I have a neighbor who lives two doors away. She is in her early 80's or so and has always been a little odd. We have 'known' each other for ten years and her reputation is that of having always been difficult. Lately, though, she seems to have singled me out and approaches me or stops her car to talk to me if I am outside in my yard talking with another neighbor. She will act peeved that I don't drop what I'm doing and engage with her, although I really do barely know her. The other day when I was walking my dogs, she ran out of her house and asked me "are we ok?" "are you ok?" "where do you go to breakfast?" "we need to go out together", etc. I suggested we go, the three of us, for something to eat with another neighbor whom I thought was sort of a friend and who is a good friend of mine. She began saying this other person owed her money (I talked to the other woman who is a good friend who explained how 'crazy' this lady is and this is not so and I do believe her), rolled her eyes about her and clearly didn't want to do that. She also recently got married to an elderly man who had been living with her for a while. I suggested then that maybe 'the four of us' (my husband, her husband and we) go out to eat together. She said she just wants to 'leave them at home and we can call them later'. I said, well, we'll see and then another neighbor drove up and it broke up her ability to engage me. I told her I had to go inside. As I said, I barely know her but she clearly has dementia and at the same time, seems very manipulative and smart enough to 'triangulate' situations. I am feeling stalked in a way. She will drive down the street, see me, and stop and roll down her windows and just kind of stare at me, waiting for me to say something. I keep it short and polite and keep walking most of the time. I do not want to be cruel or rude to her but I also do not want to encourage her. She seems hell bent on us being friends and I have never given out the signal that I want that. Not sure how to handle this. I have been thinking about talking her her husband but I don't know him either and just by virtue of the fact that they recently married, I doubt he thinks she's mentally not 'there'. Other than hiding in my house I don't know what to do with this. I really do not want to go 'out' with her and will have to just tell her that, I guess.
I have taught mentally and emotionally challenged and "normal" young people and adults. You fairly quickly get a sense of who feels "safe" though may be uncomfortable to relate to at times, and who feels not safe and is difficult to deal with. This lady is difficult to deal with and gives inappropriate questions and answers. I understand why you suggested lunch with your husbands as a way of "saving the moment." Having her drive by and stare at you must be quite unnerving.
You have various options in terms of your responses to her. You could ignore her completely or give a cursory "Hi" and/or a wave. Conversations can be cut short by saying you have to go, you are busy etc. I would try to leave out anything that would encourage her - like "Nice chatting with you." In terms of any requests one neutral answer which can be useful is "I'll have to think about that." Or you could be more blunt and say that you don't have time for lunch dates or some such comment. If she says "We need to go out for lunch I honestly think after the number of encounters you have had with her, I would say "No, we don't." It is a matter of drawing and maintaining boundaries, with someone who does not understand boundaries. There are articles online and also books on boundaries that you might find helpful.
Bottom line - look after you. "Soft" answers may not get your message across. I am not suggesting being rude, but perhaps being firmer if you are comfortable with that. Think about how you will respond to her next time - have a plan. ((((((hugs)))))
A call to your local Agency for Aging or similar agency may be useful for you and for her, especially if you have a concern about her driving skills. Her behaviour is not in the normal range and may indicate dementia.
This lady has a husband who is the first person responsible for her should she need help. To me it sounds like she does need help and he may be in denial.
This is a weird post.
Sorry. You don't want to be friends with her, yet you engage with her. You don't want to encourage her, yet you're suggesting you and others go out to breakfast together. What?
I'd say both of you have your social cues askew.
I've always had a policy with neighbors. "Hi!! How are ya' today? How're the kids? I know!!! Hasn't this been a strange summer? Sooo much rain! Blah blah blah. Well, gotta' get inside. Cake baking and all that... See ya' later! Say hi to Mike."
Big friendly waves when I see them outside...maybe a big call "Hi!!!! How're ya' doin'??"
I keep my neighbors at a polite, friendly distance. I didn't choose them, don'tcha' know. I have enough friends. And, frankly, I don't want them in my business. (If I sound unfriendly, I'm not. I just know how to set boundaries.)
Now, having said all that? There wouldn't be a time in the WORLD when I wouldn't have ten minutes to devote to an elderly neighbor who found me enchanting. Once a day...twice a day...senile or not. But I wouldn't be trying to arrange breakfast dates. And I wouldn't strike up a conversation with her husband to fish around to see if she were in her right mind.
Strange post it is..
I like to see the non-dangerous mentally ill "main-streamed" into our neighborhoods, but it can be a bit of a challenge figuring out how to relate to them. I sometimes wonder, "If this were my sister, how would I want her treated?"
In urban areas I think it is a good idea to know who your neighbors are, and a little about them. If it turns out you have something in common developing a friendship is OK.
Twenty years ago my husband fell off a ladder in our open garage. I wasn't home. One neighbor immediately called 911 and another administered CPR until they arrived. It doesn't hurt to have at least polite relationships with neighbors! More than that is optional.
See All Answers