After finally getting 1/2 of the immediate family to accept me as POA, we now have to get mom on board. She’s holding out for a hero or something. She has a sister and three brothers in which she calls to complain about car keys taken away (neurologist has explained many times why), her medication now locked in a medical box, and keys to her jewelry storage desk. She misplaced everything so many times and took her Trazodone twice one night. She called four weeks ago crying to them that I am cruel and trying to be “the boss.” Two of them in turn called me unfit, as my mother still has her mind. (Especially as she told them I keep taking a lamp that she broke over 15 years ago.)
We are starting in home care and since she has aggression and has thrown things, pushed and hit us it’s not going easy to find someone. She also has issues with remembering that she gets specific deposits from my dad’s pension and needs to go to that bank or call them more than once a day. I decided that she will have her little check book with a nice amount to pay a few insignificant bills and charities. Everything else is moved into the trust that I am managing for her. With her paranoia that is so high she believes that I use her money when I get a package from Amazon (typically a big box with one tiny thing in it) and she says “ohhhh so you are a rich woman.” I just have to walk away as she has little memory that I do have income coming in as I care for her.
I don’t want her to be that person where everyone at the bank cringes when she calls or goes there because she doesn’t remember that it take a bit for checks to clear and she just mailed some so her balance is different. How do I not look like a control freak and just want the best for my mom. She can get argumentative (which escalates) when a balance doesn’t match and it was her mistake (mind you on my lifetime she has NEVER been wrong)or circus haven’t cleared. She hides her checkbook now and sometimes can’t find it. I tell the bank only talk about the little checking account so she doesn’t freak out about 98% of her bills have gone on auto pay as she forgets to mail them out. How do I answer when she asks how do I pay them? They are her bills and her requests of things purchased such as fancy face cream for her from Neimans or gifts she wanted to purchase for family member’s birthdays. She runs for the mailbox every morning to catch this massive amount of charities asking for money (she must be flagged as a “willing to buy her way to heaven” list) before I can toss them out.
Anyone else on the slow guilt trip power struggle acceptance ride? Help!
By all means try adding more home care services to Age in Place (her home).
When that no longer works, move to the next plan: Age in Another Place (Memory Care).
Your acceptance of this grim reality will be needed.
Grieve your old Mother. Accept this new one.
Find ways to enjoy your time together.
Your mothers brain is broken. If it weren’t, she would not need you to manage her affairs. You are expecting her to remember things that have left her mind. Even if she had an epiphany today, she would forget it by tomorrow. Learn to agree with her and then redirect and she will be happier with you.
Yes, it is easy for our loved ones to showtime some friends and family. The LO can be very convincing. In time the family will see that she is confused. Dementia marches on. it’s the checkbook today. Tomorrow it will be something else.
Watch some Teepa Snow videos to help guide you on how to communicate with her to keep her calmer. Good luck with finding help.
Do not request any catalogs, buy any magazines or enter any contests. Especially those in the Malls where u can win a vacation or a car. They sell their mailing lists.
My advice-put her in memory care-she will then accuse staff of stealing and your siblings will go after them.
In addition, of what value is it for her to know what stage of dementia she's in? None. It may be important for you to know, but she has no control over the progress of her diagnosis.
If you have only got 1/2 the family on board grudgingly trusting you and mom with paranoia and delusions that you are stealing her money, I would want no part of this.
Your mom doesn't "have her mind". She needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if meds will tamp down the paranoia.
Frankly, I would step away from this mess, but that's because I had a mom who knew that her kids only wanted the best for her.
I would see an eldercare attorney and ask about getting a professional guardian or geriatric care manager to take over.
Go see an elder care attorney if you have any questions about how to make it happen. In fact I have an appointment on Monday with an elder care lawyer for that very reason myself.