My mother is 72 years old, she's physically in great shape, and moved in with my partner and I, about 5 years ago, ever since things have been declining. My concern is how her abusive behaviour is affecting everyone around.
Every time she feels the attention is not on her, for example, when my parents in law come over.. which doesn't happen that often, she is immediately "sick" the next day... An example, they've spent the night from Sunday to Monday, we took them home last night, and when we got back, the ceramic hub my mother-in-law was cleaning that afternoon as all heavily scratched... I've asked my mother if she had seen what the hub was cleaned with, and if she had done something, even if accidentally, and she denied it all... this morning, my mother calls me at 6am, doesn't say a word, what made me walk over her room, to tell me she was shaking and to give her a glass of water. It's very hard to tell doctors this, as they don't belive me, at all... but she's been doing this since I was a teenager. Unfortunately I'm the society we live in, the elder is always the victim, regardless their behaviour, which is threatening my whole family.
Another example, which happened roughly a month ago, she went to the pharmacy, by herself, as usual, for her regular prescription (high blood pressure, cholesterol, anxiety) and she started shaking, and telling everyone there to call me because she wasn't feeling well. In Ireland an ambulance is immediately called, due to accountability, however my mother didn't know this, as in her home land (Portugal) someone would call me (as it happened so many time before) would give her a glass of water with sugar in it, and off you go... this takes me off my work, in the middle of the day, one day will cost me my job. I had found out that day she has been taking 3 times more her Sertraline (prozac) prescription...
I've taken my mother to the doctor countless times, where all the analysis and exams always show that she's impeccable, and she always complains how the doctors in Ireland are so bad, because in Portugal they would give her placebos, and here they refuse to do that.
She's also been recommended to a psychiatrist, who said she has "abandonment issues", and that makes sense. Also he has removed her Xanax, which she was being prescribed from a doctor in Portugal, for over 4 years, and my mother was highly addicted to it.
However I feel we're crossing a Munchausen syndrome here, as she will purposely scratch herself, or keep wounds open for as long as possible, she was stung by a horsefly last summer, and still hasn't healed, because she won't stop picking the wounds.
The list goes on... and I'm afraid we're all going mad around her. I have nightmares about finding someone stabbed, or hanging from the staircase... and I don't know what to do.... specially because this seems a taboo topic, which no one wants to touch with a ten feet pole.
I've read about boundaries, and consequences, but that only leads to more and more abusive behaviour, and I'm desperate...
:)
hug!!
i hope things get better! unfortunately, often they get worse: the abusive/narc mother behaves worse and worse with time.
she's lived 5 years with you. let me guess, every year she's more abusive towards you?
"In the society we live in, the elder is always the victim, regardless their behaviour"
very frustrating, very unfair. i've seen similar things where in reality, the ONLY victim is the adult child, but all the compassion unfairly goes to the acting elderly LO.
"I've read about boundaries, and consequences, but that only leads to more and more abusive behaviour, and I'm desperate."
i've had the exact same experience. if you try to set boundaries (peaceful boundaries) --- oh boy, expect a huge retaliation. you're trying to get out of her claws. she doesn't want that: it's too much fun to make someone else miserable.
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your mother is:
-abusive
-psychosomatic: from what i understand, she enjoys the attention?
you won't change either thing. it'll probably just get more intense.
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as others below me mentioned, it's good to check that she's not starting to have dementia. in the beginning, dementia is slight. but as you said, your mother's behaved like this your whole life. it's her personality. by the way, there's no point to go to a doctor to check for dementia (in the beginning, no doctor will be able to diagnose that anyway. in the beginning, only the family notices weird things). only when dementia is TOTALLY obvious, undeniable, then a doctor can diagnose. but often a diagnosis is pointless, you can't do anything against dementia anyway. the only reason a diagnosis can be useful sometimes, is to be declared incompetent, so the adult child can make decisions. but in that case OP, i recommend you get a POA (power of attorney) that's immediately effective, instead of a springing POA (effective only when/if dementia/incapacitation starts). then you won't need a dementia diagnosis. (if in the future, your mother really has undeniable dementia, and you feel she shouldn't make any decisions, then you can try to get her declared incompetent. it's a serious process. it can only be done in court.)
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you were/are verrrry kind that you decided to help her in your home. i'm sure you're a very kind person.
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solutions?
you won't change her personality. she might enjoy having this power over you ---- she gets to decide if you have a miserable day, running around trying to solve problems for her. she decides if your time gets wasted.
people who are unhappy sometimes want to make sure their sweet (normally cheerful) adult child is UNHAPPY TOO. you won't be able to change that desire.
drugging her - trying to find some magical drug that changes this - won't happen. it's her personality. and anyway, i don't believe in drugging someone.
by the way -- anxiety medicines sometimes create MORE anxiety. the very thing they're supposed to work against, they can create.
the best would be for her to be involved in some BIG project -- some great hobby, that takes her mind off of trying to make you miserable. the trouble is, she very likely enjoys making you miserable. THAT is her hobby.
i don't know the way out. but sometimes, it helps to really SEE what is going on. that you have a mother who enjoys having power over you; and who might want to make you as miserable as possible, until she dies.
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i don't know your mother, so please understand, some of my guesses might be wrong. i only wish things were easier for you. wishing your mother and you well!
bundle of joy :)
Really appreciate the tips and kind words.
I’m coming up to 75, physically not in such great shape, but no way would I even try to inflict this on my daughter. I’m also quite capable of sorting out my own living arrangements (even thought the builder of our new house is being as difficult as builders often are).
Really appreciate your answer. That might be the only solution yes...
Skin picking should be reported to the psychiatrist. It is a symptom, sometimes "merely" OCD, but often seen in dementia. Taking times her antidepressant dosage? On purpose? Accidentally? Again, mixing up meds is frequently seen in dementia.
Why did you think having your mother live with you was a good idea? Would she rather be back in Portugal?
Well, she would call me every other week, telling me she had been to the hospital, or fell down the stairs... black eyes. So I thought it would be best if I didn't have to travel to Portugal everything something would happen... also, she would always tell me stories on how my father left when I was 6, and her family doesn't talk to her... in all fairness, I felt sorry that she was lonely, and brought her close to me... I realise now that was a terrible mistake...
Perhaps finding a solution where she's being looked after, but not in my house, not a home though, she might be too young for that?