How to deal with a manipulative Step Dad?

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I moved here to help take care of my mother. I now live across the street from her and my Step-Dad. My mother is 92 and will be going into assisted living in two weeks because of her health. My step-dad is also 92 and he will remain in my mother's home. My step-dad has never liked me. (I'm an only child) I don't care for him either. My step-dad is very controlling and very manipulative with me. Everything with my step-dad is last minute if you know what I mean. I live across the street from them and it's "take me here, take me there" nonstop, and at the last minute !! He is not my father!!! He has two sons who live nearby and they will do nothing to help their father at all !!!! I'm extremely tired of being manipulated. Here is the latest thing:: The place where my mother is going will need to be furnished by us. Norco will supply the bed and wheelchair, but the room needs to be furnished with other stuff that we need to furnish. I AM A MORNING PERSON. I am up at 5:00am every day. I work best in the mornings. Come afternoon I'm pooped. Mom is to move in on the 25th of this month. The rates at the assisted living place start when the furniture is moved in. I'm the one in charge of taking her clothes, and personal items to the facility and setting up her room. My step-dad and his handyman will be moving the dresser, recliner and other pieces of furniture. I told my step-dad that all I was asking for was to have a full day so I can get everything organized at the facility for my mother so everything looks nice when she gets there. My step-dad tells me "NO." Remember, everything is last minute with him, and I don't work that way. Being rushed and in a hurry to get something done causes a lot of stress for me and when that happens I don't do good work. My step-dad tells me that they will be moving the furniture in the day before, and I was going to need to just deal with it. I told him I wanted him to move the furniture in two days prior so I can have a full day to get organized. I planned on getting there at about 8:00am, get to work and be back home by around 1:00 to do the things I need to do at home. He said they would not deliver the furniture until around noon the day before mom arrives and I would just need to deal with it and work around their schedule. Also, he says to me that there is no way he is paying for two days of the place sitting empty waiting for mom to get there!!! I told him that "he" would not be paying for this, that it would come out of my mother's money. He got mad. I am going to call Norco an tell them to deliver the bed on the 23rd. This will really anger my step-father, as this would mean the rate will start on the 23rd an not the 24th. When he becomes very angry with me I am then going to tell him that I will box up my mother's belongings, and I will take them over to the facility, but I will not set up her room, since he is dead set on not paying for two days. I will tell him that he can then find someone else to set up the room!!! I'm so tired of this......he is so controlling and manipulative. I cannot discuss this with my mother as she is too out of it. What do you think?

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I am OCD so I would want to set Mom up. If its her money, then what does he care.
You say stepdad so I assume he raised you?  Because of problems helping people I have gotten to the point where, unless an emergency or a schedule of a doctor, I do on my time.  I don't like being at the demand of someone else.  My Mom and I picked a day for her to do her shopping.  We shopped and ran all her errands on that day.  Appointments were made around my schedule, if possible. (I worked part-time).  

I realize the man is elderly but you need to set up boundries. Tell him you no longer will be at his beck and call.  Tell him to call his sons.  If you can't do that, then you have to set boundries.  Maybe check with Office of Aging to see if there are buses for the elderly.  If this man's boys don't want anything to do with him then he did something.  He has made his bed.  You need to stand firm on your terms.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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If it doesn’t matter that mom pays an extra day or two then just wait until they get their pieces installed and then go over the next morning and do your part.
Just let him move his part in and then do your part the next morning as you choose. If he’s hanging around he’ll soon see you are not there.

OR Do the part that is most important for your mothers comfort and go back the next day to finish.

If it’s too stressful for you to be around him, hire someone to do it for you or perhaps hire an assistant to help you.

Remember that you are not doing this for him. You are doing it for mom.
You are giving him way too much power over your emotions. Don’t talk about him to the assistant or anyone else except here or to a therapist. When you notice you can do that you will be regaining your control. Go home and beat the heck out of a pillow if you need to.

Focus on your mom and her pleasure.

If mom is too out of it then she won’t mind how long it takes. That’s you that minds.

If it works better for her pack an overnight bag for mom for her first night. Then relax. Pace yourself and go about your business.

