are a New Yorker! Not trying to stereotype but I absolutely love the ‘direct’ approach that New Yorkers have.
Some people find them rude. I don’t! They know how to speak their minds.
You have it in you to tell it like it is. Don’t give that power away. Speak frankly to your mom. She either gets it or she won’t. If she doesn’t. That’s okay too. You do not have to agree with her desires in life. You don’t even have to meet her halfway. Stand on your own. Let your sisters worry about themselves.
If you need therapy to gain a fresh perspective, that’s not a bad idea either.
All the best to you!
You are unlikely to be OK unless you stand up to your mother, and stop tolerating her rudeness. If she wants a servant, she should be checking into a facility where people are paid to put up with it.
Yes, find yourself a therapist for support. But also, watch a wonderful old movie called Now, Voyager (Bette Davis, Claude Rains, Paul Henreid) and consider the damage that mentally ill folks can inflict. And how to right the ship
She doesn't sound too infirm, so I'd say you should continue to step away, and if she calls, be too busy to jump through her hoops or even talk beyond ensuring she's OK.
People like your mom zoom in on the weakest person to aim their venom. She knows it gets to you, and you keep coming back for more.
A very wise therapist once told me "don't let the sharks see you bleed." Your mom is a shark, so you need to learn how to not let her see you bleed. Become a stronger person through will or therapy, but set a good example for your child on how not to be a doormat.
Let her know that the next time she hangs up on you, you won't be speaking to her for a week. Period. It's not okay to be hung up on; it's disrespectful and you will no longer tolerate it, mother.
Then stick to your guns. Let her know you mean business. That you respect yourself enough to NOT tolerate such behavior from anyone, let alone a woman who calls herself mother and who's supposed to love you and treat you with respect.
Don't chalk off rotten behavior as 'just being mad' and let it go. Call her out on it and stop bad behavior in its tracks, as you would with a misbehaving toddler. You'll likely find she STOPS it in short order if she wants to maintain a relationship with you. If not, then you won't speak to her anymore, one week at a time.
Good luck.
Yes, back away. Stop doing so much and stop trying to make her happy. Limit her calls. When she asks why you aren’t around as much, be honest. That she is so negative and nothing you do for her makes her happy, and you figured she just wants to be left alone.
they'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever stop abusing.
emmm, i forgot to add another "ever".
there.