We moved MIL to NJ 3 mo the ago into a MC unit. SIL was “done” taking care of her and wanted the sons to “step up”. Since the move, SIL has tried to run the show to the point we have her on the no info list at the MC unit. Well since then SIL has told MIL 2 upsetting pieces of news 1) MIL house was sold and 2) MIL brother passed away. We are furious with the SIL, we have not spoken since before the move except through email now. SIL telling MIL about her brother topped the cake. She told her over the phone, not having regular staff with her (MC director day off) and she just feels she needs to know this information to have closure. Thankfully MIL does not remember but that is not the point. SIL tries to sabotage and I am sick of it. SIL sent an email saying she told MIL about the death of her brother and will send a card. I replied back that we already did and she doesn’t have to concern herself with that. She proceeded to say that she will call MIL but will call the nurses desk rather than having MIL racing to the phone and tripping. Like WTH…..we are so fed up not knowing when she calls and what she tells MIL we are contemplating on removing the phone from her room. The control issue is out of hand….I tell her you were “done” she is with us we got it. Outside of stopping all communication between SIL and MIL I don’t know what to do…
Nothing that you describe her meets any smell test for me for toxicity. Your SIL apparently had all the care.She asked the BILs to step up. I am assuming she meant "I am done being ALL the care and responsible for everything", not I am done with my MIL. I am thinking perhaps she was crying out for help. MIL is now in Memory Care, so that is apparently the decision to "step up" (not criticizing; it is the decision I would have made. I am not cut out for home care). Now SIL visits by phone or in person the MIL she cares about.
SIL is being honest with MIL. That is in fact my preferred stance with ANYONE in life, gentle honesty, so I am afraid I may have been the one to gently inform also had I not been warned off by a family conference saying "MIL cannot remember anymore, so we have decided there's no reason to discuss sale of home or death of her dear brother". And your answer to her telling you she informed MIL and sent a card was correct if it was a gentle "Oh, hon, we told her. She just can't remember. I know the card is appreciated, but we don't discuss overmuch as she can't remember and it is new grief each time it's discussed."
If you did do tell your SIL that you told Mom, then she still likely would have sent a lovely card, and why not indeed.
To be frank, whether MIL remembers or not I feel she has a right to be informed of things that were her LIFE. Her brother being gone. Her home. I would be trying to tell her gently and making her a scrapbook of memories. These life passages are tough, and someone MIL's age has seem many. They are worth tears and grieving.
I think this is a family having a lot of dissension. When you give us one side and ask us to weigh in it sometimes can be a surprise where our weight hits the fan. We cannot know all the vagaries, and we don't know you or your SIL. But I think the words "toxic" do little good. And again, if someone IS toxic, they cannot be dealt with; it is time to stop trying to control them, and to leave them alone.
I wish you the best. Family mediation can often be a help. If you would like contracts throw a private message my way and I can provide contacts to reach out to.
SIL took care of Mom for a long time. She has so much knowledge of Mom's needs and idiosyncrasies that she will be a very valuable member of the care team. Excluding her could easily be elder abuse on your part and SIL could file a complaint on you.
Just try to get along and work together. Remember this is about mom's health and welfare.
She obviously took solo care of her mom for??? Stepped down because no brothers were stepping up to help and now it sounds like she is being punished for it.
You, your husband and anyone else trying to control her access and relationship with her mom need to grow up and stop trying to punish her for not being able to do it alone anymore. Give her honest, timely information that you receive from the MC and let it go. She loves her mom and is probably feeling guilty for not being able to continue, wants what is best and trying the best way she knows how.
Before you intervene and block all contact you should talk with an attorney about it. Because it is not legal to isolate a vulnerable senior and disconnecting her completely will probably end very poorly. I would hire an attorney if my siblings pulled something like this.
Try having a family meeting and delegate responsibilities and try to work together for your MILs sake.
You, your husband and anyone else trying to control her access and relationship with her mom need to grow up and stop trying to punish her for not being able to do it alone anymore."
You are right. I asked the OP how long her SIL took care of MIL alone. I suspect it was for a long time, and the brothers are resentful that now that their mother is closer to them that they are expected to at least be more in contact with their mother.
I do think your SIL is being insensitive by telling MIL about the house and the death. From one DIL to another, let ur husband handle his sister. And where is Moms phone that she may trip getting to it?
What you don’t mention is how this is harming MIL to the degree that it is worse than losing contact with her daughter and others she speaks to on the phone. You said she forgets.
I’m not condoning being insensitive but these upsetting actions by your SIL are ones often discussed here on the forum and not everyone has the same opinion on the pros and cons of sharing life events.
I truly understand your upset as I had something similar happen to my LO where a SIL of mine unloaded bad news and then left. I know because I saw it all on camera.
I think you would be wrong to intervene in their relationship to such a degree. You don’t mention what your SIL has gone through or is going through but remember that she is family and has not abandoned her mother but asked for help. We readers can’t fully understand her situation or yours but as a SIL perhaps your role could be one of a peacemaker and a support to both your H and his sister in this difficult time for their mother.
I had animosity towards my SIL from years of negligence I had witnessed with her parents. That’s been 13 yrs ago and I’ve finally realized that she was burned out and was dealing with an extremely difficult situation with parents who were doing as they pleased.
The end result is the same and while others choices may not be ours, that doesn’t make them all wrong. Being a caregiver is hard. Burnout is real and recovery can take some time.
I suspect your MIL would like to keep even a troublemaking child in her life than out.
The SIL may be having trouble trusting her siblings and letting go. It’s a process. Wishing you all the best at this time in your family life.
- let her visit and call all she wants. It seems the more you block her the more she is engaged in the control show. Maybe once she sees for herself that her mom doesn't even remember the things she's told, she'll stop trying. If you/your siblings are the PoA then you have the authority to limit her if necessary.
- continue trying to block her. Have admin change your MILs phone number and make sure all the staff knows not to release new number to anyone who calls to ask and to not forward her calls to our MIL's room. Not sure this is a viable tactic due to staff changeover and communication gaps. Plus it's going to make you crazy trying to plug all your fingers in the leaky dyke.
Personally I'm in the camp of letting her come and visit and send cards, with no other family member reacting to it. SIL is telling you she's doing what she's doing for a reason: because she knows it gets your goat and gives her a sense of the control and importance she used to have with her mom. Try not caring and not reacting to it. If she mentions it verbally, ignore it and redirect the conversation. If she emails you to tell you, don't respond to that info specifically but any other topic is fine. In psychology this is called "extinguishing" the behavior. All your other family members should be on board with this strategy as well.
If she is really mentally ill and it's just too much for your MIL then the PoA can use their authority to block her fully.
All sounds like a sick power play, you couldn't do it, so we are, so bugger off sister. All or nothing rarely turns out well for anyone involved.
Besides your H, how many sons are living near MIL in NJ?