How to deal with an abusive husband who is sick?
I am overwhelmed in trying to help my husband as I am struggling myself with a hip injury. He cares nothing about my struggles and doctor appointments or treatment. He had his voice box removed and is going through his hurdles and is doing well under the circumstances. He has become even more passive aggressive than before. I have been having to speak for him, he makes everyone try to read his lips when he decides to communicate, everything must go through me including trying to fill out applications for financial help, grocery shopping doc appointments. I'm in constant pain in my hip and he sits all day not helping much. He ignores me when I try to talk sits and waits for his meals and is always sticking his phone in my face with reminders. He has always been unempathetic towards me in this 39-year marriage. I'm so sad most days and feel like a doormat.
Do remember to check with your own MD and your Husband's MD for any resources you are missing. Also check in with your local Council on Aging in your area. Tell them you are seniors trying to stay in your home and need access to all resources they can give you or recommend to you.
I wish you the very best.
Then list all the things he needs to do instead of you.
You are not his maid.
Then get some rest to feel better.
Assuming you are applying for financial help, moving out is not an option, or hiring some help?
If he wants to be heard and understood there are a variety of ways that he can make this happen.
STOP filling out forms for him, he lost a voice not his fingers.
STOP making doctor appointments for him.
(If he is a Veteran contact the VA or better yet your local Veterans Assistance Commission and see what help he qualifies for. If you do this it is going to help you in the long run and you can be sure it will get done)
**I do have to ask if this is a recent surgery for him? If so he may well be struggling with depression and other issues it might do well for him to see a therapist.
For you....
You need to be priority for yourself right now. You need to care for yourself or you will be of no use to either of you.
What is prognosis for your hip, if you are planning on having surgery make sure your doctor is fully aware of all that is going on at home and that you will get little to no help.
Although hiring a caregiver for both of you might be a great idea. would take a great burden off your shoulders.
If that means having a sit down talk with him and telling him that he needs to go to Assisted Living for a time, sort of like Respite for you. Or alternately you go to AL for a time until you are healthy enough.
Personally, I would either place him or leave him, no one has the right to abuse another person, not even a spouse.
He will continue to get worse and you will continue to spend your life in a self-imposed hail.
Do what is right for you, don't suffer one day longer at his hands.
What is the prognosis for your hip injury? Does your doctor think it can get better while you are also at home caregiving? Does he or she know what your home life is like?
Could your husband live alone, do his ADL’s for himself, etc.? Would you consider separating?
Hopefully more info might prompt some good ideas from others about how to improve this situation.