Hello, I need some suggestions on how to deal with my negative mother. She is always complaining about how bad she feels and that no one cares about her troubles financially and physically. She also says she is dying soon. I keep telling her that we don't know when we will die. We live in a multi-generational household. I resumed a serious relationship with my college boyfriend, and he proposed. I notice that my mother's anger has escalated. She says my attitude has changed, and I say "yes" because I am happy. I also want to add that we are over 60, so we aren't kids. I still run her errands, but I just don't jump immediately. Now my mother yells, bangs on things, throws, and tells me to shut up. My mother tells me she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. She doesn't talk to my adult children or my brother this way. She can also put on a nice face around others. Except she always complains about how bad she feels. It is so bad that her Church members ask does she ever feels good or fair. I love my mother, but I don't feel I should give up my life. My mother even bragged to me that my sister-in-law can never complain that my mother bothers my brother to do anything for her. Well, my brother is her child too, and honestly, I felt insulted. It's like she doesn't want me to be happy. My fiancé has always been kind and respectful, so I can't imagine why my mother wouldn't want him as her son-in-law. He has even asked if she would like to move in with us, and the comment was a hard NO. However, when I am around, she won't even watch a TV show with me. She goes to her room or goes to sleep. My fiance suggested maybe it's her medication but if that's the case how can she switch it on and off? I am just afraid of her anger and these outbursts.
It's up to you.
Mom isn't going to change.
No one can change this situation for you; again, it's up to you.
Good luck.
Why are you remaining in it?
It is a home that we purchased together.
I would leave with my fiancee as soon as possible, and enjoy your best years with happiness. You have the gift of a new life, take it and run. Mom has had her long life of bullying you, and kissing up to everyone else. Stop doing her bidding and get out of there! Don't throw away your best years dealing with Mom's nonsense.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let Mom move in with you two.
You and your fiancé deserve a happy life as far away from your mother as possible, so I do hope that you're planning on moving out sooner than later. And if it's your home that everyone is living in, then I wish you well in getting everyone out including your mother.
She'll have to either move into assisted living or a senior apartment where she can hire help with her own money of course.
You are not your mothers keeper.
I wish you well in starting a new and happy life with your fiancé on your own.
Best of luck to you in your new life.
OR
You
set boundaries of what you are willing to do , and only do that . You can’t let Mom have control which is what she is trying to do .
I would not live with her . All I see here is that so far Mom only needs errands done . Mom feels threatened by your having a fiancé in your life. Mom was expecting you to be her caregiver and revolve around her until the end . She’s throwing guilt trips .
If this is your house , Find a senior apartment for Mom , you can have food etc ., delivered to her. Get her on a wait list if she qualifies for subsidized apartment . If she can afford a more expensive apartment sooner , great .
If this is her house it can be sold if she needs more care like assisted living.
Again move out. If it’s her house , if she is in need of more care at some point and refuses assisted living, you call APS, or the Area Agency of Aging.