My widowed MIL, 82, was recently diagnosed with dementia. My husband of 44 years rarely calls her and only visits her about once every 3-6 months. She's a widow and other than him and his sister, there's no other close family nearby. We live in the same city, but his sister lives over an hour away. I feel that we should be more involved with her medical care, visiting her more, and helping her out. But he has zero interest in his mother's well-being and seems to have a lack of empathy for her. When I tell him that he should visit her, he says flat out that he "doesn't want to."
Quite frankly, I think it's cruel as she's all alone. In the past, she has occasionally said mean things to us, especially to me, and she can be controlling, but I don't feel that warrants complete ostracization in her time of need. I feel consumed with guilt that we're not there more for her, and I can't understand his lack of concern.
My mother was awful, very abusive to me, but I was there for her at the end of her life. I don't believe his mother was abusive to him--though his alcoholic father was.
What should I say to him? How do I deal with this?
And stop taking care of people that treat you like dirt. You deserve better.
The question is how do you deal with YOU and your feelings. Why do you feel so beholden to her and expect your husband to feel the same? It's between HIM and HIS mother. You don't really have a say in this.
Stop telling him to visit her. You cannot talk him into it. If his mother let his alcoholic father abuse him, then she was complicit. A parent who does not keep their child safe, even from their father, is not a good parent. He has every right in the world to feel how he does.
Most people who are kind and respect others do not find themselves all alone in their old age. It sounds like she ran off anyone who cared about her. She is reaping what she sowed, unfortunately.
Why did you feel you had to take care of your own awful mother? Did it make you feel like a good daughter or good person? That maybe at the end, your mother would finally love you too? It sounds like you took her abuse because you wanted to be good. You didn't want to upset her. You wanted her to love you. Deep down you were (and maybe still are) the little girl who only wanted her mother's love. You didn't get it and she probably had no love to give. And that is not your fault.
There's four ways that children of abusers react to their parent: Freeze, Flight, Fight, or Fawn. You chose to fawn, to take care of her for one last attempt at love. He has chosen flight. Got away from her and wants nothing to do with her. He was done with her and saved himself. You have to respect his choice.
If you're so worried for her, you probably could go help her. Just don't bring him into it.
much sense in regards to this forum:)
Please take care of yourself. You don't need any of this. Stay calm and go eat some cookies.
Your own mother treated you poorly and so now you are trying to get validation from taking on your mother inlaw at this late stage.
I had a rough childhood as well and was well trained in the good daughter syndrome. It doesn't work. Let the adult ego do your decision making and stop feeding that inner child hurt with more self sacrifice. You can protect your inner child by not taking on anymore abuse.
Question: has ignoring your own needs in order to meet the needs of others been a pattern in your life?
If you think his mother is unsafe at home , call APS , let them handle it . Other than that, this is not your responsibility .
I am a ( still healing ) abused , people pleaser to a narcissist mother my whole life until she died . Listen when I say to put your husband’s needs , his healthy boundaries, and your marriage first .
Stop feeling responsible , obligated or guilty over his mother.
You are married now for 44 years. If YOU don't know what broke in the mother/child relationship here, I doubt anyone does. I can't speak to your communication, but my partner heartily disliked his mother and it was a great relief to him when she died. I made a yearly visit and an every Sunday morning call to her, and arranged for her in home care when she needed it. Other than that he avoided her like a plague and trust me, I knew COMPLETELY why. So your husband has chosen not to share this with you. That is up to him and is his business.
If you wish to be more involved with the MIL I would tell hubby this:
I feel badly for your Mom and I would like to be some support to her; I understand that you don't wish to and you don't wish to discuss WHY with me. I would like to ask if you object to my giving her some supportive care. I promise you I will not speak of it, of her to YOU, and I will not require your participation.
Then the decision, I would say, is his, unless you wish to go along without him, in which case I doubt your marriage will be strengthened by that choice.
To be honest, this simply isn't your business. Unless your husband is overall a "bad guy " (and if so why are you there) then he has his reasons, and apparently his reasons for not sharing. I wish you both--and MIL as well--the best.
Just my humble opinion. You say you stayed to care for your abusive mother; I would not have. We have a right to CHOICES that are our OWN in our lives.
I too have had family estrangements, and I know that pain.
I just think the way he ignores her is cruel and shows a lack of empathy on his part. Though she made petty comments in the past, usually in the form of digs, she was always there for us when we needed help. She was so much more supportive of us than my own mother was and a much better grandmother. I feel we owe her some respect and care in her old age.
The beginning is NEVER the time to over commit yourself, this could go on for a decade or more, he is right not to start creating a heavy dependency now.
If you feel like you should step up, step up. Uber, a taxi, being blind you are automatically eligible for paratransit services, usually free for you and 1 companion. Lots of resources available for you to do what you want.
I would encourage you to not put pressure on him about his mom, that will not end well for you. Speaking of, don't you think he has his hands full having a disabled, dependent wife? I do.
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