Your problem is with him so limit your time with him.
Does he have DPOA of your mom? Do you? Who has his DPOA? Who does the ALF see as the decision maker for mom?
What are his health issues? Is he also 92?

Your trying to reason with him is pointless. He’s not capable of being rationale with you. You have to rise above his pettiness or whatever label is more appropriate. He has to be managed. You can’t do it if you lose your emotional intelligence.

So, let’s see.

Hire help to make it possible for you to complete on your preferred timeline.

OR Move in early.

OR Take your time.

How do you plan to handle visits? Do you anticipate this being an easy transition for mom or will she want to go home? Give some thought to that.
And remember that by June 1 how you handled the move will be in your rear view. Take care of yourself.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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HolidayEnd has a really good point...your stepdad could still try to control you if HE is in control of your mother's money.

DO you have POA for her, guardianship, etc.?
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Reply to CTTN55
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Don’t try to bother your mom about this. Keep petty bickering away from her.

You’ve gotten yourself deeply sunk into the whole mess, innocently, by not carefully considering your ugly stepfather when you moved to your mom to help HER. Know what is next after mom gets settled in AL? You’ll become your stepfather’s maid, chauffeur and chattel. The good part is you can say NO and go to war with him. Just so mom’s happy at the AL.

But as her husband, your stepfather has all say so about your mom and her money unless you have legal status with POA, guardianship etc.

You’re unpaid labor. I’m in the same predicament.
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Reply to HolidayEnd
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Glad to know you inherit and not your stepdad. Now that you will be essentially cutting ties with him, time to start really clipping his manipulating wings, don't you think?

Go to see your mother when you want to -- as you say, maybe 2x/week. Stepdad is on his own (or, if you want to really be nice, take him to see her 1x/week).
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Reply to CTTN55
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Here's a little side note too. My mother has been in a Rehab facility for about a month now. For whatever reason I'm just expected to take my step-dad every night to see my mother. Honestly, I don't think I need to see her every single night. We have NEVER had what would be considered a close relationship. I would like to go see her probably about 2 times a week. But, OH, NO, I have to go pick up my step-dad "WHEN HE WANTS TO BE PICKED UP," and on "his" schedule, not mine. My mother could live another 3 or 4 years ! I can't do this, and I shouldn't be expected to. Heck, I didn't see her every day when she was home !
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Reply to Willienme1950
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My step-dad doesn't inherit anything. The estate all goes to me. So, no, he can't do anything with her money. My mother and my step-dads money are separate.
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Reply to Willienme1950
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Your mother's $ is paying for Assisted Living? Is this her $ separate from your stepdad? I'm just asking, because suppose he doesn't like how much it costs...could he move your mother out of AL at some point to save money (and then expect you to do all of the caregiving?)? Does he inherit from her, or do you?

I would have nothing to do with stepfather once your mother is moved into AL. Do not be his chauffeur and stepandfetchit. After all, he has 2 sons, right?
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Reply to CTTN55
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Snort! Your Stepdad might very well need to get blood taken "right now." What doesn't follow is that it has to be you who takes him. To paraphrase Scrooge: "are there no buses? Are there no cabs?" Has he lost the power of speech - evidently not - or the use of his legs?

Willienme, I think what's obvious to outsiders that you're too close to see is that your stepdad is playing games - and, so, as you just did about the blood test, the only solution is not to play. With the room: who cares? What matters?

Hmmm... thinking which through... have you thought of hiring packers/movers? Most removals companies will do a decent job. I'm assuming you've already had a good look at the new place and have an idea of layout? If not, you can certainly do that ahead of time.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I would totally support you in denying your stepfather his last-minute request to get a blood test. I have a friend with a narcissistic father, so I understand how they couldn't care less about you and your needs and are incredibly demanding. Your concern is your mom and getting her settled in. Once you get that done, which is less than two weeks away, you'll be in a much clearer position to set strong limits with your stepdad about his unreasonable requests. Ignore his personal requests and focus on your mom. Ignore/deny anything else. And do something nice for yourself today. {{{Hugs}}}
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Reply to blannie
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